John Kass

If screeners go federal, system might go postal

Published November 6, 2001

Surely you know of the adventure of Subash Gurung, the unwitting tool of politicians who want to put airport security workers on the federal payroll.

Subash walked to his plane at O'Hare International Airport carrying a bag full of seven knives, a stun gun and Mace.

"I wanted to protect myself," Subash was quoted later as saying.

Eight airport security people were suspended. Subash was charged Monday with federal crimes. No one was hurt.

If Subash were indeed a terrorist, he'd be the first terrorist to publicly admit being afraid of other terrorists out there.

Or, he might simply be a moron and will be shipped back to his village in Nepal.

He'll spend his days in ridicule, chattering to the lonely goatherd that he could have been a big man in America but for one tragic mistake.

Like I said, we don't know. But we do know he is now a political tool.

"It's disgusting," U.S. Sen. Richard Durbin (D-Ill.) said Monday. "After what happened on Sept. 11, we still have these private security companies that continue to let people through with knives and Mace and stun guns."

Given the history of the security companies hiring criminals and fudging their backgrounds, he has a point.

And many Democrats have argued that we can make our skies safer by turning those security screeners into federal employees.

With federal pensions, union protection and training, the theory is that they'll be transformed into responsive, energetic and competent federal workers.

And they'll never have to worry about saying "You want biggie fries with that?" again.

Most of us don't have much contact with other federal workers, such as those from the FBI, CIA, FAA or other agencies.

But there is one group of federal employees known to all--the employees of the United States Postal Service.

Many of us have had wonderful, heartwarming experiences with our local post offices and letter carriers. Our neighborhood postman--and I mean this--is a prince.

And postal workers are delivering the mail, even with the deadly threat of anthrax out there.

But let's not forget that while the U.S. Postal Service is federalized, offering training, benefits and decent wages, it has also had problems.

Or have you never had to wait in line at a big city post office, waiting in that one line forever, as the one clerk glumly serves customers (the others are too busy gabbing and eating) and the supervisor waddles by in the background wearing pink house slippers?

I've been in that place. I've seen the supervisor's slippers. I've heard them flop behind the counter.

Do we want airport security people in pink slippers?

And have you forgotten all those stories about lost mail?

Lost in car trunks, in attics, or left to burn in viaducts, ripped open, the Christmas cards gone, and so on.

There was a tiny story buried in the paper on July 26. A letter carrier ditched more than 1,100 pieces of mail and was given 100 hours of community service as punishment.

Robert L. Cloyd, 52, of Chicago pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of "desertion of U.S. mail."

He said he was sorry for taking out his "personal frustrations" on the job and apologized "for my slippage in my work performance."

"I think you've learned to appreciate your job more because you almost lost it," said U.S. Magistrate Judge Edward Bobrick.

Almost lost his job?

Almost?

Then there were the 738 child support checks lost in DuPage County. And another story about the postal official spending $200,000 to refurbish her fancy office, shortly before the headquarters building was to be demolished.

In 1996, the Chicago post office was given an 86 percent success rate by the feds.

"And that's up 20 percent from the same time period two years ago," a postal spokeswoman said.

In airline security terms, an 86 percent rating means that among 100 planes, only 14 were destroyed by terrorists.

So I decided to interview an expert, my brother Pete, a small businessman who uses the post office frequently.

After a long wait in line, he finally asked the clerk for 100 books of stamps. They cost about $4.50 each at the time.

"The guy starts figuring it on the adding machine like this," Pete said. "$4.50 plus $4.50, plus $4.50 plus $4.50. He was going to do that a hundred times.

"A hundred times! I just stood there, sweating, and finally I start yelling, `Multiply! Please multiply! Multiply!'

"They thought I was crazy."

For all those who want to put airline security folks on the federal payroll with jobs for life, I've got two words:

Federal Express.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001