A subject near and dear to my heart since my oldest son is a heroin addict. When i had my own practice, I was astounded at the attitude of most parents concerning their children and drugs. Nearly 99% would happily tell me that they are not the least bit concerned because they have "talked" to their children and the kids understand to stay away from the "bad" kids who use drugs. When I spoke to the kids alone, here is what I said to them: (kids in 5th grade on up)..so, your mom tells me you know enough to stay away from kids who use drugs? The kids would nod vigorously. I would then ask them if they knew kids in their school who used drugs...never once did a child tell me "no". If the kids were homeschooled I asked them if any of their friends from church or community used drugs....oh yeah....so I then asked them what would they do in the following situation: overnight at their best friends' house..two more kids are there as well...adults are in another room and one of the new kids whips out some kind of drug to share. They watch their best friend have some as well as the two others..now it is their turn..do they 1) say "My parents told me not to use drugs 2)say to the other kids "I'm gonna tell on you" 3) say "no thanks' I dont use drugs 4) call their parents and go home. 5) try the drug. Guess what the answer was, away from mom and dad?????? #5 won, hands down. When asked why, they would respond that it would be too much to say "no" to their best friend. I would then ask the parents back into the exam room and tell them that more discussion was needed with their kids about drugs..that it is usually NOT the "bad" kids they have to be concerned about, it is the friends who are experimenting....the best thing a parent can do is to teach the kid to say "NO" by blaming it on the parents..."No way can I use that stuff, my parents would find out and kill me or at least ground me for the rest of my life..they have an uncanny way to discover stuff like that...." THEN the kids should always be able to go home and tell their parents what happened...and let the adults handle it...that is the toughest thing for kids to do at any age..they think they can stay on top of these potentially dangerous situations and they cannot.....my son got invited to try marijuana from his two best friends in the 7th grade..by the time he was 14, he was out of control, using cocaine and heroin. By 18, he was homeless, destitute and in and out of jail. By 25, he was selling himself on the street for his drugs. His two best friends stopped at experimenting with marijuana and went on to normal lives. My son stopped using heroin over 2 years ago when he became a Christian. Unfortunately, he slipped into heroin again two months ago and now has to go through the process all over again of getting clean and staying that way. He was working with a church group of young kids and told them over and over and over that the first puff of marijuana can lead to years of living horror. Spoke with him today and he is back on track and gives all the credit to God for giving him the grace to stop again. So, keep a dialog open with your children always about these drugs..one conversation isn't enough..one verbal assurance from your child that they "know" isn't enough....they don't know! Go over scenarios with them so they are prepared when (not if) somebody they like offers them drugs..how will they say "no"? How will they get the courage to tell you about the offer? Food for thought....it's been a long hard road for my son and will continue to be so all his life...I offer this to you so that not one of you will share our experience. God bless.

-- lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), November 11, 2001

Answers

Lesley, what a horrible battle for your family to have to fight because I'm sure it affects all of your children as well.

I well remember what some of the kids in my school were doing when they were 13-14 years old, and I pray my children can get through their youth without succumbing to this pressure. I will keep you in my prayers and your son also.

-- Melissa (cmnorris@1st.net), November 11, 2001.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I wanted to add another piece of advice along similar lines. We told our teens when they started driving in cars with other teens that when they felt they were in an unsafe situation (either erratic driving or drunk/drugged driver)and they were too embarrassed to confront the driver to announce loudly, "I am going to throw up, stop the car immediately." Most kids don't want to have projectile vomiting in their car so will stop. We promised to get them anywhere and anytime.

-- Ann Markson (tngreenacres@hotmail.com), November 11, 2001.

Lesley, I'm so happy you can share this for the benefit of other parents. I was fortunate with my two children. Neither saw any appeal in anything like that. My son used Ann's suggestion even when approached about alcohol. He simply said his stomach wasn't feeling real good so he'd pass.

I also used a "free pass" deal with my kids. I told them that at any place at any hour if they were in a situation where they were in no condition to drive or were in a situation where there was a driver who shouldn't be driving them all they needed to do was call me. I would come and pick them up with no scene or embarrassment and take them home. There would be no reprimands or lectures. I'd rather have them home safe than anything else in the world. If they had a car there we would get it later. I even extended that offer to friends of theirs.

-- Gary in Indiana (gk6854@aol.com), November 11, 2001.

First, I want to thank Lesley for sharing. As a parent and grandmother, my heart aches for you and your son. He sounds as though he knows that he has God by his side, so there is hope. Gary has the right idea about telling children to call home at any time or from anywhere, with no punishments! I wish I would have had that option as a teenager. And this is where a cell phone is invaluable for kids! I am older so I didn't have drugs available when I was a teenager, BUT we had alcohol! It's very difficult to teach children the proper use of it when it's legal for adults to use. I can't begin to tell you the times we had alcohol illegally. Now, when I think of the times we drove intoxicated...our guardian angels must have been working overtime. I guess that what I'd say to parents is talk, talk, talk with your children. No lectures as they tune you out. And tell them often that they are loved and that they are wonderful.

-- Ardie/WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), November 12, 2001.

Thank you for this post. I sometimes feel just a bit too comfortable about my kids' ability to stay away from drug use since they are homeschooled. I have to remind myself that kids are kids and they will get into things like that if they have a mind to. I know I did, even with the strictest Dad in the world! Thanks for the reminder to open the lines of communication.

-- Jo (mamamia2kids@msn.com), November 12, 2001.

Oh, Leslie- my heart goes out to you. I hope things work out for your son. My husband is a child and family therapist- he deals with this every day because often the kids he sees have already been in trouble by the time he gets them. My son-fifth grade is just heading in to that "danger time" it is a worrisome thing. We talk to our children all the time-gently -about these things andjust pray that they won't get involved. We've use the "tell them My parents will find out and ground me for life" idea to help our kids-since because of his work my husband is on first name basis with all the law inforcement in this county, it rings true. This has already worked once in a very minor incident, and no punishment as this time it was an honest mistake. Building up trust and support is vital.

-- Kelly In Ky (ksaderholm@ yahoo.com), November 13, 2001.