A long time good friend of mine (female, single, never married age 39) recently met a guy that she has been sharing e-mails with for several months (She put up one of her two dogs for "adoption" and he adopted it.) She states that she had absolutley no interest in the guy prior to their actually meeting about two weeks ago, other than sharing dog stories via e-mail once in a while. I believe her, since she has always been very open with me with regard to her love life or lack there of. Upon meeting this guy, it was love at first sight. But within a week, he was already manipulating her with regard to her schedule, her job and who she keeps for friends, threatening to leave her if she maintains friendship with males (yes, I am effected and kind of biased), or works hours that are inconvenient to his wants. He publicly "breaks it off" in an almost patrionizing way(I love you, and you're wonderful and deserve God's blessing, blah, blah...but I can't have a relationship with someone that spends time with other men, etc.) He then calls/emails incessently to apologize. This has happened twice already. He paints bleak pictures to her of her family and friends, both male and female, portraying THEM as emotionally disturbed and manipulative "one-way" types that have little concern for her. He has actively encouraged her to avoid contact with these people, because he "is all she needs." She feels that she has to lie to him to "prevent him from being hurt" and feels guilty when she interacts with us in and away from work. Her 15 year old daughter confided in me that she feels the same way as we do about him, but her Mom will hear nothing of it. Her daughter say's that he makes her feel "creepy." This is not a pattern for my friend, she has actually dated some nice men that we all liked (along with a few losers), but according to her, "they didn't make her tingle" like this one does. She says that she is aware of his manipulation, but down plays it. She says that she has been flattered by his persistent attmpts to reconcile. "I'll break it off fast if he gets too annoying...but NO man has made me feel this way in more than ten years." She is totally infatuated. It's already very troubling to her friends and her daughter, but she's not listening, and accuses us of trying to spoil her love life. "See, you're just like he says you are." We have never discouraged her about any relationship before, until after it was pretty much over. We're worried about what maybe coming down the pipe.

Anyway, I hate to ramble on too long. I guess that all of this smells like the early stages of an abusive relationship to me, and I was wondering if there was any research on the topic that correlates this sort of behavior with future abuse. I am not any kind of health professional and have no one to ask. Thanks

-- Anonymous, March 02, 2002

Answers

Sounds like it. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Abuse is truly a sad affair to be aware of, but all you can do or should do, is tell the lady of your concerns. She is the one that must make the decision.

-- Anonymous, March 05, 2002