Finally procured the calendar. There is a team picture with the lads and Bobby looking very solemn (miserable and cold) in their Armani suits. The individual portraits are:

Team coach: Bobby Robson standing next to a stepladder in what looks like a private library

Given (grinning and leaning next to an expensive car)

Hughes (lying on a truly awful sofa at the Linden Hall Hotel and looking thoughtful) Dabs (grinning and sitting on a Harley) Distin (sitting legs akimbo on Central Square) Robbie Elliott (arms folded, standing on the Quayside with view of Tyne and Millennium bridges) Solano (with his trumpet on the Quayside) Gary Speed (leaning on a guitar case in the Tyne Tunnel) Dyer (with a Beckhamesque diamond earring) Shola (looking like Mr Darcy when he got out of that pond, dripping wet and obviously in a swimming pool. Cort (hands under chin, head surrounded by what looks like those stars of the EU) Shearer (legs crossed, arms folded in Armani suit on a chair in the Guildhall)

There now: it's a 4-3-3 formation after all. Get skinned down the left with that team....

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2001

Answers

The inclusion of a loan player over Distin sort of gives away the "they must be goodlookingish at at costs motif". Also, why no Lololololo?

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2001

What about Stevie Harper??!! Best looking of the lot - grrrrrr!!

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2001

Grr indeed, Steph! :-)

The photo descriptions have me laughing as I can just imagine the banter during the photo sessions. "Gary, do you mind standing in the Tyne Tunnel." Speed..."?!"

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2001

Thanks for the description Dougal. I am definately getting one for the comedy value alone.

I wonder what the other players who weren't selected thought? Did they get the message that they weren't the laydee's choice i wonder? Also I'm not sure they would be my first choice 11.

Shows where football is up to though. Can't imagine Mickey Quinn, SuperMac for example in that type of calendar!!!!!!!

PS - are they fully clothed then? (Just joking I'm not that shallow!)

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2001

Just noticed, Harper and Lolo are on the team pic which is in fact taken in Eldon Square (see, you can make anything look stylish if you stick to monochrome). The Carl Cort one is the funniest - it's as if they've tried to make him look like a Pre-Raphaelite painting or something. The funny thing about the Speed one is that, at first glance, it looks like he's in a mens' loo queuing for a urinal. The Aaron one is most disappointing, though, cos you get an eyeful of his bare feet and let's face it, feet are seldom appealing.

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2001

PS. Ciara, got you one: I'm just glad my mother isn't here because;

a) the look I'd get when she saw me wasting money on such fivolities would no doubt be quite withering and

b) she already thinks I'm a daughter of darkness (obviously swapped just after birth) for neglecting to post you the roomful of stuff I've accumulated for you over the past few months. "That poor, poor girl: you are SOOOOO unreliable. Not like your sisters at all. Blah blah blah..."

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2001

Thanks, dougal! I'll pay you back when I get there. I still owe you for the Spurs ticket last year, too. Came home with it still in my pocket. Duh! So we can do a money for stuff swap. :-)

The photo of Cort is up on the .cock merchandise page. Can't really figure out what the message of the photo was meant to be...Cort the angel? Look ma, I can do artsy photos, me? Hmmm. I'm looking forward to seeing the rest. Sounds quite comical! Agree with you about feet, btw. Footballer's feet tend to be even less attractive still.

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2001