Ok--here's my question--when I was first getting to know my exhusband, it was really important to me to be friends first--- guess I never have been one to just jump into something! The few times since I have been divorced that I have dated, friendship and companionship seems to be the last thing on the guys mind. What I am wondering is, if this is an unreasonable expectation?

-- Lynn n Wa. (crabbyfiddler@earthlink.net), February 25, 2002

Answers

Lynn. great question and very timely for me. I didn't date for 5 years and then I met the man I currently date. In the "getting to know you" stage, I said the most important criteria was being my best friend first and foremost. He said " That is asking too much". I still want that. We still date, He is not my best friend. He wants something permanent, I know it never can be permanent for that very reason. The short answer is: I don't think it is unreasonable to want a really good friend in your mate, as well as all the other things, but that is just me. Stick to your guns. The older and more mature I become , the more important this is to me. In fact, it's at the top of my "want" list. :) Carole

-- Carole (carle@earthlink.net), February 25, 2002.

Lynn, it's not unreasonable at all. Believe it or not, guys have the same problem. I've gone out with a few women who had other things on their mind rather than being my friend first. These days, I don't think I could be interested or intimate with a woman that I couldn't first be good friends with. It just makes sense.

When I was married, I came to the conclusion that my wife could never be my friend. There were just so many things that she and I could never talk about comfortably. The woman that I am involved with now and I don't have that problem. We seem to be able to tell each other anything and everything, even our deepest, darkest secrets.....maybe even some things we shouldn't. We don't share all the same dreams or whatever, and I doubt we're "soulmates" (geez, I hate that term!) but it's so much better than any relationship I've had in the past. I don't know exactly how to explain it. Being together just seems to flow so naturally and comfortably. The other things are important, but I think this is why we both think this is so special.

The other thing that is very important to both of us is a shared faith. While I didn't believe that was that important in the past, I think it has a lot to do with why things are going so well now. Add to this that everytime I asked Him to show me the "right one", she popped into my life. I was a little slow on the uptake, but I think He's finally gotten the message across. Of course, that is a story in itself .

-- Fran (on MD's Eastern Shore) (simpleplesurzfrm@dmv.com), February 25, 2002.

Speaking from the viewpoint of an emotional "Vulcan" as my first wife described me, friendship, communication, honesty and understanding are the qualities we found that made our relationship work. Our life together was special and and grew every day. Had she not passed on, I would not be answering this thread today.

My second wife, on the other hand, could never understand these four qualities. She expected our relationship to either be a choreography of her parents relationship and her dreams or not at all. All I could do was understand her disappointment and pursuade her to go in search of what she wanted through non-interference as there was no bond left between us.

I date now, but find myself always looking for a woman that possesses the four qualities I described before thinking seriously of the future.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), February 26, 2002.

Lynn, What I look for in any person, be it friend or lover, is a sense of humor. They have to love country life and animals and children, too. It seems to be an impossible to find a man who fits that description,or they have already been found by a lucky someone. When you get to be 57 years old, there isn't too many out there that want you either! LOL!!!

-- Karen Mauk (kansashobbit@yahoo.com), February 26, 2002.

Hi Karen M...I find what you said so true,,men seem to want someone very skinny, young, and/or owner of properties and have plenty of money,,,I have seen several of my friends,(who are very nice ladies and NOT fashion models),(my age group, seniors) get married and they have plenty of money and own property,,new cars, etc. Just easier for them,,,Not meaning to complain,,just what I see happening....

Now,,I am just a hard working homesteader,upbeat,have a strong Faith,,and love the country-life,,run a 1987 Chevy, work at an office job and at home,,rent my property at the present.,,,Love life and creation,,good friends,,animals,riding horses,,, to be out in nature,,,(even like spiders in their place) and LOVE our Country-Side Forum,,,,and the folks on it,,,,I think being "friends" is VERY important,,(not unreasonable at all to want that),,and caring about how the other person feels, thinks,and their preference are inportant too,,,,give and take,in all aspects of life,,,not all 'take' on one side,,,Communication is so important,,it is a "lifeline" for any relationship,not ,, You All Take Care,,,Patsy ,,

-- Patsy, MT (cozyhollow-gal@care2.com), March 07, 2002.

Relationships have allowed me to grow as a person, and I prefer the friends first idea...doesn't usually work out that way as nature seems to always take its course, but nice ideal. Kind of Man from La Mancha...our life tends to keep up with the ideals and goals we set for ourselves....shoot high.

It is mighty hard to explain to the typical mall shopping, credit card charging, club centered female, the joys of being self reliant. I believe country gals in this sense are quite rare.

But if there is one out there that likes sheep and a 49 year old shepherd, I'm available.

Gary from Mn

-- Gary from Mn (hpysheep@midwestinfo.com), March 09, 2002.