A Boro fan, a Mackem and a Geordie were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal successfully, reducing their sentence to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each from the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly exclaimed "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping!"

The Boro fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Boro fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Mackem was next up (he had finished half a bottle), and after watching the scene, said "Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress". But even two pillows & a dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Geordie was the last one up (he had finished off the crate). But before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your town has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your town and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your most royal and merciful highness", the Geordie replies.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Mackem to my back."

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

Answers

A man walks into a pub and spots a gorgeous blond. He smiles at her and she smiles back. He walks over to her and asks name.

"Carmen" she replies.

"That's a beautiful name" he says.

"Yes, it suits me because I love cars and men." she says, "What's your name?"

He replies, "Beerfanny"

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it."Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clear the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked. Nahh" said the bloke,

(scroll down

(wait for it!

"...I'm just a really bad conductor."

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gears, he let his hand slid up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

What's got 3 legs and lives on farm? (bit sick this one so if easily offended don't scroll down)

Paul McCartney and his new missus.

(sorry)

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

Apologies for lack of scrolling due to duff formatting. Apologies for quality of joke. Apologies if anyone offended.

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

this one's much nicer...

David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.

He mounts the horse unassisted and the horseimmediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.

Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune...

...The Tesco's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

lol

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

Dave - I quite liked the McCartney joke, if that helps relieve some of your guilty conscience from mocking the afflicted ;-)

Does anyone know if the self-righteous get was allowed to insist on veggie only meals at that music academy he funded? I heard that it was banned from such insistence.

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

It's likely only force of law would keep him from insisting on all- veggie food being served. He and Linda were so adamant about it they even insisted on all veggie food being served backstage when on tour. This did not sit well with road crew, at least in the US. One of the tour caterers told me the roadies bolted to steak houses at every possible opportunity and were not pleased at the lack of 'proper' free food backstage. ;-)

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002

The new Mrs McCartney (whose name has slipped my mind just now) was interviewed on the Radio recently, a programme called "The Choice" I think, where the interviewee talks about some big decision in their life.

She was quite amusing when talking about the horrific accident in which she lost her leg. She said she was lying in the road and could see her leg lying some distance away. She could see one half of the new trainers she had just bought attached to it and was very concerned about these new trainers. (!) She came across as very genuine and strong willed. I liked her. She did make one stupid remark that if she had wanted to marry for money she would have chosen someone with more than Paul!

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2002