Does anyone else love the Fiver's style of footy reporting ? This is a class piece of writing IMO:

Like a couple of difficult-to-illustrate cartoon characters, Real Madrid and Barcelona are always at it. Whether it's snaffling each other's players (yes you, Mr Figo), traducing each other in the press (there are around 5,000 sports pages to fill every day) or simply emptying vials of mercury into their rivals' water supply, it really is non-stop. Bearing that in mind, when Real decided to open a new footballing academy to recruit the hottest local talent, there was only really one suitable location.

The Real Madrid foundation gives youngsters the chance to chase their dream, as long as it's not speaking Catalan, while opening links to the local community. It also provides vitally important cultural services like the Real Madrid foundation for Sports Art. ("And here, ladies and gentleman, we have a fabulous cubist work which, I'm sure you'll agree, fully catches the beauty of Roberto Carlos shouting at the referee and demanding that Carlos Puyol get a yellow card.") That it also saves the club a huge heap in transfer fees is, of course, a nice little coincidence.

To show how seriously Madrid are taking the venture, and not to wind up Barca in the slightest, they sent not one but four of the club's ambassadors to tie things up in the Catalan capital this week. One of the four, Manuel Redondo, was obviously delighted at the news. "Esperemos que en el futuro tengan escuelas como ésta," he said in Spanish. "Dentro de la universalidad del club blanco es importante que todos colaboremos en esta gran labor social." Meanwhile, Barca are expected to release their own statement sometime this evening, in which they will detail their plans to tattoo Rivaldo's face onto every four-year-old in Madrid.

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2002

Answers

Today's was great as well - headline "Steve McManaman's wife drinks Portuguese wine!" Shock!

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2002

what's the Fiver?

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2002

The Fiver is the Grauniad's own on-line light-hearted "take" on the past 24 hours in the football world. Free. To enrol:

fiver-list@guardianunlimited.co.uk

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2002

or alternatively click on it via:

www.football.guardian.co.uk

cos then you get to flick through the 'serious' reporting before getting to the Fiver's zany take on matters football.

Oh and you can also access the Ormondroyd cartoons off it. So what are you waiting for Nick ??

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2002

Someone to come in and turn the computer on for him. That is why he always comes in late to work!

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2002

I thought he was always late for work cos he has to wait for someone to come plat his bum fluff after the morning shower ? I dunno I might've been mistaken though ...

And from today's Fiver:

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The day I decided to leave the club was when six or seven people came in with guns and told the players 'you are going to win today or else'. I thought: 'That's it, I'm going'" - With reactions as sharp as these, Dundee's new Argentinian goalkeeper Julian Speroni is bound to be a success.

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2002

Look you slags. A have a set routine I follow every morning. Claire goes to work - I get some more sleep or listen to the radio. I wait for the first few tracks on the Triple-J 22 in a row. At about 9:20 I get out of bed, have a shower, plat my bum fluff and go to work. How you lot think I have an easy life is quite beyond me.

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2002

My mistake - I thought someone else did the platting for him. Little wonder he's always late for work then, is it Gas ?

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2002

LATE !!!! I'm always - and I mean always - in work before 11:00.

...Unless I've been on the piss.

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2002