What are the classic lines you have heard at SJP from people around you?

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2002

Answers

I heard a pretty good one at the Ipswich game yesterday.

Aaron Hughes was wide right fairly high up the pitch and his cross was low and didn't beat the first man.

Cue the man behind to shout, "Robert man you French tart, that's crap"

Although to be fair to him he did actually celebrate Robert's goal, unlike a man who was only there for the cup game the other week who didn't like the idea of the player he had laid into for the whole match scoring a goal.

The bloke behind really is a proper non-stop whinger. Cries of "just get it up the field, kick it away man" in the second half were followed by "why did you kick it up there, you know Cort is sh*t in the air"

It's a strange feeling of annoyance and feeling like you're about to laugh all in one.

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2002

It's the adult "booers" that really amuse me. There's a big podgy blerk about late 40's or early 50's who sits near me. He has two pre- recorded audio channels: one is "keep it tight" - he clearly hasn't been awake for the last 30 years! The other is "

BOOOOOO

......".

He boos the Ref and near-side linesman at every single game, without exception. He was damned near apoplectic yesterday, and started f-ing and blinding to the extent the Bill were eyeing him frenetically.

He's such a knacker that I was praying he'd get hauled out and banned for life.

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2002

There's a knob-head a few rows in front of me who has a few "pre- recorded" messages too.

"F*ck 'em" whenever the other team has the ball has never been funny.

Calling every player on the pitch a "f*cking spacker c*nt" is certainly not on either.

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2002

The most irritating man ever has just started coming to game behind me. I've got a horrible feeling he's just got a season ticket there!! He isn't nasty or abusive but I think what I have to cope with is worse. He is the oppisite extreme to these abusive fans.

He knows nothing about football. I don't think I'm an expert but this guy knows nothing. He sits there all match going "Oh Bloody hell!" In the most annoying voice you've ever heard. He's got a kind of posh, well spoken accent. But at the same time a bloody wingy voice. Try and picture a wellspoken,wingy, weed going "bloody hell."

Other phrases are "Tackle him, Tackle him!"

And "Ohhhhh Bloody hell pass it!"

Me and my mate fell about laughing when last week he shouts "Ohhhhh Horlicks!" when we gave it away.

Probably doesn't sound so strange to you lot. You have to hear him to appreciate how much of a prick he is.

He looks like a nerd and wears these hand knitted jumpers. Oh and always has binoculars although he's 6 rows from the front!

I know it sounds a bit prejudice to make this asessment but I'd bet my life on the fact that he's never played fotball once. He obviously feels a bit more like a man when he's at a match and feels he needs to shout on like everybody else. Because the stuff he's saying either doesn't make sense or is plainly obvious.

I know that all sounds harsh. I've got nothing against people who use binoculars, have hand knitted jumpers, look like nerds, use the prase horlicks or anything else but believe me this guy is irritating.

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2002

I'm covered in bruises after every game from the lass who sits next to me ....

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Early 1990's, an away match at Grimsby. Every single throw-in or corner we won was greeted by a guy at the back of the stand with a megaphone-like voice shouting "Whose baall?" to which we ALL answered in unison "Wor Baall". It was brilliant. I'm sure the good people of Grimsby hadn't a clue what was going on!

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I remember standing in the Gallowgate end in the 1960's: there was an old guy used to stand near our spot. He had a cigarette gripped very tightly in the right hand corner of his mouth. Now this was none of your namby-pamby cool-as-a-mountain-stream, pooftah filter cigarettes - this was a full-on, high tar, nicotine-enriched Capstan Full Strength job, and it was always down to the very last millimetre of it's length. How it wasn't singeing the guy's top lip was beyond me. (I can recall these details because I used to stare in wonderment waiting for his face to catch fire!)

Anyway, the guy used this cigarette in place of the iron lung he obviously needed, breathing in deeply through this millimetre of cigarette and inhaling the life-giving smoke into the charred remains of what used to be his lungs. To complete this simulation of "breathing" he would then expel a miasma of poison gas, smoke and bits of tumour out of the left hand corner of his mouth. His sole utterance during the entire match would be "Tackle 'im" repeated ad infinitum as long as the ball was in our half. This utterance was a herculean effort for the poor guy. He would draw tightly on the cigarette, for the brief second it took to fill his remaining fragments of lung, and then wheeze out a hoarse "Tackle 'im" out of the left side of his mouth. If we were forced to defend for any length of time this tirade would finally break down in an horrendous coughing fit. It must have been quite a disgusting spectacle thinking back, but me and my mate were fascinated and would do impersonations of him when we got home. :-)

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I've told this story before (Like most of them Jonno-Ed) but I retell it here for the benefit (benefit???-ed) of newcomers. The game was against Blackburn, 9th April, 1966. Toon were involved in a desparate struggle for survival at the wrong end of Division 1. The visitors were even lower than us in the table and this vital "4-pointer" would almost certainly consign one or other club to the drop. We were stood in the Popular Side for some reason. The weather was that very fine rain such that you hardly think it's raining at all but after 15 minutes you find you're thoroughly p*ssed through. It was a grey overcast day and we watched an abysmal game of football between 2 bad teams. The Toon struggled through to win 2-1 and went on to escape the drop.

As we trudged out of the Popular into Strawberry Lane, soaked to the skin, cold, bedraggled and having watched a miserable spectacle masquerading as a football match, nobody was too excited about the result. One lad was having a slash up against the wall as we passed and a disgruntled punter next to me said "Bye - that's the best piece of dribblin' aa've seen aa'll day". (I laughed so much, stuff came up my nose).

The Sunday Appeal.
(You can prevent the continual regurgitation of these stories by sending a large donation To Jonno's Home for Retired and Gaga Toon Fans. Please give generously otherwise he'll keep repeating them every 3 months - Ed)

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2002

"...people who use binoculars, have hand knitted jumpers, look like nerds, use the phrase horlicks or...".

I thought Derek was back in Hong Kong! ;-)

Whoops, sorry mate!

;7)

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2002

the guy next to me complained bitterly the league match after we Barca 3-2 that the pints in the ground were 10p more than what he had to pay in his club, and that that bastard Hall was just in it for the money

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2002

Ohhhhh Horlicks!

Can't stop laughing at that one, I'm sorry, but if the match is crap at least you can have a good laugh.

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2002

The lass I used to sit next to (and who was featured on MotD when she wore her wedding dress to the match) was great value. She never swore but always used to make an impassioned plea of, "Oh referee! Why don't you just put a [insert colour of opposition's strip here] shirt on and have done with it!?" It was always said with such feeling that folk were lifted after the most heinous refereeing decisions.

The fella who used to bellow , "How man Bobby Lee you're not at Brough Park now!" whenever Lee used to run round in tiny circles to give the opposition ample time to get back behind the ball [Brough Park is our speedway circuit for those currently scratching their heads].

The big fat lad who occasionally sits in level 7 of the Leazes and has his personal chant of "Come on, the TOOOOOONNNNN!" He's always trying and failing to get this one started but recently began a campaign of "One of us singing, there's only one of us singing!" which people join in with as far as "8 of us singing etc" I normally come in on 3.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

We were in the Broon Ale Stand for the Arsenal cup match and although the level of xenophobia mixed with non-imaginative cussing (how quaint - Ed) was much greater than at our normal position, I preferred it. Noise level and enthusiasm count for a lot.

In the NW Corner we have a few reasonable fans near us who will applaud opposition efforts and say "yes Bellamy was offside" or "Shearer pushed his man". They should be banned or re-educated.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

Okay now your'e asking for it.

Ive got this woman in her late sixties behind me along with her mates. I'm talking half time flask of tea (they all bring their own cups) along with cheese and crackers or sarnies (possible prawn!) and in the winter it was the tartan blanket over the knees. I have to drink before the match or I'd crack under the Harpie like screech of 'EEEEEHHH what ya doin, EEEEEHHH don't give it to him or EEEEEEEHHHHH I can't look'. These are the regular comments. Now for the one liners.

Ipswich game - Doesn't his head remind you of a hot dog, like it's got mustard on it. (I'm sure Cort's delighted at the aprreciation his new haircut is getting).

Bolton - Dont their shirts stand out well against ours. and 2-1 up Bolton putting real pressure on our goal my favourite 'EEEEEEHH did you see peak practice last night she fell off a cliff.

Arsenal (cup game) Don't give it to him he always loses it (as Robert unleashes a right footed shot).

There are more that I cannot remember but will certainly let you know of any future developments.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

There's a feller who sits in front of my dad, who regularly says "Howay Newcastle, let's have another one". The thing is, he doesn't say it after goals, just at seemingly random times during the match.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

I reckon you all sit in front of my brother ;-)

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

Jack, behind me always had a biscuit for half time. Interestingly the men behind me used to have the most twisted, idiotic comments of all - it was the press box(before they moved last season) my favourite was when he, Alan Green said (there was a crowd lull) and it was raining hard "I could have been at Stamford Bridge, not dreary Newcastle" (it was the Dalglish era) and my ex (not one known for not holding back her feelings) turned around and in her best Consett accent said "how man, f%%k off there then and do us all a favour" a lot of laughing from the guys in our row followed. Afterwards Green shot her a stare that would have froze a Polar Bear. Franky Worthington always gave me a handshake - he was a gent.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

Kats, very strange. I don't remember it being your brother who shouted to Bellamy to keep his mouth shut during the Leicester match. I'm sure I heard it on MOTD that night. `8¬)

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

Homer

I did indeed tell Bellamy to keep his mouth shut....I won't be the first or the last! The problem was everyone had gone silent and heard it ! It was when someone else shouted " you tell him pet " that I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

At least I didn't miss any goals that match though ;-)

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

There's a man who sits a few rows back comes out with some funny, if a little obscure remarks. I cannot remember the game but an opposing player was "injured" a yard from the side line, the ref was bent (ooh err) standing over him for what seemed like a couple of minutes and our man shouts "either get him off the pitch or marry him".

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

On Saturday we were giving Chris Makin the usual grief when a lad shouts out "how's Mrs Phillips?" Makin burst out laughing.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

Softie that Come on the TOOOOOOOON bloke sits a few rows back from us, but he's rarely there to be honest.

My brother and a few other people can copy it to perfection, it always brings out a few laughs.

Some bloke did it at the end of the Arsenal league match just to life everyone's spirits.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

"Bolton - Dont their shirts stand out well against ours. and 2-1 up Bolton putting real pressure on our goal my favourite 'EEEEEEHH did you see peak practice last night she fell off a cliff. "

Andy that is a classic. Some stupid bint denying a kid a season ticket just so she can discuss the previous night's telly in the open air.

The bloke in front of me with his mate come out with some great lines. He called Dennis Bergkamp 'Orville' for all the time he was on the pitch for the two recent games. Singing, "I wish I could fly, but I can't"

Last week he was shouting Mavis at Mike Riley, must be a one for the older generation as I didn't get it (?)

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

"On Saturday we were giving Chris Makin the usual grief when a lad shouts out "how's Mrs Phillips?" Makin burst out laughing"

Does that count as evidence?

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

In the mid 1980s there used to be a bloke in the standing paddocks in front of what's now the Milburn Stand who would spend the entire game berating Stan Seymour about his custard consumption. "More custard for Fat Stan please". "Aye, canny goal like, but where's Stan's custard?".

Also, does anyone remember the fat lad with the strange haircut who used to lead some of the singing in the corner circa 1988-90 before, rumour had it, being barred? His favourites being "if you're proud to be a Geordie be a teapot/tree/Mackem" with accompanying actions. He also had one that just him and a couple of his mates used to sing about being from Carlisle and being able to drive a tractor.

Actually now that I come to write all this down it all seems a bit surreal and I'm not entirely convinced I didn't imagine my formative years on the terraces......

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2002

funny one a few years back. venison had just kicked wise to the ground, and as he was lying there a guy stood up and shouted "kick him again barry" both players to their credit laughed.

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2002

Your memory isn't playing tricks ADK, I remember fat bastard (as he was affectionately known) well. The mad lads that stood on the crash barriers whipping up the crowd before kickoff were my heroes. Fatty's best was "if you're proud to be a Geordie, have a disco" accompanied by the whole end doing Saturday Night Fever impersonations. There was also a lad with long hair known as hippy who would stand on the barrier and headbang to all the chants. He still sits in the Gallowgate corner and occaisionally shouts out something nuts like, "Gouge their eyes oot Newcastle!".

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2002

Cheers Dread - was beginning to think it was all a horrible dream.....

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2002

Ive got a few , some at the match , some not . I think me all time fave was after the cup game at Reading circa 92 ? Gallacehr had gifted them a replay when dropping a backpass short . Anyway after the match ive ended up in a chip shop and there's a few lads behind us in the cue , ive just ordered a pie and the lass serving asks this Micky Quinn (with a lisp) lookylikey what he fancied. Pointing through the glass at a piece of chicken says to the lass ... ' Hinny i'll hev the sparra and chips please ' .. the look on her face will stay with me forevermore ...... And onto Highbury a few years back , we got beat 3/4-1 ... about 2 minutes before Bartinho had scored wor consolation I decided to leave the ground early for the first time in my history . I wasnt to be disappointed with the experience. The gates hadnt been opened , and a couple of lads with the same idea had asked a steward to 'lerrus out wuv hed enuff' . The attendant opened a gate and led us down some steps , then went to a gate that looked like it led back into the away end .. one of the two lads has looked at him and said ' how man fu(k that im not gannin' back in there i'd rather top mesel' ....... and finally at Highbury in the bogs ( same game i think , so i cant have been too ,p1ssed to remember all this ) ... half time bogs , all the urinals are full up , silence falls and someone pipes up ' how , George Michael's not in here is he like ? ' . Got many many more ! By the way does anyone remeber the lad who used to sit in the new stand near the gallowgate east corner in the 80's who did the red indian call just before kick off ... nee one ( and there were a few who tried mind ) could do it as loud as this bugger . What was his name ?

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2002

Sitting bull

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2002

I thought it was Sioux...

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2002

The lads name was David Twee or twee to those in the know. Got part of his biten off in a fight doon the haymarket one satda neet. Said lad got caught and sent down, twee, being the patient lad he was waited till this lad got out. Jumped him one night and bit the end of this lads nose off. Apart from that nice lad.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2002

That should be part of his ear biten off.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2002

.....thank the sweet lord for that clarification, syme!! ;o{)

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2002

stopped the other lad from smelling a much

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2002

>>I was beginning to think it was all a horrible dream

Well it probably was ADK - seeing as you insisted on loitering in the Gallowgate Corner with all them other spotty youths, instead of under the scoreboard where all us good lookin hard lads were !!

:O))

"Corner corner give us a song give us a song ... Shhhhhhhhh ...."

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2002

When Bernard flicked that ball across the penalty area in the last minutes yesterday and Lua Lua kept it in play and started weaving towards the goal, the guy behind me suddenly shouted, "They think it's all over!"

If we'd scored we'd have missed it because everyone was helpless with laughter. He can dine out on that one :-)

-- Anonymous, March 30, 2002