Humor, to lighten the mood for a sec. : LUSENET : Current News - Homefront Preparations : One Thread

I WAS TALKING to a new acquaintance at a dinner party, and the conversation got around to unemployment. "You know, it's really sad," she said. "So many people are out of work, and here I am living off the fat of the land." "How do you manage that?" I asked. Her voice lowered to a whisper as she replied, "I'm an aerobics instructor." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by Heather May

Answering Machine Messages

1. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

2. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also very happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

4. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

6. Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

VACATIONING IN Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room. "Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help." At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em!" -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by David Thomas

-- Anonymous, November 13, 2001


Someone left me a message the other night, explaining that he was reviewing my "file" and would I please call him so we could discuss how he could help me on some financial matter.

My File, My Ass!

I almost did call the bastard back just to waste his time.

-- Anonymous, November 13, 2001

Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

ROTFLMAO... gotta remember this one...

-- Anonymous, November 13, 2001

that was one of my favorites, too Carl... Brooks I'd have called to say KEEP YOUR NOSE OUTTA MY BUSINESS..then left the phone off the hook! (I be bad!!!! )

-- Anonymous, November 13, 2001

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