Since we're doing lists today :)

Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving but aren't

10. "Talk about huge breasts!"

9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

8. "Don't play with your meat."

7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

5. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"

4. "You still have a little bit on your chin."

3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" and...

1. "How long do I have to beat it before it's ready?"

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2001

Answers

Top Ten Signs It's Going To Be A Long Thanksgiving Weekend

10. After 15 minutes you suddenly realize the turkey ISN'T dancing on the platter and you shouldn't be accepting any more home-rolled cigarettes from your brother-in-law.

9. Mom thinks she's being funny by constantly referring to the 'Yams2K' and the 'Millennium Mashed Potatoes.'

8. My imbecile brother forgot the beer and whores. Oh, wait, that's Christmas.

7. Uncle Morty just HAS to tell everyone about his new prostate.

6. Aunt Edina decides to tell the family how she got her "life partner" pregnant as we all watch Mom baste the turkey.

5. Every time you cut into the turkey, it screams in pain.

4. Your aunt starts a prayer, "Dear turkey god..."

3. Non-family members come over and your Mom goes into great detail, along with pictures, on how you were a little nudist.

2. Great Aunt Ethel winks at you then sucks on the end of the drumstick.

1. Gary Coleman shows up at your door and says, "Congratulations, you're the runner up in the 'Spend Thanksgiving with a Celebrity' contest!"

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2001

ROTF!

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2001

Lists? Did someone say lists?

SUCCESS:

a. At age 4 success is..........not peeing in your pants.

b. At age 12 success is........having friends.

c. At age 16 success is........having a drivers license.

d. At age 20 success is........having sex.

e. At age 35 success is........having money.

f. At age 50 success is........having money.

g. At age 60 success is........having sex.

h. At age 70 success is........having a drivers license.

i. At age 75 success is........having friends.

j. At age 80 success is........not peeing in your pants.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3. You are Santa Claus.

4. You look like Santa Claus.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2. Wrinkles don't hurt.

3. Families are like fudge, mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy. [I thought it was the toy inside?]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

-- Anonymous, November 21, 2001