I've been having an interesting conversation with a longtime female friend of mine. She's very pretty, which means that a) men respond to that; and b) women feel competitive with it. She has all the attention she can handle, much of it admiring without being lecherous, and she tries to be nice and not conceited. But she's very unhappy and she doesn't understand why, she's been telling me lately. In peeling back the layers of her human interactions over the last several months, it's become obvious that this woman has developed no social skills at all, no ability to recognize and overcome a challenge ... because her looks have allowed her to take the path of least resistance through life to this point. Anytime she feels empty, she fills it by getting a date from one of a hundred guys she knows within the hour. She has female friends too, but she stunningly confided to me that she dislikes them, because "they all talk about men and clothes and shoes and restaurants and travel and money" ... until she realized that she's friends with them because she does all those things too. Because it was a rhythm she found eay to fall into. She's "Daddy's little princess," daughter of a man who can deny her nothing because he puts her on a pedestal, and thus she has never really had to do anything for herself. Dad pays for her apartment, the three guys she's currently dating pay for all her outings, she breezed through high school and college because her tutors and instructors were charmed by her and gave her every possible break, and she now works in TV news because the recruiters came to her. And yet, deep down, she knows the way she is living is abhorrent, and she's not happy not doing any of life's heavy lifting by herself ... but the habit of letting everybody do everything for her because they want to is too strong for her to break. She comes crying to me about this but I really don't know what to say except to urget her to get into counseling ... and I'm not sure I'd trust my own advice because I'd probably fall for her if she let me, even though I would hate myself as well, because, well, I'm a man and she's amazing. See how complicated this crap gets?????

Anyway, it got me to thinking ... to what extent are our personalities shaped by our beauty, or our plainness, or our ugliness ... and how people react to it ... and how we react to how people react to it? Does anybody recognize my friend in themselves? Have you managed to be above that or outside of it? If so, how? Do we secretly like the attention that we've gotten by having won a favorable roll in the genetic dice game? Is that wrong? Does it even need to be justified? Do we all long for the luxury of coasting like my friend does? What are your thoughts ... and your anecdotal experiences?

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2001

Answers

This person is your friend? You don't seem to have a very high opinion of her...

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2001

Sounds like you are about to hunt down and kill your friend.

Please do not take this as an attack just my thoughts. Are you sure that she needs therapy or do you. If I had the same oppinions of her and if she was my friend I would have to ask why do I consider her a friend. Why torture yourself?

To really answer your question I think that our personalities are shaped by our perception of our looks and the perception of our looks is shaped by our personalities. Sure how others view us adds to our character but no more than upbringing, religion, friends, experiencs, drugs, foods, culture, peers, do I have to list it all? Basicly your brain is mashed potatoes when you are born. One day as your brain matures your learning skills develop and life takes over from there. Great example from your description of your friend. She was always sheltered by daddy when she was young. Now that she is older she turns to you {a man} with troubles. Not to be mean but it seems it's not your friendship she is looking for it's her pops.

Well to some this all up IMHO personality comes from osmosis from many different sources.

I think your next qustion should be about envy and effects of.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2001

It's not that I dislike or dis-respect my friend ... it's that she exasperates me (as I'm sure I do for her) and thus we spend a lot of time whining on each other's shoulders and calling each other on their bullshit. In her case, we're friends because she's capable of standing outside of what she is and seeing that she doesn't much like it, and is capable of standing outside me and seeing me unerringly for who I am. There is depth in her. She just can't always seem to find her way to it ... nor is she always motivated to. But there's something worth finding underneath all the surface shellac. Aren't our truest friends inevitably the ones who drive us crazy the most because we care so damn much?

I brought up the issue because she herself said the words in one of our famous five-hour late-night phone calls: "I've never done anything for me ... Everything I've done has been a reflection of the way people treat me, and I know that people treat me the way I do because of the way of look and because I'm nice to everybody." That struck me as a curious statement, and, I thought, worthy of further reflection with a greater audience. That's all. No closet misogyny here.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2001

OK, so she's got "no social skills at all," is "Daddy's little princess" and "not happy doing any of life's heavy lifting," but you still like her because she dislikes herself as much as you seemingly do? That's fucked up, dude. How do you think your friend would feel if she were to read your assessment of her online?

Your friend's claim that all of her achievements can be attributed to her looks and charm seems to be an admission of insecurity, yet you accept it at face value. I find it incredible that anyone could make it through high school and college and establish a successful career on looks alone. Not everyone responds positively to good looks--some people are jealous and resentful (and most people don't consider looks at all when they grade papers or hire job applicants), and I'm sure your friend has had to prove herself to some of those people in order to get where she is.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2001

Therapy, or someting close to it.

"I've never done anything for me ... Everything I've done has been a reflection of the way people treat me, and I know that people treat me the way I do because of the way of look and because I'm nice to everybody."

So from this statement if I'm nice to her she will be nice to me even though she hates my guts?

This whole thing has nothing to do with looks. It is all about honesty. Being honest to others and honest to yourself. It is also about being weak and using poor excuses for regets.

"There is depth in her. She just can't always seem to find her way to it ... nor is she always motivated to"

You just proved my point. Weak. My dog shows signs of depth also when he wants or is motivated to.

My questions Why be fake? Why play games? Or if she is unwilling or unable to have the depth you are looking for Why pretend that there is more depth than what is really there?

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2001

I find it incredible that anyone could make it through high school and college and establish a successful career on looks alone. Not everyone responds positively to good looks--some people are jealous and resentful (and most people don't consider looks at all when they grade papers or hire job applicants)..

I don't find it incredible at all. I also think that looks are very much incorporated into the process of hiring when the applicant must face the employer. How else can you explain your success in a man's field? (that was a mixed message joke wherein I equate your success with your good looks and the chauvinistic overtones of the sentence are effectively negated because I told you you were pretty. Comes off better in person where I can say it with a boyish smile.)

Did someone mention this earlier? Jim T. is obviosly crushing on this woman and hard.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 2001

I think that personality, to a certain extent is affected by the way you look. Only in so much as that confidence is a major indicator and affector of personality. I for one have all the confidence in the world when I cant see a mirror, but the second I look in one, my confidence falls, rapidly.

I dont see how it happens, because when i cannot see a mirror, when I am with my friends and peers, it is obvious that I am a nice person because they all seem to enjoy talkin to me.

I think it is a lot to do with how you feel you belong in social climbings. Some people think that these status levels are based wholy on look,s i disagrre, but i accept they are based a lot around looks. As I dont have many, I feel I am not as good as a lot of people. Hence the low confidence and affected personality.

This may not have made a fat lot of sense to all you lot reading it, but to me, it has made a hell of a lot.

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2002