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Perks Of Being Over 40

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.


1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.


1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2002


these are some good ones, sue!

i've just sent this list to several people that i know can relate

; )

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2002

ACK! I can relate.

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2002

thanks, guys.....theses are from Dan, I forgot to put that on the title!!!!!

this is my favorite...

"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. hehehe!!!!

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2002

Saro, thanks that made my day. Blessings, David

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2002

Old is when your Sweetie says, "You have pillow creases on your face," and you say, "Um, they've been there for months. . ."

When it takes you over a week to paint the damn living room and it's only a 63 ranch tract house size. (Not including the ceiling and only painting the door in the trim department.) Just a 6 x 8 piece of wall to go and one more coat on the door. Maybe tomorrow. (Thank God for aluminum foil, in which the brushes and pads are wrapped tightly after each segment so they don't have to be washed out.)

When Sweetie wants you to buy him more of those putter pants with the elastic waist.

When you put the cat litter boxes up on small plastic patio tables so you don't have to bend all the way down there.

When you start putting those support inserts in your shoes.

When you say, God, there are so many more things I could put on this list but I'm not going to because I need to go the bathroom again.

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2002

I'm pissed... went to the casino yesterday, and they gave me a coupon for a free senior citizens dinner... little bitch...

Just because I'm old enough to be her dad... didn't try and hit on her either...

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2002

didn't try and hit on her either...but still thinking about doing it...


-- Anonymous, February 13, 2002

humph... most other mammals you have to have grey hair before you're even qualified to breed...

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2002

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