Have a Happy New Rear
By ANDREW PARKER
SOZZLED office party revellers were warned yesterday: Don’t photocopy your bum — it’s dangerous.
Safety experts say there is a risk of the copier glass breaking and the machinery causing injury.
Pranksters strip to their pants and sit on the glass to take a photo of their backside to amuse tipsy colleagues.
But the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents say some people have suffered nasty wounds — and even broken limbs after falling off copiers.
Spokesman Roger Vincent warned the stunt could wreck Christmas and New Year for anyone suffering injuries.
He said: “Inhibitions are loosened after a few drinks and people show off. We don’t want copying backsides to become this year’s festive trend.
“Someone could find themselves in a hospital casualty ward this Christmas instead of at home with their families.
“Sitting on a photocopier is very dangerous. We don’t want to be killjoys but advise people to stick to good old-fashioned mistletoe.”
Mr Vincent criticised a Virgin mobile phones TV advert which shows ex-All Saints singer Melanie Blatt sitting on a copier in a thong for a rear-view snap.
Mr Vincent said: “It’s daft and irresponsible and we say ‘don’t try it’.”
An office worker, 26, who tried the trick at an early Christmas party in Birmingham smashed the glass. He was not hurt but bosses took his festive bonus to pay for the damage.
-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001
Here's a relevant Advice from
LadyJ column recently. She's sort of an internet Ann Landers...
Dear Lady J,
My boss recently caught me making photocopies of my butt at the
office. I thought I would be in BIG trouble, but he just picked up a
copy, laughed and walked away. Needless to say, I was very relieved.
But this week, he's started following me around the office, making up
excuses for "one-to-one employee conferences" and asking me if
would "make some photocopies" for him.
I want to tell him to leave me alone, but I'm afraid it will cost me
my job because of the Xeroxing incident. Likewise, I can't sue for
sexual harrassment because of the strict mimeograph laws in my state.
What should I do?
-- Cornered and Copied
Well. This is quite a situation. My suggestion is to sue for sexual
harassment, and claim that the Xeroxing incident never happened. If
he produces copies of your ass, claim that it is not your derriere.
This works only if you have no distinguishing characteristics on your
tush.
If these copies are easily proven to be of YOUR backside, he needs to
be bumped off. If you don't have the guts to do it yourself, hire
someone. These days, I'm sure you can find a hitman if you spend
enough time scanning through web search engines.
Now, if the photocopied heiny is easily proven to be yours, and you
can't bring yourself to take a human life, another option is to lure
him into the copy room and let him know that it would turn you on to
see photocopies of HIS butt. Hopefully you will then have evidence
that will allow you to counter-blackmail him. Maybe you can even
arrange a trade.
Your last option is to cower in shame, you disgusting pervert. A
Xerox machine is not a plaything, and I'm sure that your co-workers
would shun you if they knew that your buttcrack had been where they
place their perfectly manicured fingers on a day to day basis. Your
behavior has secured your place in hell.
Shrug. It's your call.
-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001