Martha Stewart's Holiday Calender : LUSENET : Current News - Homefront Preparations : One Thread

This made the rounds last year, but it's still worth a look.

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

December 1 Blanch Thanksgiving turkey carcass. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 Glue doilies to everything I own.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in Ecru with Mocha trim.

December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 Fax family Christmas letter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 Flog Gardener.

December 8 Have secretary file back copies my magazine, "MARTHA STEWART's (I'm Better Than You At) LIVING"

December 9 Hand-dip candles so they flicker in time to recorded Christmas music.

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 Collect dentures. (Note to self: They make excellent pastry tools when creating decorative pie crusts.)

December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" to enhance experience in case of flat tire.

December 16 Organize spice rack by genus and phylum.

December 17 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 18 Try to find someone who dares invite me for dinner.

December 19 Adjust legs of dining room table chairs so each dinner guest will be at same height.

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 Float votive candles in toilet bowl.

December 23 Seed clouds for a white Christmas.

December 24 Do annual good seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping to make people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 Disassemble life-size model of Gingerbread Coliseum.

December 27 Continue work on "Virtual Garden" project.

December 28 Save the Rainforest by noon.

December 29 Sew leaves back on maple tree in front yard.

December 30 Gild lilies.

New Year's Eve: Give staff their resolutions for the new year.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001


I somehow missed it last year. Or forgot, probably! Great stuff!

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001

>December 22 Float votive candles in toilet bowl.

I went to this Christmas party one year where the hostess did float lit rose-shaped candles in the toilets. The guys got a kick out them. As I recall, I peed into a paper cup, which I emptied into the tub drain so as not to disturb the decorations.

More than you wanted to know, I'm sure.

This time of the year seems to encourage weirdness in college towns.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001

We once went to a Christmas party where the hostess had decked everything with something Christmassy. It probably took days, at least a week, to put all that stuff up, over, behind, on, under, around and through. It was like Martha on acid--bad acid. I couldn't handle it, it was overwhelming--so much scarlet and very shiny gold; we had to leave. An epileptic wouldn't have survived.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001


-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001

I wonder if the gardener is looking forward to December 7.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001

My MIL is a decorating fanatic. There is so much christmas sh*t in that house I can't stand it. So I go outside to have a smoke and a visual break, but the outside of the house is even worse. It's like the Griswald's...only worse.

I pray for blizzards every christmas so I have an excuse to stay home.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001

ok, that does it..I am going to start UNdecorating tomorrow!!!!


-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001


If you can sit on your couch without relocating a dozen christmas teddybears, you're okay ;)

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001

In a multi-cat household, less is more.

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2001

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