From the Fiver. Honest!

MONKEY MAGIC

As Dave 'not exactly as talented as Kurt Cobain' Grohl sang on the Foo Fighters album The Colour and the Shape - and as Johnny Vegas would surely confirm - leaving a monkey can be a real wrench. Kevin Phillips clearly agrees: so much so that the former Watford striker is prepared to sacrifice his admittedly flagging international career by committing his future to Peter Reid (though he would surely be better off just committing himself). Even the cuddly ITV Sport simian can't command such loyalty.

Like a hungry motorist at a Little Chef, Phillips has been starved of service at Sunderland. However, he seems in no hurry to leave. This morning, the Fiver's favourite jazz mag, the Daily Express, claimed that Phillips would complete a GBP12m move to Tottenham in the summer; but his management company were quick to deny the story. "There are no negotiations between Kevin Phillips and Tottenham Hotspur - or any other club at this current time. He is under contract with Sunderland for three more years and is happy to remain at the club," said Jon Smith, chief executive of First Artist, who do not have either Mr Grohl or Mr Vegas on their books.

"At this time, Kevin's main objective is to continue to perform well for Sunderland and remain in Sven-Goran Eriksson's plans for the World Cup in June," continued Smith, not noticing the obvious contradiction. How happy he will be watching Darius Vassell scoring for fun in Japan while he's sitting on a beach in Ayia Napa - or Filey - remains to be seen.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Answers

The Admirable Phillips

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Wait for it, wait for it.... they'll be along soon after they find someone to read it out to them...

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002