Last night got dragged by my boss - a Baggie- to WBA v Birmingham City. "What an atmosphere" "It'll be a stormer of a game" "You'll never go back to a Newcastle match after seeing this" Yup, I bought the hype and a ticket. Oh dear.

Never again will I complain about watching Premier league football. We are talking OCEANS of difference my friends. The skill on and off the ball was 3rd rate, the finishing diabolical and the vision nowhere. WBA do have a good defence (best in the league, and they have only let in ONE goal in January. How's that for a statistic?) but they were definitely from the school of 'If in doubt hit row Z' type of defence. Not that I'm saying we couldn't learn from that particular trick occasionally, but not all the time ffs. An easy pass to mf then a Gascoigne-esque through ball to the feet of a charging forward was not on the menu. No siree.

The crowd were noisy but that's all. Like most derby games most of the singing was nasty and vindictive. 90% of the WBA songs were referencing Brum's lack of history raher than cheering their team: 'Fuck all, you've never won fuck all, you've never won fuck all' and 'Shall we win the cup for you?' were the highlights. Of course those witty Brummies came back with 'You are taliban yes you are taliban'. Laughed a little the first time. First goal went it just before half time, and the place went mad, which was excellent. Couldn't find the two lads I came with at half time, turns out they'd stayed in their seats, but over a lukewarm coffee I consoled myself with the thought of a good game in the making. Blues pushing for the equaliser, baggies counter attacking on the break! Yes, I could see it all unfolding. Now we can look forward to an entertaining second half...

Baggies won 1-0 (their 9th 1-0 in 18 games). Fine art, a la Arsenal circa 1988-1997. Score first, shut up shop. It was interesting but it wasn't football as we know it. But then, hey, derby games are usually boring affairs with everyone too nervous of making a mistake and then being reminded of it for the rest of their careers, so let's not criticise too much, eh?. For £20 for a shit seat it was ok value, but not like it used to be 5 years ago when I went three of four times a season to the Hawthorns.

Anyway, came out and met up with the 2 lads I'd gone with and wondered how to say to them - "Shit game but I'm sure you don't care cos you won?" Decided not to, let them lead the conversation. However, couldn't believe it when they started going on about what a fantastic game it was. "Did you hear the crowd Nick? Weren't they hilarious? 'Shall we win the cup for you', did you hear it? Brilliant, eh? And what a game!" Hmmm. Didn't piss on their fire, obviously, you don't do that especially as they've won and gone up to third place. No, I thought, wait til they hear what the professionals say on the radio. Of course, the lads will hear 'crap game' and come out with the old standby - "Huh - those cnuts were at a different game than us!"

Back at the car they put on the local radio (hello this is Ian fron Smethwick and I'd just like to say that the blues were crap but great game anyway can I have a Tshirt please?) and buggar me, the host was saying what a good game it was too! At times like this one needs to examine one's own thoughts - everyone else just CAN'T all be wrong, can they? So When I got home I watched the highlights.

Yup, everyone else WAS wrong. Crap game, little skill, no wonder they are both in the first division. Worse on the telly than being there. If WBA get promoted this year they'll be relegated from the Premiership by Christmas. As an aside, there was a big bit in the local news that of all the football teams listed on the stock exchange in Europe, WBA are the only ones that have see their shares go up. I now know why. The spend fuck all on players and wages and the fans see the result of that policy. But hey, 3rd place in the first division, who am I to criticise?. Boring football and a cap on spending may yet get them to the promised land.

God, I can't wait til Saturday. I do recognise that I've been totally spoilt with top footy at SJP. I know I sound like a wanker saying it, but first division football is nowhere near the standards we see (and complain about!) every week. I for one will give the lads a little more respect.

Moral? Enjoy it people cos these are the very best of times, and for once Newcastle haven't been left behind in the station when the train goes off. We're helping to drive it, and for that I am eternally grateful.

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2002

Answers

AP ologies for the length. Slow day!

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2002

Great stuff nick. WBA knocked Shitederland oot the FA cup n'aal

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2002

Forgot to say - saw Bryan Robson & family in the directors' box. He may just be seeing his old team in a derby. But I think it's cos Megson is going to leave WBA (Villa?) and BR will take his place at the Baggies. I love a conspiracy theory!

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2002

Most importantly though what were the pies like?

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2002

Pasties excellent, no mince pies, coffee shite. Nice new stand though. Showed highlights of first half on tellies during half time. That lasted all of 2 minutes.

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2002

Canny crack nick - thanks.

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2002

I agree with you about the quality of first division football Nick. Of all the four divisions it is the worst to watch imho. I suspect this is because everyone is so blinkin' desperate to get into the Prem that results override any other consideration. If you can kick your way out, do so. If you can hoof your way out, do so. It is also often the case that in Div One you get a mixture of players who've had a go in the Prem and are disillusioned and cynical plus youngsters who are still learning.

Div Two, on the other hand, is quite different. You get a lot of teams who have to rely on producing their own players or getting cheap youngsters from elsewhere - I suspect the average age of Div Two teams is 4 or 5 years younger than Div one. As a result, a lot of the teams are blessed with inconsistency - you get moments of magic interspersed with pure, unadulterated kak! A lot of the young players have ambition to get higher so usually try their wotsits off.

This is all huge generalisation of course and not worth the screen it's typed on!

Incidentally, I'm surprised to here that you found a Baggies fan who could a) talk in sentences, b) walk without dragging his knuckles on the ground. Well done!!

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2002

Do I have your permission to print that off and show it to my boss Jacko?

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002

Not all lower division football is boring. Me and me mates go to Carlisle games once in a blue moon. Haven't been for a while though planning a trip in March for a mates birthday. I've seen a tense 3-3 game with Darlo. End to End games against various other teams and to cap it all a last day of the season thriller in which the on loan goalkeeper scored in the last kick of the game and a mass pitch invasion ensued as they only just stayed up and Scarborough went down. Ahh memories.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002

Not all lower division football is boring. Me and me mates go to Carlisle games once in a blue moon. Haven't been for a while though planning a trip in March for a mates birthday. I've seen a tense 3-3 game with Darlo. End to End games against various other teams and to cap it all a last day of the season thriller in which the on loan goalkeeper scored in the last kick of the game and a mass pitch invasion ensued as they only just stayed up and Scarborough went down. Ahh memories. And i've never watched em lose a game.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002

What - you want to get me beaten up Nick!

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2002