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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the speaking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For God's sake, you sod, it's twenty to two in the bloody morning!"

-- Anonymous, January 08, 2002

Answers

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie." The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jump leads, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?" The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."

-- Anonymous, January 08, 2002

A retired man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sun burnt beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?" "Unfortunately, not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."

-- Anonymous, January 08, 2002

Matthew Kelly was introducing the first guest on Stars in their Eyes.

"Welcome, Simon! Now before you perform I understand you have a very heart-rending story to tell the audience."

"Yes", replies the contestant. "I worked for a demolition company with my uncle. Last year we were in the process of knocking down a building when there was a dreadful accident and it collapsed on us both. The lower half of my body was totally crushed and the upper part of my uncle's body was crushed killing him instantly."

"That's tragic, Simon", says Matthew, "but you've been able to walk on to the stage tonight - how have you managed that?"

"Well", replies Simon, "my Auntie was very upset but she made the decision to allow my uncle's legs to be grafted on to my body and by this miracle of science, I can now walk."

"That's amazing! Now tell us, who are you going to be tonight".

"Well Matthew, tonight I'm going to be Simon and half-uncle."

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2002


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