With a title like that, I'm sure that any readers must be wondering how in the world I was able to achieve something like that. Well, it's a challenge, but I guess I just have a rare talent.

It all started out when I bought a fancy new cookie press, that had well over a dozen different designs that it would make -- just the thing for the wide selection of fancy christmas cookies that I produce every December to give as gifts.

I already had a serviceable aluminum one, but this one had so many more shapes that it would make. What I failed to take into account was that the dough chamber was extremely small and could only hold a limited amount at a time before it needed refilling -- and that refilling it was going to be a ten minute job in itself, as the plastic parts of the new press just did not fit together with any ease at all.

I don't mind a little fiddling to make visually appealing cookies, but as I was discovering, one pan of cookies was taking up to a half hour to prepare, and that was a bit much considering how much dough I had to get through yet that day and my usual work to do as well.

Finally, I gave up on that press. It was just too much hassle, and rather disappointed, I used the metal one and got the job done in less than 5 minutes. I set the plastic one aside on the stove top, since the countertops and table were already fairly buried under the cookie process. Having made two pans of spritzar with the metal press, I decided that it would be nice to have a cup of tea, so I turned on the heat under the teakettle on my electric stove and put the water on to heat.

Being chronically behind time and not having a whole lot of time to waste, I set the timer so as not to overbake the cookies, and retired to the office to catch up on a little business correspondance while the water heated and the cookies baked.

My first inkling that something was not right was the smell of toasting marshmallows starting to waft down the hall. There was nothing in the cookie recipe that should have created that smell, so it was rather perplexing to say the least. Sniffing, I couldn't figure out where that odor was coming from, but I had a feeling that I'd better go and find out.

My second realization was when I rounded the hall corner and saw a pall of smoke hanging in the kitchen near the ceiling -- NOT a good sign.

Putting on speed, I found the stove top in flames.

Electric stoves are not my choice (it came with the house) for cooking, and this was another reason not to like them. In turning on the stove to heat the tea water, I had turned on the wrong burner instead, and it had gone unnoticed with no flame visible. However, now the flames were quite visible -- the overheated plastic cookie press and its cardboard box were on fire.

I quickly picked up a towel and began beating out the flames -- you know, like you see on Tv. Only trouble was, the towel also caught fire. So I grabbed a pot holder, which was thicker and proceeded to beat it with that. As you might have guessed, in no time at all, that was on fire as well.

About this time, I swept the whole works off the stove, flaming plastic, cardboard, cloth and all, onto the rug on the floor in front of the stove and proceeded to try and stomp it out. About this time, the real pandamonium started, as my two dogs, who had been dozing, jumped up to help me in stamping out the flaming menace. The only problem being that both of them are covered in fluffy, flammable hair.

This was further compounded by the fact that bits of the burning plastic I was doing the Mexican Hat Dance on were now stuck to my shoe, and starting to set the canvas and rubber on fire as well.

In desperation, and speaking very sternly to the dogs (they must have heard the tone of my voice, since they thankfully backed off), I grabbed up the small area rug with the flaming cookie press on it, and hobbled quickly (foot still aflame) for the sliding patio door. Thankfully, it wasn't locked, and I whipped the door open, and threw the rug out the door and into a snowbank. Seconds later, I had kicked off my flaming shoe, which somersaulted through the air several times, before burning itself, flaming toe first, into another snowbank, where it extinguished with a sizzle.

I just stood there in the doorway, staring at the wreckage. I had destroyed the cookie press, a towel, a hot pad, the rug, and my shoe. There was a thick pall of smoke snaking through the house that spurred me to quickly open windows and doors to air it out, and was inspecting the smoke damage to the wallpaper behind the stove when I realized that I was smelling a new burning odor -- the cookies that I had worked so hard on were now charcoal briquettes, the smoke was still hanging thick in the air, and the house was now starting to cool down to the outside subzero temperature.

That was about the time that the smoke worked its way over to the smoke alarm, which emitted a piercing shrieking sound.

It ended up in the snowbank too.

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

Answers

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!! Julie thats hilarious and too bad it wasn't on tape!! Sounds like last New Years at my house. My neighbor was going to make these bread twists with bacon wrapped around them..two problems..she made them too big and the baking pan had no sides to catch bacon fat. She set my oven on fire and we threw salt and baking soda at it to put it out. What a mess!!!! I wish I could have heaved it out into a snow bank instead of cleaning it...YUCK!

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

Julie...What a riot!!! That whole episode would be a perfect addition to that Chevy Chase movie "Christmas Vacation"!! Will you be making a sequel this year:-)???

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

Oh yes, there just HAS to be a sequel!!! To, too funny.

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

But what happened to the dogs? Too funny, julie.

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

Hoo-hoo, hee-hee - laughing with tears in my eyes, Pop glaring at me from the hall - "Nothing is that bleep-blap funny" says he; I can just see you, Julie - ripping that smoke detector down - "Now here's the wind-up..she's turnin' it loose...man, that dectector is flyin' across the yard out there..." ROTFLMAOPIMP!!

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

Hope you bought a small first alert kitchen extinguisher as an investment for the future.

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

Now I know this is funny to read about, but weren't you at all scared at the time? I would think it woulda been pretty terrifying.

I agree this is a disadvantage of electric stoves, but even with the inferior temp control I still prefer em cuz I hate havin gas in the house. After having several stovetop accidents (though I don't remember any quite this dramatic!) I've tried to stamp into my kids' brains the importance of NEVER putting anything flammable on top of the stove, not even for a second.

Glad to hear you're allright, Julie. Why didnt you throw the rug in the sink? We dont have any snowbanks left here to throw nothin in....

Not complaining though.........

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

I've heard this all before numerous times, and I was still laughing so hard I was crying too! One of my favorites.

Whoever asked about the dogs, they were smart enough to back off and they were fine -- they didn't catch fire. They lived quite a few years after that incident. Regarding throwing the thing in the sink, I imagine it was full of baking dishes. I've seen her cookie making productions. The biggest gift you can give her at that time is to wash the dishes, but no one else was around except the dogs.

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

Julie,sure glad everything turned out OK with that "big adventure"!!!

Note to self for future purchase, one of those fire extingishers than doesn't have all that white crap in them,you know, what are they called ???

We have a full size commercial fire extingisher right by the kitchen door, but one of those kind that doesn't make a horrendous mess would be a nice gift for anyone this holiday season.

-- Anonymous, December 06, 2001

Julie, too, too funny. What are you going to do this year?

Wildman, (still laughing)

-- Anonymous, December 07, 2001