There are three construction workers, One blonde guy, one mexician, and one chinese. All three sit on top of a half-erected 40 story steel building.

Each day at lunch, the blonde guy says, "If I get one more bologna sandwich in my lunch, I am going to jump off this building."

Each day at lunch, the mexican says, "If I get one more burrito for lunch, I am going to jump off this building."

Each day the chinese guy says, "If I get one more rice patty for lunch, I am going to jump off this building."

The next day at lunch time they open their lunch sacks. The blonde guy got a bologna sandwich, the mexican got a burrito, and the chinese man a rice patty. Each then jumped off the building to their deaths.

When their wives arrived to identify them they said as follows . . .

The chinese man’s wife said, "If I had only known that he didn’t like rice patties, I wouldn’t have made them for him."

The mexican’s wife said, "If I only would have known that he didn’t like burritos so much, I could have made him something different."

The blonde guys wife said, "Don’t look at me. He packs his own lunch."

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

Answers

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again? ONE, TWO, THREE?. UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed..

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

25 Signs You’ve Grown Up.

1.Your potted plants are alive, and you can’t smoke a one of them.
2.Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3.You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4.6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5.You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6.You watch the Weather Channel.
7.Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8.You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9.Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10.You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
11.Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12.You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13.Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14.You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
15.Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16.You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.
17.Dinner and a movie ... the WHOLE date instead of the beginning of one.
18.Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19.You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20.A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21.You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22."I just can’t drink the way I used to," replaces, "I’m never going to drink that much again."
23.Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24.You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25.You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.


-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

So this guy walks into the Top of the Mark, a bar high atop San Francisco’s Mark Hopkins Hotel. He sits there a moment. As he watches on, the man next to him slams down a shot of tequila, gets up, goes over to the window, looks for a moment at the panorama of San Francisco, opens the window and jumps out.

The guy at the bar shakes his head. "Beer!" he calls.

A few minutes later, through the door, in walks the other guy, looking none the worse for his dive down 49 floors to the sidewalk. He sits next to the other man.

"How’d you do that" the guy asks.

"The Tequila. One shot of the Tequila and you can just dive out the window head first, but when you get near the ground, you slow down, and you land gently on your feet. Here, I’ll show you. Bartender: Two shots of Tequila!" he says. The bartender pours the shots.

He hands the man his drink, and walks him over to the window. "Here. Watch this!" and he chugs the shot and dives out the window. Everything happens just as he said, he slows down, and lands gently on his feet.

So the other guy say "what the hell, looks like a good rush to me." He chugs his shot and dives out the window.

SPLAT! all over the sidewalk. (messy... yuck)

A few minutes later the other guy walks back into the bar. "Bartender! Another tequila!" The bartender comes over with the bottle and pours and says "You’re an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman."

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. "I’ve never been better!" he replies. "I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

"So he’s in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."

"That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

"Exactly," replies the Doc.

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

There were these two lawyers walking through the woods talking. When all of the sudden they come across a very hungry bear. So one of the lawyers opens up his briefcase takes off his shoes and puts on tennis shoes. "You actually think you are going to outrun that bear?", says the other lawyer. "No", he says. "I only have to out run you."

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend asked her to get out of the car and check to see if his turn signal lights were working?

She got out, looked, and said:

"Working...not working...working...not working..."

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

A man is at the doctor’s office getting his yearly check-up. The doctor asks him if he has any questions.

"Well, actually," the man replies, "for some reason, my penis has turned orange."

The doctor thinks a minute and says, "Well, it could be caused by stress. Tell me, how are things at work?"

The man says "Well, my boss was an asshole, he made me work tons of overtime to do his work, and he paid he squat. I had to quit."

"Well, that could be the cause of it," the doctor says.

"Not really. I just got a new job a few weeks ago. I make twice as much money as the last job, I make my own schedule, and the boss is a really nice guy."

The doctor thinks some more, then asks the man about his love life, to which the man replies that it is horrible. "My wife became a cold-hearted bitch, and she started cheating on me with my friend. But I divorced her over two months ago, and I made amends with my friend."

The doctor thinks some more, and finally asks, "What about your hobbies?" The man tells him, "Oh, I don’t really have any. Most nights I just stay at home, watching pornos and eating Cheetos."

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You’ll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!"

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What’s wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man... "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

A middle aged lawyer and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You’ve been married 3 times before."

The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him! But you’re a lawyer, so now I *know* I’m gonna get screwed!"

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

>21.You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Yep. Yep. Yep.

And all day long! Pancakes are great for supper!

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they are practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One...he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Three....one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they are born? A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does is take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. What is the best way to kill a man? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him and tell him he can only pick one.

Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A. Because it helps them to remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What is the difference between men and women? A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth? A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

When I was working at Defense Logistics, we had a new man join our group, a superb techie, but totally humor challenged. One day, feeling silly, I roundly declared that real men don't read manuals. He was shocked and started an earnest little lecture to me, that real men did read manuals.

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

LOL, Peter!

I knew a guy like that, too. He not only read manuals but asked for directions when he was lost. Had he not been gay, I would've asked him to marry me.

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

these came from Dan

10 Things That Sound Naughty In The Office, But Aren't! 10. I need to whip it out by 5! 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!! 5. Hmmmmmmm.... I think it's out of fluid! 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It's an entry-level position. 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't: 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

SAR, number 1 reminds me of what Clinton's lawyers argued during the Monica business. (As God is my judge, I am not making up the following): According to their definition of "having sex", Monica was having sex and Clinton wasn't.

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001

Ain't that the truth!!!!!

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2001