the answer to the piece below is to get Lolo to mate with as many women as possible 9 months before October in a controlled NUFC environ...

Good footballers are born not made - preferably in October. A psychologist has identified six factors which are crucial to creating football geniuses. Birthdate is important, as children born in autumn are older and more physically developed than their classmates.

The study by Michael Howe, a retired psychologist from Exeter University who has spent 20 years studying gifted people, identified a number of factors for producing top players.

Young people must dedicate themselves to a decade of solid football practice - the equivalent of at least 10,000 hours kicking a ball, he has found. Having a supportive adult close to hand also helps.

They must have kicked a ball by the age of five and played their first match by seven to stand any chance of success.

Professor Howe carried out a study of the history of 543 players in last year's Premiership and discovered the vast majority were born in or around October. A substantial number of players said a strong part of their success was due to adult encouragement from an early age.

"Nobody is simply born to be an exceptional footballer," said Prof Howe. "I have found successful players are bred rather than born, so there could be a top footballer on every street corner.

"Teachers looking for children with potential think they are selecting the best players, but really they are selecting the older kids who are stronger and more coordinated. From then on, these are the children who get to play more regularly and have extra training, while the door closes on the others."

The worst month for any aspiring footballer to be born is June, as they are among the youngest in the academic year and are likely to be weaker than their older classmates.

Prof Howe also looked at the training habits of players such as George Best and Stanley Matthews. He found international stars spent two-thirds of their time practising in a team environment, whereas less successful players split teamwork and solo practice equally.

England and Leeds defender Rio Ferdinand said that family support was crucial to his success. "I know from my own life and from others in football how vital it is to get support from home," he said. "I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't received total commitment from my family."

Six steps to creating a soccer star

· Ensure a child is born in October

· Children should start kicking a ball before the age of five

· Make sure they play their first match before they are seven

· Encourage them to always play with friends

· Make sure they commit to 10 years of solid practice

· Ensure a supportive adult is ever present

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2001

Answers

· Ensure a child is born in October - yes

· Children should start kicking a ball before the age of five - yes

· Make sure they play their first match before they are seven - yes

· Encourage them to always play with friends - yes · Make sure they commit to 10 years of solid practice - yes · Ensure a supportive adult is ever present - yes

Okay, what went wrong with me? I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody....

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

Did anybody mention talent??

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

I think we should should insert a clause in players' contracts saying that as part of their community work, they will be required to donate sperm (shouldn't be a hardship for some of them) that will be donated to women who judge the creation of NUFC footballing talent to be a just and righteous cause. The sperm of good players can be given to the Sisters of the Toon, and Marcelino's sperm can be given to the Daughters of Darkness in Wearside.

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

Screach, do you always have to manouvere topics to young ladies?

:-)

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

is that how he was out for so long with a hand injury ?

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

reminds me of a letter that was circulated around work from some kids magazine from a girl in South Shields who wrote to an agony aunt with a worry. she said her boyfriend had told her that if his best mate had sex with her straight after they had then she wouldn't get pregnant. the sperms would neutralise each other. we still reckon the best friend was her brother, i mean, South Shields!

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

>>Screach, do you always have to manouvere topics to young ladies? :-)

It's his hormones. He's just admitted that his eyesight isn't what it was, too.....

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

AND he's off cottaging!

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

Somehow I can't see Screach qualifying as a Sister of Toon...

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

Dunno, Ciara, I've always thought he was in touch with his feminine side...

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001

And that excuse seemed to work at the trial... ;-)

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001