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Chattering Clinton, the NRCC, and more.

BILL CLINTON, CHATTERING ASS

Last Wednesday, President Clinton returned to the guest speaker's podium at Georgetown University and proceeded to grace us with his thoughts on international terrorism and suchlike contemporary concerns. President Clinton has decided that:

1. Osama bin Laden's mass murders at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were a direct and deliberate assault on the Clinton legacy, specifically. After all, the former president points out: "The people who died represent, in my view, not only the best of America, but the best of the world that I worked hard for eight years to build." Makes you even madder than you were before, doesn't it?

2. The Western world's hands are not entirely clean. "Indeed, in the first Crusade, when the Christian soldiers took Jerusalem, they . . . proceeded to kill every woman and child who was Muslim on the Temple Mount." And later, in the United States, some similar stuff happened: slavery and dispossession of the Indians and Jim Crow and whatnot. Why, "even today . . . we still have the occasional hate crime rooted in race, religion, or sexual orientation." So don't start feeling all superior or anything, because "terror has a long history."

3. There will be a happy ending, because a certain former president was tireless in preparing us for just such a crisis as we now confront. "In the years that I served, career law enforcement officials working with our intelligence services and others and people around the world prevented many, many more terrorist attacks than were successful," and "worked hard to strengthen the biological weapons convention and to pass the chemical weapons convention," and "worked hard to begin to build our stock of vaccines and antibiotics and to support an organized civilian preparedness," and "tripled our investment in counter-terrorism."

Who was the great president who gave us all these wonderful gifts? Modesty prevents him from saying.

-- Anonymous, November 11, 2001