My mother used to abuse me physically and verbally until I was 19 years old. When things started getting very bad, I was already 18. I am in counseling and it has really helped me a lot, but I would like to talk to other women who understand my situation. I feel very frustrated. Although people have become more aware of domestic violence, the fact that women are capable of abusing other women seems to be a foreign idea to support group and even those who want to stop domestic violence. I don't think that feminism or prochoice movements or anything like that should automatically be hand in hand with domestic violence, but I hear it every time I just want to find someone who understands me. "Men are bad" "Vote for women's right to choose" "Blah, blah, blah". I don't want other people's agenda's shoved down my throat! I think that men are just fine and I'm pro-life! Yet, I feel like I have been somewhat comprimising my beliefs just to find women who understand me (obviously, though it's been unsuccessful). I guess being beat up by a woman doesn't go along well with feminist theory. Anyways, I'm on the East Coast (I wish I wasn't because SAFE sounds wonderful) and I wanted to know if you might have knowledge of any national or East Coast groups that help women who were beat up by other women or daughters who were abused by their mothers. Is your group expanding? Anything would be very helpful thanks!

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2002

Answers

I was verbally abused and worse by my mother. Also physically and emotionally abused by my brother. Now I live with a 92 year old lady who is emotinally abusive. She feels powerless b/c she's in a wheelchair and so she lashes out continuously. I don't know if its worth it to live there or not b/c its free. I constantly get triggered by my earlier abuse. Yes, women abuse in all ways that men do. Its often very intimidating, threatening and controlling.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2002

I am looking for resources myself but I just wanted to write and let you know you are not alone.I was abused by my mother for many years both verbally and physically.I now find myself in an abusive relationship with a woman who is my partner.It is a problem much more common I think than people are aware of especially since most of us were raised by our mothers as the primary caregiver.I wish you luck in finding help and know that you are not alone.I am a social work/psych major and when I have my degrees in a year plan on starting up if nothing else an online support group for women abused by women.Whether its mothers, sisters or partners that have abused them.WE need the help.Good luck and a big hug to you.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Katie, no it's not worth it. Leave immediately and don't go back. Yes, it's that simple. Life doesn't need to be so hard. Stop making it harder than it has to be.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2002

Dear Rachel:

I don't know of any places in the east coast, but what I've done is found a support community in Toronto called the Gatehouse, which deals with ALL aspects of abuse. It is pro-child and pro-survivor. It doesn't run any old school feminist theories. You may be able to find such a group on the east coast.

I too went through the same astigmatism growing up with a severely abusive mother. No one would believe that my mother was abusive (she used to encourage my brother to hit me, and then blame him for being a violent man.) Abusive women can be very manipulative. My mother used to act as if nothing was her fault and the fact that my brother is abusive has nothing to do with her.

One night my brother pointed a gun at my head to scare me (loaded). My mother found the gun and instead of reporting it to the police, she tossed it in a bush in a neighbour's yard. Why do you think she did it? Didn't want to be responsible for my brothers behavior? I always thought she threw it in the bush because she felt responsible for his violence. It also makes me angry that she wouldn't think of any children in the neighborhood who might find the gun and accidently shoot themselves.

My mother still thinks we can have a relationship irregardless of what I think. I can't say I'm afraid of her anymore but I am afraid of what my brother may be capable of doing. These are things I am trying to work on. I've never had much support from the police growing up so it's a slightly scary process. They always thought my mother was right even when it was obvious I was being abused. I am trying to find a group in Toronto that supports women abused by their mothers. Best of luck to you Rachel, there are more of us then you think.

Lee

-- Anonymous, December 02, 2002

Iam a54 year old female who even today gets verbally abused by her Mom .When I was growing up she hit me with any thing she could find to do so with.I have known in my heart for a long time she never loved me and still today it bothers me aren't Mothers suppose to love their children? I almost made the same mistake with my oldest Daughter but Thank God I just left I walked out and left her with her Dad and have missed the times I could have had with her but was afraid of my own bodie.If you ever find help please let me know

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2003

I am seeking a dialogue with other women whose mothers were emotionally abusive and manipulative. My mother ignored and severely neglected my needs when I was a child. She undermined any efforts that I made to have friends or to succeed. I have moved out of the state to get away from her abuse. She has lied about me to others to damage my reputation and has sabotaged my personal and business relationships. I am worried that she will have an effect on my daughter who is turning two this year. I also need some help with handling the emotional toll that she takes with her mean spirited actions and dialogue. The most frustrating thing is that she is so good a hiding her "dark" side from almost everyone else. I, myself, did not see it until the age of 30 when her actions became clear to me in a lightbulb moment, if you will. Manipulation is, I have come to believe, one of the most abusive and least know tactics of the abuser. I just want to be free of her impact on my life.

Michele

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2003

I to have been abused by my mother. At the age of 6 she beat me so badly I ended up in hospital. She had three children from another man while married to my father. She had me arrested at the age of 15, had my baby taken away, planted pornographic footage in my flat, sworn me, degraded me, lied about me. If I wrote a book, people would not believe me. At the age of 40 she still harasses me, makes up stories, runs my family down etc. I know "ignore her". I have tried but that just gets her more worked up. I am from South Africa and am desperately seeking help to end this. I have tried attorneys but unlike my mother do not have the money to continously fight her. All I want is to be left alone. I agree woman abused by other woman is not as widely published as it should be. It is embarrasing telling others that your own mother does these kind of things but we need to talk to someone. Many a night I lay awake and think of ways to sort this out. I do not have the energy to fight this anymore.

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2003

My mother verbally and severly emotionally abused me. She was able to convince my schools I was a terrible child and that she was cursed with me. I am fourth of five kids. I am the second daughter she had. Believe me, I am the only one she tortured this way. I am still struggling to form female relationships. I remember the last time I saw her, she screamed at me that I will not be allowed to be in a room with air conditioning. The comfort was for her children, not a slut like me.

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2003

I am still in the process of trying to extricate my mother's poisonous influence from my life.My youngest brother has always been my mother's favorite,but the abuse got much worse after my parents seperated when I was twelve.She would tell me all the time I was just like my father and would never amount to anything.She has beaten me and given me third degree burns she choked me with a broom handle once when I left my eye glasses on my bed instead of in their case and my brother broke them jumping on my bed.She sent me to a detention home once at which I begged the people there to let me stay! She has went out of her way to embarrass and degrade me in front of friends and family.She has never nurtured me or taken an intrest in anything that was important to me.She is very manipulating and as someone else mentioned about their mother,she succeeds in hiding this dark side,I grew up bringing home friends who were having family problems or issues only to watch my mother treat them better than she did me!!I would look at mother's and daughters who had healthy realtionships and wonder why my mother disliked me so much.I had to grow up fast because my mother kicked me out so much off and on from the age of fourteen,I had a baby at seventeen because I wanted something to love me unconditionally,the father left me and married someone else and I was at the mercy of my mother's abuse until age 23 because she'd torn down my self esteem to the point that I felt I could do or have nothing on my own,I became accustomed to self deprivation because I wanted to believe my mother had my best intrests at heart.I finally saw the writing on the wall.I moved out in february of 2003,but my mom refuses to relinquish control of my life .I feel like she got evicted from her apt on purpose because she knew I wouldn't turn her and my little brother out on the street.She and my brother who she has raised to have no respect for anyone are making me and husband miserable she is constantly meddling in our marriage and I don't even feel like I have the realtionship I want with my children because she is repeating negative patterns with them that she did with me and my brother.I let her move in because I thought that I had moved pass this trauma and forgiven her but I have not,I am currently seeking counseling because I am deathly afraid of repeating this harmful behavior with my own children,I already find myself doing things to my daughter whom I feel I wasn't able to properly bond with because of my mother's manipulation and iron clad control of my life that I vowed I would never do.I remember there used to be a commercial for child abuse that said "words can hurt more than a fist" that's certainly true and they also leave wounds that sometimes never heal.........

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2003

Even though I am only seventeen years old, I too know the pain of verbal abuse from a loved one. My mother is the only parental support I have becuase of the death of my father only two years ago. He sort of balanced her out, and when he died she only worsened. I love her, but can't wait to go to college. I have a thirteen year old brother who I can't bare to leave, but I have to. I don't really know what to do about her abusiveness! She takes away my car, my cell phone, my privelages and even takes my own money I earn from having three jobs. It's hard to know what to do!

-- Anonymous, June 25, 2003

I was the oldest of five. We lived in Pleasant Hill California. I was the oldest girl, my sister the baby. She had Cystic Fibrosis. Due to mal practice she died when I was 12, turning 13. My mother had been the child of two alcoholics ( her father she never knew) She had many issues of fear, abandonment, rejection and such. She married to get away from HER mother ( an abused Child and an abuser). When my sister died...my mother died too. Instead of pulling my brothers and I closer...she turned nastier to me. Finding ways to send me away for vacations or holidays. Always the excuse....that I "fought" with my three brothers.....who like to pick on me. She favored one in peticular. He was very spoiled. Could do no wrong. If my room was a mess..or I got an occassional C or D on a report card...that "justified" keeping me home. Isolated from ALL social contact. Other then church, which she would not attend...just use neighbors like a babysitting service...free hours away from my three brothers and I.... I never was allowed to have friends over. I NEVER was allowed to Date or go to ANY school Funcions..ALL FOUR YEARS. One date the senior Prom, I was allowed .....was a nightmare. Her excuse? I may have a boyfriend..or have sex and Sattle her with A BABY...like other girls... I stayed a virgin until 19, BY MY CHOICE! Others LOST it AT SCHOOL!

SHe had much to be ashamed of people knowing....She was vain and her abuse of me was distorted by her professions of love...but the actions and LACK of actions showed otherwise.

This way, people would not know about the family disfunction. Her drug addictions to presciption meds...her emotional abuse of me. The mental abuse, Name calling, Comparing me with a man she hated and a son she adored. Her pain over the loss of my sister...was only HERS by rights to own. We were never allowed to the funeral ( to protect her?) or to really grieve as individuals or a family. Closure not permitted.

To speak out against her unfairness, or authority or abuse was unforgivable...and considered a "Betrayal" and Dishonorable...even today. I am almost 48. She turned 68. She divorced our second father after 22 years of marriage...and married her 21 year old college student when she was about 56 years old. HE is also a violent and verbally abusive man. They adopted three children under the age of 5.

ONE of the things I learned, is the Abuser TRIES to keep the family ugly secrets....just that. ISOLATION of the children from the outside world AS MUCH As possible..is one way to reduce the chance of "being found out" that You a parent is less then perfect or that you are physically, emotionally and mentally abusive or neglectful....

To this day, they try to interfer with my ex and our legal affairs...and pull others into their mission to discredit me, defame me and try to disrupt my life. She still labels me..and if I am outspoken in phone conversations or by email...( listing the abuses) then somehow I am the "crazy" one. She was physically assulting me even at age 30, in front of my young children. I refuse to stay silent. I can not get her to go for help. I can only help myself, and this is one way. YOU ARE ALL NOT ALONE......GOD BLESS!

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2003

while reading these posts i got very angry. it reminded me of how abusive my mother was and how to get away from home i had to get married. my mother is crazy, psychotic, she would hit from a very young age till i was 16. she only stopped then b/c she thought i would hit her back. she was so good at hiding her dark side too and people always thought me and my sister were the crazy ones. my dad was very abusive also between age of 7-10 he would hit me till i blacked out and took complete control of my life forcing me to study 4 hours everyday after school. i suppressed for so long but reading self help things triggered the mrmory and i was very very angry. i confronted my mother both parents. my dad was abusive he had a step mom who tried to poison him i never quite blamed him as much my mom on the other hand is a narcisistic psychopath and i have now cut her completely out of my life. we caught on about what a liar and manipulative witch she was and how she discredits us. she goes to church but she wil lie and steal if she thinks nobody is watching. i feel like i want to kill her and if i ever saw her homeless on the street i would spit on her and never have anything more to do. cutting lose or unplugging is the only way to deal w/ this type of person who is constantly sabotaging and persecuting you. i considered suicide and maybe just getting hit by a car because i felt so powerless. but at some point my faith helped me gave me support in realizing that she was the crazy one. i cant even keep in touch w/ extended family bc she is hiding their address and wont give it to us. she told my dad i was a whore. i am still angry but being on my own now i have never been better. i developed post tramatic stress and manic depressive b/c of my experiences w/ her.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2003

Dear ABBY,

I read your post after mine was written. YUP! It is sad what we have gone through, and should never have happened, but a comfort in knowing there are other "sisters" out there who have been there. Suicide is NOT the answer. It hurts those you left behind that DON'T DESERVE to hurt....and is a sin besides...... Something real neat happened to me. I found some copies of letters my mother gave me LOOONG time ago. A letter that was loving she wrote to her mother. A HORRIBLE nasty one that Grandmother Wrote back to her. Letters my mother wrote to her Grandmother and Uncle in response. It is so obvious that my mother HAS BECOME her own mother......and all the things SHE was hurt over...... It is our responsibility to NOT repeat the Multi Generational Craziness with our own children or Grandchildren. We do NOT need to have them inherit this side of our families! A lot of work, But WE can DO IT ABBY!...I believe in you!

Donice

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2003

Sometimes the need to be a victim will make someone be dishonest with themselves and others. Most are truthful, but be watchful. It's also possible for someone to make "generational" connections only to rationalize their own inappropriate behavior. A posting is not enough to know the truth although it demonstrates the need for good counseling.

-- Anonymous, July 30, 2003