Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the old folks' nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because she and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic, they all tolerate each other and some of the males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a KitKat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel again dug deep into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on ma'am".

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable (for his age) erection in his hand.

"Oh no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002

Answers

I am shocked! shocked I tell ya!

Carl, you shouldn't use BrookS handle like that.

LOL

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002

Mom just went into a rehab (e.g., nursing) facility this weekend. I received this by e-mail today. Apparently someone thought I needed it.

I don't think this facility is quite that wild, but I do remember from last year, same place, finding a pair of socks in her laundry pile that belonged to a guy resident upstairs. There were never any satisfactory explanations provided for that one...

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002

ROTFL!!!!!

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002

AS PARAMEDICS, my partner and I were dispatched to check on a 92-year- old man who had become disoriented. We decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, I questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, I asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" He slowly looked up at me, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by Linn Burch

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002

(((BrookS)))

Sorry to hear about your mom.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking the dough up with her vagina.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2002

(((BrookS))) from me, too. My father was in a nursing home this time last year (passed away in April).

Although it was an extremely tough decision, it was the right one because he couldn't feed himself and home care wasn't an option (among other problems, the sewer had flooded the basement of his house and no one had cleaned up the mess. I won't tell you what the house smelled like.)

Keep a good eye out. I pray that there are skilled, caring workers at your mom's institution. I know there are some really good ones out there.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2002

At the moment Mother is in rehab, but I don't think she'll be coming home again. And Dad is requiring lots of help at home because he's on his way out, too. It's why I haven't been posting much lately. Here's hoping things settle down somehow by gardening season.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2002

Hang in there, BrookS. You may have a year like I had last year where very little gardening got done. I had to buy veggies from the farm market and freeze them.

This, too, shall pass.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2002