Try these New Year's resolutions on for size in 2002 Mark Silva

December 30, 2001

We make 'em. We break 'em.

Yet, in the earnest pursuit of self-improvement, we dedicate ourselves anew each year to an impossible mission: the New Year's resolution.

Because it's so difficult to keep one's own commitments, I am offering a few for others to try on for size in 2002.

Gov. Jeb Bush: Raise some taxes for a change, or at least reform them. You and your party already have upstaged the Democrats on education, the environment and the economy. Take the last act.

President Bush: Stop saying "evil-doers." You're giving Dewar's a bad name.

Janet Reno: Speak up. No one can hear you.

Bob Butterworth: Go ahead and run for governor. Democrats are dying for a contest.

Glenda Hood: Go ahead and run again for mayor of Orlando. Americans love a dynasty.

Ross Perot and Steve Forbes: Consider running for president again. The economy needs a boost, and Larry King is running out of guests.

Jesse Ventura: Go back to professional wrestling.

Bill Gates: Buy Florida. We're over-reliant on tourism. We could use a sponsor, and they could call the state Capitol the Windows™ Bowl.

Elian Gonzalez: Stay neutral. When the Republicans ask you to appear in Spanish-language campaign commercials for Jeb Bush, tell them: "No puedo. Janet Reno es mi amiga."

Al Cardenas, state GOP chairman: Consider taking the Republican Party of Florida public. You know, make an IPO. The party's already bigger than most mutual funds.

Bob Poe, Democratic Party chairman: Declare bankruptcy, before Reno does it for you.

C. "Tom" Gallagher: You know you want it all. Go ahead and run for all three new state Cabinet seats at once: attorney general, chief financial officer, agriculture commissioner. So what if you're not a lawyer? A.G. wannabe Charlie Crist is no Clarence Darrow. You're better-looking than Ag's Charlie Bronson, and cows can't vote. Your real name is Charlie, anyway.

D. "Bob" Graham: Ditch the diary -- no more self-incriminating, color-coded notebooks. Start going by "Danny," and go ahead and run for president. This could be your last chance, Senator. Your term's up in 2004. State House Speaker Tom Feeney probably will try to steal your Senate seat, because he won't get a congressional seat, because he won't go along with Senate President John McKay's tax reform.

And you saw what happened the last time an "ideological wacko" ran for the U.S. Senate on "less taxes, more freedom." (Connie Mack, '88)

Cornelius McGillicuddy III (a.k.a.Connie Mack): Come on back to public life. We need more nice guys. And Graham said he was sorry about that "wacko" line a long time ago.

Tom Feeney: Remember, less taxes, more freedom and no more exemptions to Florida's public-records law. (Needed a serious one somewhere.)

John McKay: Go ahead and draw Feeney a new congressional seat, tax reform or none. He's too quotable to retire.

Jim King, Senate president-to-be: Cover the football stadium at Florida State University. Call it the "Kingdome."

Katherine Harris: Let it go gray. Gallagher did.

Al Gore: Lose the beard. I mean, really.

We make 'em. We break 'em. We shave 'em.

As for me, I made my own resolution years ago. I've steadfastly kept it.

No New Year's resolutions.

Mark Silva can be reached at msilva@orlandosentinel.com or at 407-420-5034.

-- Anonymous, December 31, 2001