Disclaimer: None of the X-Files characters belong to me, and no copyright infringement is intended. Type: M/S/AD Comedy Scene: This fic takes place in Mulder's apartment, which the Agents are staking out, because HQ told them to.

"You want some more coffee?" Came Mulder's voice from his tiny kitchen.

Scully sighed. "No thanks Mulder, i'm still drinking the last four cups you gave me"

"Ok. I'll just get me and Gregory here some"

Gregory was a yellow canary that Mulder was looking after while his neighbour was on holiday. He didn't have any bird food so he'd been feeding it mostly on crackers and coffee for the past few days.

"That's not healthy Mulder. What are you going to do when Gregory's owner comes back to find a shoebox in the cage?"

"Gregory likes coffee. He likes beer even more but i don't think he's recovered from last night"

"Last night?"

"Our boy's night in" Mulder said.

"Mulder, every night's a night in for you"

"Speak for yourself Scully. At least me and Gregory had a film to watch. All you do is go home and take a bath. Home, bath, sleep, work, home, bath, sleep..."

"One of your videos? I'm surprised the poor creature survived it. He'll never look at his female owner the same way again"

Mulder poured himself the coffee and joined Scully by the window where she was watching the street below. "You have such a low opinion of me"

"You fuel that low opinion"

"I don't Scully. You prejudge me" Mulder was all ready for another one of their petty arguments, and quite proud of his intellectual-sounding word, but Scully suddenly grabbed his arm. "Scully! You're being so forward!"

"Shh!" Came the response. "There're some guys across the street"

Mulder looked out of the window and saw three men standing looking up at his apartment. They were wearing dark suits and sunglasses. "Maybe they're from the tv liscensing department?"

"I don't think so. Since when did tv men wear Prada?"

Two of the men walked in opposite directions down the street, and the third crossed the road and entered the apartment building.

"Think he's gonna come a-calling?" said Mulder.

"I'd bet my new shoes on it" Scully moved to one side of the door, and Mulder took the other side. A minute later the bell rang.

"Who's there?" Mulder called.

"It's me" Said the voice on the other side of the door.

"Hey Me, I'm gonna need a name"

"You can't recognise my voice?"

Mulder frowned. "I'm not a mobile phone, i don't do voice-recognition. Do i know you?"

AD Skinner scowled, before realising that Mulder couldn't see him. "Damnit Mulder it's Skinner!"

"Hey Skinny!" Mulder threw open the door and stepped aside to let his boss in. Scully holstered her gun and waited to see what Skinner wanted.

"I've come to supervise your stakeout" AD said.

Mulder smiled. "Like in training school?"

"No. Like in my superiors think you always get yourself into trouble when you do a stakeout, so i'm here to make sure you don't"

"Wow, glad to know the FBI has such faith in our abilities!" Scully said, before walking back to the window.

AD Skinner sighed. "I know, but i can't help it. Just show me where the comfy chair is and i won't get in your way"

"I don't *have* a comfy chair. I have a couch though!" Mulder said, motioning to the black piece of furniture in the middle of the room with old blankets strewn over it.

Skinner regarded it with distaste. "Weren't they there last time i came over?"

Mulder thought for a second. "No-ooo...at least not those same ones. I think..."

"Who were those men you were with?" Scully asked from the window. AD looked uncomfortable.

"They were some associates of mine that i have some business with. It's not related to this case"

"So no need to talk about it right?" Scully said sarcastically, picking up on his need-to-know attitude.

"Exactly"

Mulder had been hovering around while AD made himself comfortable. Now he offered him some coffee.

"No thanks, i've stopped drinking coffee"

Mulder was shocked. "Why?!"

"It's part of my new diet"

Scully turned round and looked Skinner up and down. "Diet? Y'know that we call you Skinny for a reason right?"

"Yes, yes i do. But i met this woman who's a health guide and she says that i should cut my cholesterol level, and also the amount of stimulants i take in"

"Better stop with the Viagra then huh?" Mulder quipped.

"No Mulder. I'm just not drinking any coffee now. Or at least until i go crazy from lack of caffeine..."

Scully shifted her position on Mulder's desk by the window. "Do you want to take over watching the street Mulder? I need to visit the ladies' room"

"It's the Mulders' room here Scully" said Mulder as he took her place on his desk.

"Whatever. I guess if you sleep on your couch you do other stuff in your bathroom..." With that she left the room.

Mulder's bathroom was small and unclean. The surfaces looked like they hadn't been wiped in days, and Scully stepped over the mess of towels piled on the floor. She was about to sit on the toilet seat, but decided to hover instead, just to be on the safe side. After relieving herself she reached for some toilet roll, only to discover it was down to the last few turns, where you can see the cardboard through the paper. She didn't want to go searching through Mulder's bathroom cabinet or in the pile of towels to find another roll, so she tore off two sheets, leaving about four left, and used them sparingly. Now she wouldn't be the one to finish the roll, so she wouldn't have to change it. She left the bathroom, being careful not to fall over anything, and joined Mulder by the window again.

"You took your time" Were her partners welcoming words. Mulder grinned boyishly, as if he'd just made a joke.

"Watch the street Mulder" This came from Skinner.

"He's suffering from caffeine deprivation" Mulder whispered to Scully. "Any time now he'll flip and then we can take pictures"

"I heard that Mulder" Skinner was not amused.

"Sorry sir" Mulder returned his eyes to the road.

AD Skinner was just getting used to the funny smell coming from Mulder's couch when a voice whispered in his ear, "Oh yes John, do it again!"

"What?!" Skinner said out loud.

Scully looked up. "Sir?"

AD looked round the room, and said. "I could've sworn someone said something just then."

"What did they say?" Scully asked.

"Nothing..." Skinner sat back on the couch and started to clean his glasses when he heard the voice again, right by his ear.

"Oh, yes John!"

"Who the hell is John?!" AD jumped up, startling the yellow canary on his shoulder, which fluttered off to sit on the windowsill.

"Hey Gregory!" Mulder said, then turned to AD. "You scared him"

AD frowned. "He was sitting on my shoulder"

Mulder smiled. "Canaries do that"

"And asking John to 'do it again'" Now he looked at the bird suspiciously. "Who's John?"

Mulder thought. "Errm, maybe his owner's boyfriend?"

Gregory squawked, then said, "handcuffs, handcuffs!"

Recognition appeared on Mulder's face. "Oohhhh, he's reciting the lines from the movie me and him watched last night!"

Scully raised a perfectly-shaped eyebrow from behind her pair of binoculars. "Handcuffs?"

"Yeah. It was a...crime thriller"

"I see"

"Well just keep that damn bird away from me" Skinner said. He sat back down. "Damnit Mulder, why does this couch smell so bad?!"

Mulder got up and came over. Bending down, he sniffed deeply. "I don't smell anything. Must be you"

AD Skinner glared at Mulder. "Just watch the damn street!"

A couple of hours passed uneventfully. Mulder got bored and was teaching Gregory how to fetch sunflower seeds from a bowl on the coffee table, when he realised those seven cups of coffee had made their way through him.

"I'm just gonna visit the Mulders' room" He said, and left AD and Scully with Gregory in the front room.

"Mulders' room..." AD muttered with something verging on disgust. "I'm gonna kill whoever recommended me for this job"

Mulder entered his bathroom and picked up the pile of towels on the floor. 'Scully must think i'm some sort of Stig of the Dump!' he thought, throwing them into a corner of the small room. It's not that he didn't *try* and be clean and tidy, but there was one thing that stopped him from remembering to do his washing and picking up after himself...the lack of a woman in his life. Since his last girlfriend some...Mulder thought for a moment...got to be about 10 years ago now, since his last girlfriend he'd stopped worrying about what to wear and how clean his apartment was. After all, there was only him living there. And now Gregory of course. He'd have to talk to his owner about an extended loan. Mulder looked down and realised he'd finished peeing. He shook and re-holstered, then ripped off a couple of sheets of loo roll to blow his nose, which had started running.

"Damnit!" He'd just noticed there were only two sheets left, and realised that was his last roll. Now he was gonna have to go down to the shop to get some more, only the rules of a stakeout said that he couldn't leave his apartment...Well he'd be able to manage a few hours till Headquarters decided this whole thing was pointless.

Mulder flushed, washed his hands, and left his bathroom. Scully and Skinner were deep in conversation.

"Whatcha talking about?" He asked as he sat down next to Skinner.

Mulder's boss leaned back from Scully. "Nothing Mulder"

"No really, what were you talking about? It can't have been last night's Dodger's game because Scully's never been that interested in football"

"It doesn't matter Mulder, really. Just watch the street"

"That's like the third time you've told me that Skinny. I think you're up to something"

AD Skinner scowled at Mulder through his thick glasses. "Mulder, what me and Scully were talking about is none of your business, so i advise you to get back to your post and stop calling me Skinny!"

"Oooooooooh!" Mulder said in a high-pitched voice, raising his hands as if holding up a handbag. Skinner glared at him even more evily, so he sat down and did what he'd been told to do.

"Squawk!" Gregory jumped onto the top of Mulder's head and began pecking at his hair.

"Hee hee!" Mulder laughed as it tickled.

AD Skinner glared at the bird, who seemed to glare back. Without a sound, Gregory jumped off Mulder's head and flew a circle round the room. Skinner watched as it turned at Mulder's door and streaked straight for the window. Gregory hit the window head-on with a thud, and fell to the windowsill, unmoving.

Scully jumped as the small bird hit the window, and then cringed as Mulder screamed.

"Gregoryyyyy! You killed him!" He shouted at Skinner.

Skinner was on his feet. "Me?! The damn stupid thing dive-bombed the window and you think *i* did it?!"

"Well you never liked him, and now he's dead!" Mulder prodded the bird, which lay still. "Oh God, what am i gonna tell his owner?"

"Tell her her bird was dumb?"

Mulder looked at his boss incredulously. "But Gregory liked beer! How can a dumb creature like beer?!"

"I don't know, why don't you ask yourself?"

"Ok, everyone calm down!" Scully shouted as Mulder was about to make a jump at AD. "I know cpr!"

"How's cpr gonna help poor little Gregory?!" Mulder screamed.

Scully pinched the bird's tiny beak open and blew into in, then pressed on it's chest 5 times, and blew into it's beak again. After a few minutes of this, Gregory's eyes fluttered open and he squawked his annoyance.

"Gregoryyyy!" Mulder picked up the canary and danced round his apartment.

"Mulder, i think Gregory needs some bed rest!" Scully chased her partner before he dropped the bird.

In all the excitement the three agents had comepletely missed everything happening on the street below. There was a screech of tires, and AD Skinner ran to the window in time to see a car burning off up the road.

"Mulder?"

Mulder was holding onto Scully's forehead with one hand, whilst throwing Gregory up into the air and catching him with the other.

"Mulder?!"

Mulder stopped, but still held Scully at arm's lenght. "What?"

"Isn't that your car?"

Mulder joined him at the window. "Yeah, it is! Hey, come back! Skinny, we have to do something, those bastards are stealing my car!"

"You know the protocol Mulder, no leaving the apartment unless it has something to do with the people we're trying to catch."

"How do i know we're not supposed to be catching them?" Mulder asked, pointing after his disappearing car. "I mean, no-one told us what exactly we're looking out for."

"Really?" AD asked.

"Yeah" Said Scully. "We even thought it was you at first."

"Oh, well you're looking out for a woman of about 25, she's dealing drugs in the area."

"Drugs, huh. Well that's not very interesting"

Skinner scowled again. This was fast becoming his favourite expression. "Well sorry that the FBI can't keep you clinging to a case Mulder, but nobody gets eaten by a scary monster every day"

"Yeah, well anyway, back to the task at hand, i'm not allowed to go after my own car?!"

"That's right. We can't leave the apartment unless we see the woman. I mean, what if i let you go now and then the woman came and shot me and Scully here, and by the time you got back all that's left is a couple of bodies and a little note from the killer saying, "ha ha, got you there!"?"

Mulder thought for a minute. "That would suck. What if Gregory got hurt?"

"Yes Mulder, think of Gregory if it makes you feel better. But now you see why i can't let you go after your property. I'll get the police service onto it." Skinner pulled his mobile phone out of an inside pocket.

"But the police suuccckk!" Mulder whined.

"And right now they're your only choice so buck up!" Skinner glared at Mulder before telling the guy on the phone about the theft.

"They say someone will be patrolling the streets within the hour."

"Dang, must be a record!" Mulder said sarcastically.

"We should get back to work" Scully said, and sat back at the window.

Mulder stood glaring at AD for a few minutes, before getting bored. He picked up Gregory from the back of the couch and tried to count the feathers on it's wing. Scully looked at him, and shook her head.

Part 2 up next...

-- gingerbred (gingerbread_fiend@hotmail.com), January 28, 2002