Bloke goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up,pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.

"Easy as that", he says. "When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!" Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him. Rather startled and confused, the bloke just looks at the secretary who says...

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2002

Answers

Been busy, mate? Well, nearly :-)

MADRID (Reuters) - An undercover television reporter has won a regional Spanish beauty pageant -- in spite of bribing a contest organiser, being too old to compete, and tottering unsteadily on high heels, a newspaper has said.

Seven years too old to qualify and barely able to walk in her high heels, Gema Garcia, 31, was crowned Miss Alicante in February after paying a beauty pageant organiser 27,000 euros (16,700 pounds), reported the daily El Mundo.

"I know that I've done something that will benefit women," said Garcia, whom El Mundo television filmed paying the organiser minutes before the show began. "They treat them like fairground monkeys."

Winning the Miss Alicante crown put Garcia, 31, in the running for last weekend's Miss Spain contest, but she withdrew ahead of time when organisers discovered she was too old.

Pageant officials were unavailable for comment.

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2002

In the words of Shaggy, 'It wasn't me'

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2002

Bloke rings a chinky takeaway in heaton and says " Duh yuh deliver ?"

Voice at the other end says " Naw, but wuh dee chicken n' wuh dee duck n' wuh dee king prahn"

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2002

Chinky in Heaton? Must the Peking Palace (is that right?) on the end of Rothbury Terrace. Does the owner still wear a suit and tie at the counter?

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2002