I'm wondering what the appropriate thing to do is here. My former spouse's uncle died last week. I knew that family before I met her so she's not an issue in this at all. Anyhow, he recognized no one for the last four years. His wife was merely a caregiver to him. She also took care of a son who had a stroke over twenty years ago for all that time, too. He also died in the last year. She's had it tough for quite a while, as you can imagine.

My question has to do with this. There is no showing and no funeral...no service of any kind. Please don't respond with your opinions on that decision. It's hers and it's made. She's more than earned that right. What I'm wondering is what is the appropriate thing to do here? I'd thought of a card and letter or maybe stopping by to express my sympathies. What do you think I should do?

-- Gary in Indiana (gk6854@aol.com), January 13, 2002

Answers

Gary---- my own personal opinion--is be "yourself"-----if it is your nature to send a card--do it--if it is your nature to stop by--do it-- ---just be honest & careing & your self------she will know you mean it---& I'm sure it will mean more to her than you will ever know----- just my opinion----

-- Sonda (sgbruce@birch.net), January 14, 2002.

Gary, having just gone through my grandfather's death, I noticed how quite a few people appeared at the funeral visitation, but not as many at the funeral itself. People are too busy these days. A short personal visit would be very appreciated, I think. No substitute for the personal touch, if you're up to it. A card or letter would be appropriate, too.

After a few weeks, it's good to make some contact also. Let's them know you haven't forgotten them. That contact can be even more appreciated, since things have gotten quiet and the reality of the loved one's death has begun to hit. Some attention at this point can be very helpful.

-- Randal at home in Brazil (randal@onebox.com), January 14, 2002.

I agree with Randal.

-- Ardie/WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), January 14, 2002.

Why not all of the above? If you feel up to it of course. A card with a short letter letting her know that you will come visit in a few weeks.

You know, this lady has had her hands full for quite awhile and no one to hand a honeydo list to. I am sure she would appreciate some practical help and a good listener a few weeks down the road.

You know how people say, "if there is anything we can do...." My father in law started telling people, "Yeah, can you come over and clean out my basement?"

-- Laura (Ladybugwrangler@hotmail.com), January 14, 2002.

Good advice from all. I know when my aunt died it was nice to know that people were thinking of us. A card, letter, a visit, any of those would be great.

-- Melissa (me@home.net), January 14, 2002.

I think all the responses are great. You know, here in the south, when theres a death in the family or neighborhood, we take food. Maybe you can take over a casserole or a cake or something. During such a time, people don't feel like cooking, but they still need to eat. Just a thought.

-- Kelly (homearts2002@yahoo.com), January 14, 2002.

Gary~

Don't forget about a charitable contribution in the deceased person's name. And maybe in the spouse's name too, since she has has a heavy burden for quite a while.

-- Ivy in NW AR (balch84@cox-internet.com), January 14, 2002.

Gary,

My ex-husband's grandmother died and I did not go to the viewings or the funeral service because I did not want to see my ex. I wish now that I had gone. I still don't want to see my ex, but I am still cordial to his family members that I occassionally run into and for their sake, I wish that I had gone. I made a selfish decision and I regret it now.

It's a delicate situation and we're always worried that we should 'do the right thing'. Sometimes we have to do the 'wrong' thing for the 'right' reasons.

-- Charleen in WNY (harperhill@eznet.net), January 14, 2002.

Gary, you might want to even stock up a few "thinking of you" cards and send out one every month or so--a lot of people visiting all at once and then forgetting you exist can be overwhelming for anyone, and a card/phone call every so often would be very appreciated.

Charleen, I tend to avoid most funerals (and weddings come to think of it) because I see too many people spend lots of money (ususally under sales pressure or out of guilt) when you know they should be saving it or using it for more pressing concerns (like surviving children, retirement, etc.). I think the widow in this situation made the right choice. She probably needs to really watch her money from here on out-- even caring for someone at home can be quite expensive. No services doesn't equate with not loving someone. Weddings and funerals are just two days in one's life. (I'm sorry Gary, but I felt it needed to be said).

Also, I don't think your decision was so bad, Charleen, especially if you had reason to believe your ex would have made a scene or been otherwise unpleasant. You can always go visit the gravesite later and pay your respects if you still live in the area.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), January 14, 2002.