Merry Christmas everyonegreenspun.com : LUSENET : Unk's Troll-free Private Saloon : One Thread
This should put you in the spirit:
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".
-- Maria (email@example.com), December 21, 2001
Thanks Maria, I love puns and will pass this one on.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
-- Jack Booted Thug (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), December 21, 2001.
Merry Christmas to YOU, too, Maria. Cute joke, also, BTW. Let's all hope that next year is better.
-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), December 21, 2001.
Thank, Maria -- that brought a big smile to my face. I wish you -- and everybody else here -- the happiest of Christmases and/or all other holidays, if any, as the case may be. (My lawyer thinks I've covered all bases with that one):)
-- Eve (firstname.lastname@example.org), December 21, 2001.
to you, too, Maria. Thanks for the cute joke. : )
-- Pammy (email@example.com), December 22, 2001.
Eat, drink, and be merry, because January has no really good pig-out holidays.
THOU SHALT NOT SKIM FLAVOR FROM THE HOLIDAYS By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single- malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), December 22, 2001.
Hey, very flashy Pammy! A very Merry Christmas to each and every one of you!! Here's one about my namesake, tho not about Christmas:
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), December 22, 2001.
Murray Chris Moose!
-- helen (firstname.lastname@example.org), December 22, 2001.
Did anyone hear about the boy who bought his teacher a Christmas card? It was one of those neat, musical cards that play a song whenever you open it ... but the dog ate it.
Now whenever the dog farts he plays jingle bells!
Merry Christmas everyone!
-- Debra (Thisis@it.com), December 23, 2001.
Bump, on my way over the land of Unkdom, leaving a very special present for each of you! For each the other, and the gift of friendship you bring to one another, is more than anything I could leave under your tree! Be kind to each other, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
-- Santa (Santa@NorthPole.com), December 25, 2001.
You sure you couldn't bring Anita a new pair of shoes? A goatherder for Helen. A toupee for Unk (so he could pull off his hair). Some underwear for Pammy. New ilk for Carlos. A lady rat for Cin's new pet, thus new rats for Cin. Oh never mind the list would just go on and on and I would be sure to forget someone which I wouldn't want to do.
How about a Christmas wish that everyone gets what they want or need from their personal Santa and that they have a great holiday with family and friends.
With that, a Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
-- Jack Booted Thug (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), December 25, 2001.
Merry Christmas (((((JBT)))))
-- Pammy (email@example.com), December 25, 2001.
Awe thanks JBT, I think Stuart would make a great daddy.
Merry Christmas to YOU, JBT. xoxo
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), December 25, 2001.