I used to be a Parking Attendent in Boston at Logan Airport. I parked jets. They let me go though 'cause I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on a 86ft step ladder trying to get in a window with a coat hanger.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold a Number 3 for twenty-eight bucks.

I was once walking through a forest alone. A tree fell in front of me and I didnt here it.

I used to be a narrarater for bad mimes.

I live in a house on the Medium Strip of a Hyw. Nice grassy area. I like it. The only thing I dont like about it is when I leave my driveway you have to be going 60mph.

I have a Microwave fireplace. You can laydown in front of the fireplace for the evening in 8min.

Well, you cant have everything. Where would you put it?

Sometimes you cant hear me. Thats 'cause sometimes Im in Flags.

About four years ago I was... No! It was yesterday.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries but they werent included. So I had to buy them again.

One time the Cops pulled me over for speeding and said "Dont you know the speed limits 55 miles per hour?' I said "I know. I wasnt going to be out that long"

When I was a baby I kept a Diary. Recently I was rereading and it said Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like Im an idiot.

I remember turning from one year old to two years old. I was real upset because I figured every year I doubled in age. If this keeps up by the time Im six I'll be 90.

It was my Birthday reasently. I got a Humidifier and a De-Humidifier. Put them in the same room and let them fight it out. I filled my Humidifier with wax and now my rooms all shinny.

Right now Im having Amnesia and DejaVo at the same time.

I used to work at the factory where they make Hydrents but you couldnt park anywhere near it.

I used to be a proof reader for a sky-writting company.

Im saving money 'cause Im planning a trip to Spain. I bought an old 45 that teaches you the Language. You put headphones on and listen to it in your sleep. During the night the record skipped. I could only studder in Spanish the next day.

When I go, Im flying Air Bizzar. Its a good airline. You buy a combination OneWay-Round Trip ticket. Leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday. That way you still have the weekend.

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded Insanity. "Your Honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" Then I asked him if he knew what time it was, he told me, and I said, "no further questions."

I left Texas. I didnt have any real ties there except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting views. I wasnt into meditation and she wasnt into being alive. I to ld her I knew when I was going to die because my Birth Certificate has an expiration date on it.

One night I stayed up playing Poker with Tarot Cards. I got a Full House and 4 people died.

I got an answering machine for my phone now. When they call peopel hear a recording of the Buisy Signal.

I lost a Button Hole.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to reminice with people I dont know. Granted it takes longer.

I like to fill my bathtub up with water and turn the shower on and pretend Im in a Sub thats been hit.

When Im real, real bored I like to drive down town and get a good parking space and sit there and count how many people ask me if Im leaving.

I have a three year old dog. I named him Stay. He was a lot of fun when he was a puppy 'cause when I would call him I would say c'mere, Stay! C'mere, Stay! Hes an East German Sheperd. Very dissaplened.

I have a map of the US thats accual size. 1mile =1mile. When people ask where I live I say E5. Last summer I folded it.

My girlfrend has a Queen size bed and I have a Court Jester size bed. Its red and green and has bells on it. The ends curl up.

I got a postcard from my best friend Preston. It was a satalite picture of the entire Earth. On the back it said "Wish you were here!"

-- Tator (you@cant.resist), December 02, 2001

Answers

I wanna tell you about the girl Im seeing now. I met her in NYC. She was buying Clothes. I was putting Slinkies on the escalater.

The girl Im seeing nows name is Rachel. She is a very pretty girl and has Emerald Eyes and long flowing Plaid Hair.

Shes a rich girl. Shes from somewhere else. Her father is a Millionair. You know how he made his money? He made that little diagram that tells people how to put batteries in stuff.

Hey, hey! Rachel dear, how I wish that you were here. Hey, hey! I can almost see you...

Having sex with Rachel is amazing. Its like going to a concert. It really is. She yells alot. She throws frisbies around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

Hey, hey! Rachel dear, how I wish that you were here. Hey, hey! I can almost see you...

-- Tator (you@cant.resist), December 02, 2001.

yupyupyupyup...THAT'S pretty nonsensical, alright.

-- Davey Rootbeer (yankeefans2@juno.com), December 02, 2001.

Ummmmm....was there a point to this post, besides being really quite amusing?

-- Davey Rootbeer (yankeefans2@juno.com), December 03, 2001.

This is Anarchy, I can do whatever I want!

-- Tator (you@cant.resist), December 03, 2001.

Of couse I know what a paradox is. It's a couple of surgeons driving around in a golf cart.

The movie "North" defied the laws of physics. It sucked and blew at the same time.

In my old neighborhood, there were houses on the right side of the tracks, and houses on the wrong side of the tracks. Mine was the only house actually ON the tracks.

Isn't it funny how doctors take a hypocratic oath and their profession is a "practice"?

My friend went to a ball game and caught a foul ball. I went to a ball game and caught a cold.

-- Davey Rootbeer (yankeefans2@juno.com), December 04, 2001.

My friends and i were playing poker last night with a pack of Tarot cards. Someone got a full house and died.

-- Tamara (Twilborn@earthlink.net), December 04, 2001.

Ummm.. I done said that, Tamara. You dont even bother to read my stuff. That makes me sad. :(

-- Tator (you@cant.resist), December 04, 2001.

Hey! Switch the "t" in Tator with the "r" and you get Tarot!

-- Krunch Kobra (??????@??????.???), December 04, 2001.

Creepy...yet strangely interesting....

-- Davey Rootbeer (yankeefans2@juno.com), December 05, 2001.

You found out my secret! Now you must die! 8-p

-- Tator (you@cant.resist), December 05, 2001.

Hes a prophet! If we flip him over, we get a glance of the future!

-- Krunch Kobra (??????@??????.???), December 05, 2001.

Sorry Tator! I didn't see that one.

-- Tamara (Twilborn@earthlink.net), December 05, 2001.

Im just messing with you. I do that! :)

-- Tator (you@cant.resist), December 05, 2001.

ou sound like you have my sort of sense of humor demented and dry...I like it.

-- TamsenCortes (thewreckingcrew@JUNO.COM), May 23, 2003.

Um, this entire thing is from a comedy album by Steven Right. Please tell me you are not taking credit for all those jokes.

-- poopship (poopy@stinkysmell.com), May 27, 2003.

You can do whatever you want EXCEPT steal other people's material and pretend it is your own. And accepting compliments for it is just sad.

On a side note, I too love Steven Wright's material, he is a messed up guy.

-- chicanery (chicaneryxev@yahoo.com), May 27, 2003.

Tator, I hope you're not taking credit for those jokes. They are originally by Steven Wright.

-- Jenn (nobody@somebody.com), July 13, 2003.