New Maths Papers

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name _____________________________

Nickname _____________________________

Gang Name _____________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is 40 quid a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damo's 500 quid a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 quid for the hit. If his common law wife spends 33,100 quid per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the average letter is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's gun. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have traveled when he gets whacked?

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MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name_____________________________________________ _________________________

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__________________________________________________ ________________________

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(If longer, please continue on separate sheet)

School ___________________________________

Daddy's Company __________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing X amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local CC to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of Y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2002

Answers

Altrnative pedagogies

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2002

Didn't realise they used American spelling at our comprehensives, Nick (e.g. meter for metre, traveled for travelled)!

Good one nevertheless! ;7)

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2002

I've had a question like one of those for Physics, my teacher made it up on the spot.

Something like this:

"A boy drops a 5kg brick off a 15m high motorway bridge onto a car. Assuming the car is 1.2m high and the brick is treated as a particle, calculate the velocity of the brick as it collides with the car."

Absoulte madness, he also did a few about a car being driven off a cliff into the sea and you had to calculate the trajectory. We had a good laugh though :)

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2002