And now our daily news report from Washington - your other
national capital. Today, in our series of Clean Cut Americans -
General Elmer Coyote, former commander of Gamma Force:
So, General, how can you help the tiny minority who are feeling
wobbly to understand the sad necessity of our War Against
Badness, as currently conducted by our wise and restrained
leaders?
Thank you kindly, I'd be glad. First off, I'd have to say that anyone
who is, as we put it in military circles, a real live normal human
being will, by their very God-given nature, accept that everything
we're doing over in Afghanistan and on the home front is
absolutely for the best.
As you know, the United States, and your United Kingdom never
interfere with foreign powers, but once we are roused, we act.
The way may be stony, still our will is strong and our war aims
are absolutely clear, although subject to the secrecy which must
inevitably arise in matters of virtuous defence.
You couldn't give us a teeny clue about them, though?
We seek not to overthrow the Taliban, but to overthrow the
Taliban, which may take a while, or not that long at all, if you
compare it to Vietnam - not that you ever, ever should - and after
victory we will allow the Afghan people to elect a new
government, or we will allow them to elect the new government
provided, which will be based, or not based, around the Northern
Alliance which is either a really keen bunch of patriots, or a
rabble of camel-jockey terrorists slightly less well-equipped than
the Taliban, and we will find Bin Laden and we will kill him, or
bring him to justice in another deadly way resulting in his
law-abiding and perfectly reasonable death when vengeance will
be ours, but not in a vengeful way.
And when this is all over, Afghanistan will be a happy land, full of
merry, hopping children - hopping, mind you, not because they
are amputees, but because they are living in an earthly paradise
of recognisable banking and investment systems. We are
fighting to defend our way of life and don't you forget it. Amen.
And could you expand a little on the qualities that make our way
of life so very, very good?
I had the honour to teach the current commander of the US
forces when he was a student at the College of Death Studies
and he is a fine, warm man. I think of him now, because often we
would sit up nights and discuss what made our way of life so
precious. And it's, quite simply, this: cowards, terrorists,
communists and Muslims, they kill civilians on purpose,
whereas we in the west kill civilians as a sad necessity. We don't
enjoy it.
Some lunatics and subversives would say that, either way, you
still end up with innocent casualties, mutilated babies and so
forth.
That is war and war is hell. And if they're so innocent, what are
they doing in Afghanistan, anyway - the place is a shithole. And if,
for example, a mother knows we decapitated her daughter with
the very best of intentions, really as a kind of accident, it will
surely make all the difference to her. And I know your prime
minister agrees. That's part of what makes the special
relationship so special.
Yes, what about that special relationship?
It's special. It's full of specialness and it's really a relationship.
Which means?
That Britain and the Britishers, above all others, understand that
UK politicians should be able to come stateside and pretend
they have more influence than a bucket of hog piss over the most
powerful country in the world.
And you also understand that, when all's said and done, we're
going to do what we damn well like, because our interests are
the finest interests in the world, but you can come along for the
ride and peripheral dividends. And we could get a little sickened
by all this whining about grenades that look like bandage rolls
and "won't people get confused?" and "why keep bombing Red
Cross stations?"
And the rumours that all US infantrymen who enter Afghanistan
carry a length of pipe with instructions to connect and lay them in
the direction of the Caspian?
Whatever this war is about, it is not about control of the vast
Caspian sea oil deposits. The United States has never had any
interest in oil. President Bush has never had any interest in oil.
Neither the United States or the United Kingdom have ever
cynically exploited a conflict for their own commercial advantage,
or made a profit out of death.
So no worries there, then. Thanks.
-- joj (jump@off.c), November 12, 2001