AS A SALESMAN in a photographic-supply store, I was demonstrating a telescope to a customer who had recently become interested in star-gazing. I pointed out that he could attach his camera to the telescope and take pictures of his celestial findings. "That sounds great," he said, "but wouldn't I need a really big flash?" -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by Duncan Burnham

Happy New Year!

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber. I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--- I said to myself, as only I can "You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!" So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick. I'll chew only on long celery sticks. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Advice

Dear Crabby:

I am a sailor in the United States Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburbs of Philadelphia and one of my Sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst is married to a transvestite. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Attica, for murder, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on robbery charges. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel; however, her time there is limited, as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancé Utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two Sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Detroit Lions fan? --Signed, Worried

FUNNY THOUGHTS "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." - Anonymous corporate manager

Today's Joke:

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

Quick Wit

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2002