INDUSTRIAL LIGHT AND MAGIC RELEASES "DAMNING" BIN LADEN TAPE || CANARY || INDUSTRIAL LIGHT AND MAGIC RELEASES "DAMNING" BIN LADEN TAPE

P>Since September the 11th, the Bush administration has been hesitant to go public with evidence implicating Osama bin Laden --until now.
In an effort to marshal public opinion behind the bombing of Afghanistan, the State Department has commissioned Hollywood special effects firm Industrial Light and Magic to come up with "damning evidence" of bin Laden's involvement.

The company has released a 17-minute video using state-of-the-art CGI special effects, photo-realistic character modeling, and THX Dolby surround sound. With a pricetag of over $40 million, it is thought to be the most expensive amateur video ever produced. The première gala was held at Mann's Chinese Theater in Los Angeles.

The videotape is more damning than the administration could have hoped for. It opens showing 'bin Laden' (an eye-poping digital recreation of the al-Qieda leader) demonstrating the then planned events of September 11th for a group of gun-weilding terrorists using a 20-foot scale model of the island of Manhattan and remote-controlled planes. 'Bin Laden' then orders his men to synchronize their watches and ominously hands out plane tickets and fake passports. Other scenes from the video seem perfunctory, but do serve to demonstrate the wickedness of the 'bin Laden' character. He is seen using papier-mâché dummies representing characters from beloved 1970s TV series M*A*S*H for target practice, playing Barry Manilow records at high volume despite constant complaints from inhabitants of neighboring caves, smoking a massive bong lit with a flaming wad of $100 bills, sleeping in a custom-made hyperbolic chamber, visiting a plastic surgeon to discuss a possible breast-enlargement, feeding a tiny shi-tsu puppy dog into a meat grinder and feeding it to another unsuspecting shi-tsu puppy, killing Kennedy, laughing maniacally while reading the New York Times Book Review, and hollowing out a live horse.

Despite the dazzling special effects, the video received mixed reviews. Critic Roger Ebert gave is a "Thumbs Down," saying it "lacked depth," while the Village Voice's J Hoberman wrote "I'd like to stand in a puddle of water on Valentine's Day and sing Ave Maria, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen!"

A special edition DVD boxed-set of "The Evil That Evildoers Do" will be released just in time for Christmas with a 3-hour behind-the-scenes "making of" documentary and running audio commentary from Donald Rumsfeld.

-- Cherri (jessam5@home.com), December 15, 2001

Answers

Onion, Cherri, or similar source.

-- Peter Errington (petere7@starpower.net), December 15, 2001.

LOL! Thanks, Cherri. Hadn't seen this site before and they do have some funny stuff. Here's another:

FOOD MISSILE : FOOD AND DEATH

The alliance armed forces engaged in Operation Noble Justice Infinately Eagle-like are to discontinue simultaneous military and humanitarian drops on Afghanistan, and have devised a submarine- launched 'Food Missile,' which is capable of delivering a payload of 50,000 kilo-calories of sustenence, and 430 megatons of high explosives.

In a press briefing, Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz described the 'Food Missile' as a conventional AGM-86 air-to-surface cruise missile, modified with bread, hamburger, onion, and couscous fortifications. "The food drops were interfering with our ability to wage war on terror," Wolfowitz said, clearly trying to keep a straight face. "The 'Food Missile' will enable us to distribute food and death simultaneously, and at no additional cost to the American taxpayer."

The announcement was greeted with unbounded joy and gratitude by Afghan peasants. "I would love a Big Mac," said homeless Afghan Achmed al-Jafar, while carving the last bits of rancid meat from the carcass of his beloved mule. "I'm so fucking hungry I don't care if the Big Mac comes with a serving of firey death. Thanks, America. Thanks, George W Bush!"

President Bush issued a statement to the American people through the presidential interpreter: "We will vanquish evil wherever it may reside. We will champion the cause of the powerless and innocent. We will protect the sanctity of our shores. We will punish these folks and those who offer them protection," and so on and so on.

-- (just an@anonymous.one), December 15, 2001.