While not able to reveal my sources, I am able today to disclose a massive scam that has been perpetrated by NUFC.

The background to this were the serious concerns of Toon management that the much sought after qualification for the CL could result in horrible humiliation on the playing field’s of Europe. This in turn could result in a crisis of confidence in the City that could see further damaging erosion in the Club’s already anaemic share price.

Indeed, there were concerns over the possibility that the share price could actually drift negative, taking NUFC to ply their trade in a parallel universe – where they would renew acquaintance with their near neighbours and long time rivals, SAFC, who had slipped relatively unnoticed into the same parallel universe during the previous close season.

The stunning plan that was devised by the Toon hierarchy was to slow down the almost frightening accumulation of PL points by insisting on a period of inactivity by their star player, Kieron Dyer. Despite there being no plausible reason for Dyer’s absence from the high-flying Magpie team, a mystery foot injury was concocted, with a Sven-Goren Eriksen imposed England fitness-test being initially blamed for the injury to create a convenient, if highly implausible, media diversion.

Despite the care with which this scam was planned, it all went horribly wrong for the Toon. Even without Dyer, they went through February without a single defeat and consolidated their position near the top of the PL, as extra commitment from the Club’s senior players made light of Dyer's enforced absence.

The failure of the Club’s scam created sheer panic within the hallowed halls of SJP, as the search for yet another plan gained momentum.

Two main possibilities emerged. Initially, it was believed that “a new injury” to Alan Shearer offered the best chance of ‘success’. Shearer’s previous serious injury record offered a potentially secure smokescreen. However, as the implementation details were being planned, it was precipitously dropped as concerns grew that Shearer himself might not “play ball”. Indeed, there was serious concern that he might seek to take advantage of the situation by appointing himself Chairman, Chief Executive, Team Manager, First Team Coach, Academy Director and Catering Manager - without possessing the necessary experience for any of these senior positions. Shearer’s megalomaniacal ambitions had long been a cause of deep concern inside SJP, and it was concluded that this approach was simply too risky.

So, the alternative plan to have Craig Bellamy, the club’s best player in the current season, sit out a number of games was adopted with some reluctance. Again, the player had finished his previous game with no sign of an injury, and because of this the fan’s scepticism placed the entire scam in some jeopardy.

A further problem was the uncertainly regarding the number of games Bellamy would be required to miss. With this in mind, the Club decided not to announce they were sending the player to the top knee specialist, Dr Richard Steadman in Colorado, because of the undesirable degree of certainty this would have introduced into Bellamy’s ‘rehabilitiation’. Instead, it was decided to announce that he would be cared for by Roger Dobbin, the eminent pit-pony veterinary surgeon and occasional taxidermist, at his clinic in Oil Drum Lane, Barnsley.

Bellamy’s absence had the expected effect on the team, and two critical games against their main rivals at the top of the PL had soon been successfully sacrificed, followed soon thereafter by their FA Cup Quarter Final - to ensure that UEFA Cup qualification didn’t raise it’s ugly head as yet another potential problem.

Following the amazingly successful sacrificing of these three critical games, Dyer and Bellamy were free to effect miraculous recoveries and play their full part in ensuring the Club’s real target was ultimately achieved - much to the relief of the Club’s genial planners.

And so it was that NUFC were able to achieve their ultimate dream of a second successive entry into the InterToto Cup!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

Answers

A perfect plan.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

That would explain Robert never running with the ball! He's been told not to! And it would explain Robson constantly saying that we can't win it! It would also explain BR constantly saying that we'd rather win the FA CUP than the league!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

Nice one Clarky - "Oil Drum Lane, Barnsley" conjures up a delightful image.

BTW - you are joking aren't you? :-)

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

I was wondering the same thing at first but he has to be joking Jonno. There could be no bad affect on the club getting into the Champs league that isn't positive. The board would love us to get there.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

"The board would love us to get there"

Not as much as me Jim (or the Bank Managers)

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

Love the bit about Shearer's megalomaniacal tendencies! :-)

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

Jonno/Jim,

The only factual part is the bit about SAFC playing in a league in a parallel universe!

;o{))

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

lol :-/

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002