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Re: Smiles -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today's CyberSmile. . .
WHEN MY WIFE and I sent our bills to Medicare, we accidentally enclosed a veterinary bill for our dog, Duster. Medicare returned the vet's statement to us, with this note: "Sorry, Duster. You're barking up the wrong tree." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by William Starbody
WHEN I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a thriving practice. One morning I saw a new patient whom I recognized as my old high-school principal. "Gee," I said nervously, "I'm a little surprised to see you here." "Why?" he replied. "You certainly spent a great deal of time in my office." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by D.C. Regitz
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can do all these things,
THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG
Having just finished reading a story to my fourth grade class, I decided to check the students' knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used.
"Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" I asked.
Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.
After a few more silent moments, I decided to give them a hint, "Adolescent: it's something all of you are, and I am not."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"
-- Anonymous, February 27, 2002
At a nursing home in Miami, a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "and thank God we can all still drive."
-- Anonymous, February 28, 2002
Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
-- Anonymous, March 02, 2002
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page.
Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"And what were the first words you saw?"
From Walter W Wagner
-- Anonymous, March 02, 2002
In 2001 five times more money was spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
That means that in 30 years there will be people walking around with huge breasts and erections -- but they won't remember what to do with them.
-- Anonymous, March 04, 2002