Excuse me, what century is this?

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In brief, one of the older girls dated a boy for about three months. His constant psychological problems, complaints about her friends, ill-treatment of his mother, temper tantrums out of the blue, and in-your-face demands for her attention were too much. She broke up with him.

He wouldn't leave her alone. Called incessantly. We call blocked. Came to our house when we said not to, and we had to insist repeatedly that he could not go inside. Went to her job, where he was repeatedly escorted off the premises over a period of several weeks. Abused her verbally in school. Accused her of all kinds of sexual impropriety to everyone, including me.

We told him to leave her alone and to stay away from her. School officials told him to leave her alone and to stay away from her. Her employer(s) were willing to do something if necessary to keep him away from her job. That pretty much covers everyone with a responsibility for keeping her safe.

So we went to court and got an emergency restraining order.

He violated the emergency restraining order the day before we went back to court for a permanent restraining order. He went into her classroom after class had started, on the pretext of talking to someone else, and he didn't leave until the teacher called security. He isn't, BTW, a student there.

So we went to court to get the permanent order.

The judge said "She's a pretty girl. Of course he doesn't want to break up with her."

The judge said "He doesn't look violent."

The judge said "This is not a matter for the court."

The boy said he had a right to his behavior because our girl had told him she was pregnant with his child. The judge didn't bother to ask our girl if this is true, and she feels that she was wrong to stay silent, but we had told her to stand quietly no matter what this boy said. She isn't, BTW, pregnant with his child or with the child of any of the many other boys he says she slept with.

We told her that we hope she doesn't sleep with the football team, but if she does, this boy still doesn't have the right to abuse her.

The boy said he had permission to be in that classroom when he was violating the emergency restraining order. Then the school principal, who had encourage us to get the order, spoke up and said that wasn't true. The boy did not have permission, and the principal didn't even know the boy had gone there.

I thought lying to a judge is illegal. I thought stalking and verbal sexual abuse are against the law.

So the judge said he wasn't granting a permanent restraining order.

I maybe skirted contempt charges when I looked him right in the eye and told him he was wrong. Her dad did too.

The judge finally said he would only extend the emergency order to the end of the school year, and that, he said, was only because the boy had shown "poor judgement" when he had violated the restraining order the day before in front of about twenty witnesses (three of whom are adults).

And I thought violating a restraining order in any manner was considered illegal. It says so right on the order itself.

So we have an emergency order extension to the end of the school year. The boy will likely start up again shortly after that order is rendered null and void.

The reason I told you that was to ask you this: Just how does one go about making a judge legally accountable for stupidity when his judgement gets your kid killed?

Forgive me for ranting on, but in summary I present to you what I have learned about our local court system:

1. It's ok to abuse a girl if she's pretty.

2. It's ok to abuse a girl if the abuser doesn't look like an abuser..

3. It's ok to violate a court order as long as the abuser is just using "poor judgement", instead of actually violating the court order because it pleases the abuser to do so.

4. It's ok to barge into the lives of a girl, her family, her friends, and her employers as long as the abuser feels the need is great enough.

5. It's ok for an abuser to lie to a judge while under oath about why the abuser feels the need to abuse is great enough.

Comments will be gratefully appreciated.

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2002

Answers

"And I thought violating a restraining order in any manner was considered illegal. It says so right on the order itself."

Helen, I sure don't know how to answer your questions, because I have had very much the same sort of situation involving the judge who presided over my divorce.

My X had a restraining order against him contacting me or coming within a certain distance of our former residence, and was expressly forbidden to enter it and remove anything.

He was illegally in contact with me, many times. He had previously physically assaulted me, and had made very credible threats to my personal safety. I had/have every reason to believe he'd make good on them.

He entered the house several times, and removed many items, some of which were family heirlooms.

He admitted to doing all of this under oath when questioned about this in court. He glibly admitted he had "indeed" entered the home several times! He did not show one bit of hesitation in answering, and even went so far as to provide far more information about when he did, who was with him, and what he took!

The judge did nothing. That's right...nothing. He did not punish him for violating his own restraining order (making the judge himself look like the total ASS that he was!), nor did he make him return what he'd taken, nor order him to pay me restitution.

The "X" had vandalized the interior of the house, requiring costly repairs to a home that had already way decreased in the loan pay-off value. He didn't even get a slap on the wrist.

Helen, I don't know what to tell you. Not just because of your experience and mine, but with others I've become familiar with recently, I have a very, very dim view of our "judicial" system these days.

I hope some of the others here can be of more assistance than I have. I have only first hand understanding of how outrageous the courts have become to offer, but will join you in your outrage and frustration.

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2002


Montgomery Burns to Smithers:

"This band of Troglodytes (the Simpsons) has cost me the election! And yet if I were to have them killed, I would have to go to jail!"

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2002


Don't wait for the end of the emergency restraining order. Have her take the handgun course and apply for a concealed carry permit. You too. If the need arises, you will have the means to send him on to his (ahem) reward. Do not depend on the "justice" system to protect you from anything!

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2002

I agree with Frank, Helen.

I've had experience with men like this: they don't get the message until they're either physically beaten up or killed. In the olden days, this was the elder brother's job.

As for the judge, you can report him to the state bar, but it won't do you a lot of good since all those guys are drinking buddies, but at least the complaint will be on record.

Wish I could be more helpful, but stalkers still have more rights than the victims. This is worse when the victim is male, but I'll spare you the horror stories tonight.

Good luck!

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2002


Contact your local battered women's program, which is usually administered by the YWCA. Your daughter's experience falls within the parameters of their mission. They also may be involved in the program to provide free cell phones to victims at risk--such phones are donated and programmed to call 911 only. Also talk to a supervisor at your local 911 center (after you've contacted BWP) and ask for a "flag" to be put on your file. Make sure that when you dial 911, your correct home info pops onto their screen.

Next time you're in court, hire a court reporter or see if an advocate can go with you. That way you have a witness or two to make a complaint to whatever body oversees a judge's behavior. The BWP should know--they usually have a great grasp of the applicable law.

Yes, Frank is right--gun course, concealed carry permit.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2002



The battered women's advocacy group had a representative in court with us. By the time I called our particular worker, she had already heard about the specifics and was not amused. Local gossip says this particular judge is known to hate women and to block protective orders whenever possible.

The concealed carry permit would be difficult because I do so much volunteer work with schools, not to mention picking kids up in schools, and there is a law here that make having any gun within so many feet of a school a felony. That is something I'll make a point of looking into and just work out the details of where and when and how later.

Meanwhile, with our girl at least temporarily out of his picture, the offensive offender managed to get another kid kicked out of his own house by telling the kid's parents a bunch of lies. There is a growing number of young people who are pissed off. You know how kids are, more hands-on and less likely to rely on adult-style legal methods.

I went by the battered women's advocacy office today and got an application to be a volunteer. I told them I didn't know if I had any qualifications, but I'm menopausal and was that enough? They said I'll fit right in. There was something so ... right ... about being in a building full of pissed off women with attitudes. I have found a real life home. :)

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2002


Helen, I did counseling for the BWP for over a year. I know I made a difference. You will too. You learn where the all-night laundromats are and which parking lots have an alert and sympathetic security guard, because the shelter is almost always full. Volunteering means they will go the extra mile for you--quid pro quo and all that. And you will learn how to talk people out of suicide and give them a way out--if they're ready to take it. Lots of backsliding here but also lots of successes. Good for you.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

While working out the gun issues, you and your daughter need to learn to defend yourselves in case of attack.

Learn now.

Sometimes the gun isn't as handy as a quick right chop to his neck, or a knee to his groin.

Learn now.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002


Are tazers allowed near schools?

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

be nice if someone could use the taser on the judge...

then chop him in the neck and knee him in the groin.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002



A dear doomer friend of ours gave me a taser before the rollover. I'll check the law on that. Meanwhile, yes, self-defense classes are a good idea. There's a very gentle elderly man here who teaches kids how to fight without becoming bullies.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

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