Valentines Cards

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Something different for Valentines Day

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2002

Answers

LONDON (Reuters) - It's the most romantic day of the year, but for many people the cards they receive on February 14 are not from a Valentine, but from themselves.

One in nine love missives received on Valentine's Day were sent by people to themselves "to save face on the dreaded V-day", according to a survey released by online retailer amazon.co.uk on Thursday.

Amazon, which questioned more than 1,000 people in Britain, France and Germany, also found one in three cards was received by a parent and one person in 10 admitted to stealing a card from a sibling or housemate.

Amazon said Germans were the least romantic, with 69 percent saying Valentine's Day was unimportant, compared to 54 percent of Britons and 46 percent of French.

Germans were also the most likely to forget to give their partners a present while the French spent the most on their loved ones.

One in three French lovers splashed out between 30 pounds and 60 pounds on a gift, and 11 percent spent more than 60 pounds.

The most common romantic gift in Britain and Germany was flowers. The French were more likely to opt for a romantic dinner or other surprise at home.

And for those who don't yet have a Valentine, sex shop chain Ann Summers has compiled a chat-up guide to ensure no-one has to spend the year's most romantic day alone.

A poll of 5,000 Ann Summers customers came up with lines like: "You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs, any questions?" and "Hi, I'm Mr Right, someone said you were looking for me".

>>> Any other suggestions for greetings card con Valentine's Day chat up lines?

"Hi, I'm a geologist - want to know how I make the earth move for you?"
"Watch out, there's a thief about! He's stolen all the stars in the sky and is selling them on the black market...no, hang on, that's wrong..."
"How's about you sit on my face and I can guess your weight?"
"Hold my pint while I go for a s**t" - used that one.
"Hi, my name's Rob. Can I shag you? Please?"

-- Anonymous, February 08, 2002


Apologies in advance:

'Fancy getting your kisser round my pisser?'
'Gums round my plums?'

-- Anonymous, February 08, 2002


lipstick around dipstick

-- Anonymous, February 08, 2002

Sid the Sexist always has the best lines

"D'ya like jewellery pet? Well suck me cock, it's a gem"
"D'ya like poultry? Then suck me cock, it's fowl"
"D'ya like fruit? Then suck me cock, it's a peach"

-- Anonymous, February 08, 2002


Mind, ye divvent sweat much for a fat lass.

-- Anonymous, February 08, 2002


Another one of Sids

'Would yer like to see me elephant impression.'

-- Anonymous, February 08, 2002


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