For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

-- Anonymous, November 26, 2001

Answers

A P(isa Schitt)

-- Anonymous, November 26, 2001

Here's another one:

A Welshman, a sheep, and a German Shepherd were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm off the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

-- Anonymous, November 26, 2001