........that's Rude view Naughtybits

After watching the footy on TV last night, I started "channel hopping" and came across the intriguingly named Designer Vaginas. Yes, really. I kid you not. A quick glance revealed all, in more ways than one. Without going into the detail, it was all about plastic surgery down under (not for you Gus). Now, I'm to go into this sort of thing (fnarr, fnarr) as I think this BBS is not the place to expose you all to the ins and outs. But it did get me thinking. If surgery can do such wonderous things, how might we apply it a bit closer to home?

What if our own Dr Billious was to acquire such skills (who knows, he may already posess them)? A quick nip and tuck around the lips for Craig Bellamy might not only improve his appearance (one of the claims made by the programme) but could also tighten things up (another claim) to such an extent that it would be "virgin tight" (reminds me of the old joke, which I'm sure had he still been around, dear old Ken would have responded with). FFS, they could even replace bits that were, er shall we say, "damaged in use". If they could do that to CB, it might avoid leakage from his gob (yet another claim) and prevent so many yellow cards. Now that really would be a cunning stunt!

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2002

Answers

A bizarre and fascinating programme, I thought. Close up and personal I think you could say.

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2002

....I wouldn't touch that with a barge-pole (fnarr, fnarr).

Anyway, if they tightened it up that much where would the lasses keep their tabs?

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2002

Thank you Monica.

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2002

Screach - I saw the title on the Sky TV guide - some things have to be done. As Bobby said truly bizarre. If the Yanks can think of this to make cash whats next ?

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2002

That was my initial reaction Josh. I'd far rather see medical research and resource spent on more "worthwhile" treatments. However, there were some apparently valid arguments such as, well I won't go into the detail, but things aren't always the same after childbirth. So I guess there are good reasons. But for pure cosmetic or "pleasurable" reasons, well I don't agree with it, just like I don't agree with many types of cosmetic surgery. It's different if there's a significant disfigurement - or is it. Are physical scars different from emotional ones?

One woman on the prog said there were all sorts of treatments for men and it was about time for women to have cosmetic options. Well, personally speaking, I couldn't give a t..., er damn. Yes it might be nice to be hung like a donkey, but it would mean having to buy extra large underpants.

It'd be interesting to get the female viewpoint on this subject. Or are they all in California??

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2002

Not being an (s)expert on the subject, but I understood it's not possible to extend a man's length, but you can increase girth (what a great word that is). Didn't The Word follow an American policeman who went for a measured improvement in his love truncheon?

I'm uneasy with cosmetic surgery as a rule, unless of course it's corrective after some horrible accident etc. Perhaps it's something to do with the quick fix society we are living in. Anything is supposed to be possible if you have the cash. Having a personal crisis? Call a shrink (why not call your friends?). Big nose? Get it cut to size (get a grip, instead: Cyrano de Bergerac had a big hooter and was a fabulous romantic - one of my literary heroes). Overweight? Liposuction's the thing (eat less, take some exercise).

Some people need to learn to love themselves a little more, I reckon.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

Why on earth shouldn't someone elect to spend their own money having a body orifice tightened if that's what is important to them, their relationship, or their self esteem?

I personally don't like body piercing but certainly respect the choice of others to do it - after all it's their body, their choice, and their money.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

So what did you get done, Clarky? ;-)))

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

Can they do reductions too?

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

....couple of inches removed, Pete - just to keep it manageable! ;o{]

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

I'd never have guessed Clarky. You still look like a Fat Geordie B@st@rd to me ;-)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

You know, I've had nowt but compliments on here today!

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

Ever since I had my reduction done I've been able to wear normal two- legged trousers.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

So how long did it take them to remove that rod from up yer @rse ;-))

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

Oooh - not a plonker? Ouch!

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

Clarky, my point is that although you can support someone's right to do those things to themselves, it only addresses the symptoms and not the underlying problem - i.e. self esteem.

With no handy book of 'pub facts' to hand, I would hazard the opinion that those who have elective cosmetic surgery will not stop at the one operation, and will never be happy so long as their petty whims are catered for. I find it all rather depressing, but intriguing nevertheless.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

Actually, I agree entirely with what your saying Bobby - it is rather sad that people's search for happiness takes them to such extremes.

However, I also feel we tend to be overly judmental in this country about the choices that people make, and should be entirely free to make.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

Now that raises a different issue, I think. Soapbox at the ready...

We are becoming a tabloid / gossip society. Real issues are being sidelined or trivialised in favour of passive or low impact / minimal intelectual effort headlines. It probably has been this way since the invention of mass communication (great programme about Jack the Ripper the other night, and the press' sensationalist coverage..and that was 1880!), but I feel it's all got so much more intrusive and voyeuristic in all the worst ways.

It's now typical for there to be a poll of public opinion about x, y or z about the most mundane of events, or focus groups deciding on policy, or gossip about the famous and talentless in every facet of their luxurious lives. I won't go into the Big Brother 'phenomenon' (as it's now called, apparently) too much, but it does typify the modern acceptance that although one has no discernable talent, or personality (apart from the cliched ones e.g. the gay bloke who won the last one) or contribution to society other than to accept plaudits.

Off soapbox...now, did anyone see Corrie the other day? That lass has absolutely MASSIVE -

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

Well if your going to get on your soapbox, I'm going to heckle ;-)

Gossip has always been around, whispering hurtful nonsense and salacious details, from royal courts to the most run down inns and pubs. It's just that modern media are capable of spreading it much faster and wider than the coffee shop or hairdressers, or wherever. You could argue that because it's more widespread, it's not so potent - not many people commit suicide or face social and financial ruin over the sorts of 'trivial' gossip that might have caused such things in Victorian times and earlier.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

I'll see that heckle and raise you a riposte ;-)

The modern media has changed gossip or mundanity into an art form that is an end to itself. A latter day opium of the people, if you will (cue smug expression). While tittle-tattle (or 'below stairs' conversation - thanks Mr Major) has indeed always existed, never before has it been forced onto the public agenda in such an effective way. Although I have also succumbed to the attractions of gossip in the media, I also would like to see some intelligent television and press reporting of important events to educate people. I believe in the freedom of choice, but an informed choice with a fair selection to choose from, please. And no, five different versions of Ready, Steady, Cook doesn't count.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

...so does the media create the receptive market in which it presumably operates and flourishes, or has the market shaped the kind of media we now have?

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

Looks like I'll just have to heckle louder then ;-)

But aren't you really talking about forcing intelligent television and press reporting on a disinterested audience. Informed and educated writing is always available for those that want. Is there not a greater danger in telling people what they should watch (because it's better for them) than letting them bliss out on media opiates?

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

Pete - television already has statute telling them how many hours of newscasting etc they have to broadcast. The fear I have is it being sidelined even more by populist, formulaic game shows and fashionable topics (e.g. runs of house makeover shows, desert island survival, spy-cam Big Brother, fly-up-yer-arse telly). Of course there is the freedom to choose between shows, but when it means prime time viewing is a choice beween Cilla or Jim Davidson I think we're in trouble. I don't think there is a danger of being told what to watch because it's virtually done for us already! The tyranny of focus groups and ratings give us unimaginative, repetitive crud.

Clarky - I would say it's the western consensus and homogeniety of ideas powered by the free flow of capital that gives us the world we live in today ;-) Then I would expect a dig in the ribs. And if you believe Francis Fukayama (sp?) the world of changing and evolving concepts has already come to an end. I would hope the public awakens from the narcolepsy induced by mind numbing shows like Ally McBeal, or Friends, or Esther. Perhaps they could watch what I like instead ;-)

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

Got to be a bit careful though Bobby. If they take away Cilla and Jim Davidson, they might do the same with football (not that anyone would miss the Premiership).

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

When I am the television Ubermeister in the New Republic there will be no need to fear - my decisions will be fair and just and you'd better all like it, ok? ;-)

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

Compulsary Mastermind on all channels then, eh? ;o{]

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2002

The next 'must have' for ladies ? Having silicone press studs fitted.

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2002

Could come in handy for blerks as well, PB. With readily adjustable length and girth they'd be queuing up man!!

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2002

Adjustable girth would do me (from what I can remember). :-{E}

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2002