While weÕre on the question of dating, hereÕs one that IÕve been struggling with. Which becomes more important, the person or the lifestyle? IÕm sure we all recognize that relationships always involve trade-offs and compromises. And the lifestyle that we all enjoy is not what most people are looking for. Would you be willing to change your lifestyle somewhat, or even totally, to accomodate the right person? Or is it more important to you to find someone that fits your chosen lifestyle? The question as it was put to me was: Do you really think that youÕre ever going to find someone in a continually shrinking dating pool that matches you in interests, intelligence, and faith, that you feel totally comfortable with and accepting of and by, are sexually attracted to, and would choose to live the life that you live? I had to agree with her that my chances of ever finding the right combination of these criteria in any one woman are slim and none. As you might guess, the woman that asked me this question fits all of my criteria except the last one. She doesnÕt even think IÕm crazy for wanting to live the way I do; itÕs just that she (and I) know she would have a real problem living the way I do.

So IÕm curious, compadres, what do you think? How would you handle this in your own lives?

-- Fran (on MD's Eastern Shore) (simpleplesurzfrm@dmv.com), February 07, 2002

Answers

I spent 10 years in a marriage wishing I lived the life I wanted and losing more and more of myself each day. Granted I married someone who I thought wanted the same life. He grew up with it and never said otherwise. 10 years and two children later he decided he liked our friend, neighbor, his co-worker better (all the same person).

I would hold the dream but that is me. I worked like heck to get what I have and someone would have to be really special and be a proved trustworthy love for me to give up the drean/reality again. But you know, 10 years and two children later, I sure didn't expect it to end the way it did. As I told the judge, I didn't get married, have two children and spend 10 years of my prime thinking I would be getting divorced.

That's a really hard one Fran. Is there anyway you could rent your place to be with her if there is just no way she could live your lifestyle? That would be the only safe way to do things I can think of.

Susan

-- Susan in Minnesota (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), February 07, 2002.

Hey Susan, I can double both your numbers.......twenty years of marriage and 4 kids, and ten years on the farm later, my ex decided she would rather hangout in bars like her divorced friends than be a wife and mother. At least she did enjoy the life we lived until she hit the dreaded "40 Thing"! That's when it all came apart. I, too, had married for life, but the woman I had lived with for those twenty years ceased to exist after that point. And the "new" woman was a poor substitute for the old one.

As far as how we could make the compromise, neither this lady nor I would ever sell the farm. Actually I refuse to even consider it. It's as much a part of who I am as anything else. Someday, with a "few" improvements and a little time hanging around me, she may be able to think of it as home, too. It's only about 4 miles out of town anyway, so living in town and going out there is no big deal. The town itself is pretty small....about 3500. And my daughter and her husband have expressed an interest in living in the house, but not doing anything with the farm. It's funny, but most people would be ecstatic about all these amenities that I'd be "settling for".....a real nice house in a real nice area with all the conveniences. The difficult part for me would be living without the animals, a clear view of the sunset, and being in town with neighbors and locked doors and the like. While I'm real involved in the community, I like being able to go home and leave them all behind.

The conclusion I think I'm coming to is that I can have more than one dream, and while I used to think that I had to give up one to have the other, I'm not so sure it has to be all or nothing. As long as I can still get out there and play in the dirt and watch the sun go down, I can still be a happy boy. Having to drive back into town to be with someone that shares the rest of my life may not be the way I pictured it, but it could work.

Only time will tell............

-- Fran (on MD's Eastern Shore) (simpleplesurzfrm@dmv.com), February 07, 2002.

Fran, If the farm is only 4 miles from town why can you live on the farm, fix it up to suit her and go the 4 miles or what ever to work? That way you can have the animals and she can have what she wants. What is it she wants besides you anyway Fran? Or maybe a better question is, what doesn't she want that you want of have?

This is an interesting dilemma. Susan

-- Susan in Minnesota (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), February 07, 2002.

"The right combination of these criteria are slim to none" Wow how well put. Even if she were really special but said "We must move to new yuck city for this or that reason".......well I guess its time to say goodbuy. A move to a place like that would surely do me in. [criteria]

Fran you've got a plate full to think about.....luck to ya!

-- Jim-mi (hartalteng@voyager.net), February 07, 2002.

After 23 years of marriage,of putting-for the most part willingly my dreams of land and country on hold until he had the right job--he left. After the inital shock had worn of, I pretty much determined if there was ever going to be someone else in my life--we needed to see eye to eye on the homesteading thing. Even though it gets dang lonely, as I know you all know, it is preferable to me than trying to pretend I am someone I am not, by dating someone who doesn't have my same goals and interests. Maybe to someone else this would not be so important, but it is to me. Guess you really need to decide what you can live with and go from there!

-- Lynn in Wash. (crabbyfiddler@earthlink.net), February 08, 2002.