Folks, my brother is getting married next week. I'm very excited, and y'all should be, too.

But I'm the best man, and that means I have to do something scary. I have to give a toast.

I know my brother very well, but I do not know much about his bride. They've been dating forever and a day, and none of us know when I first met her. And in the last 3-4 years? We've barely spoken a couple sentences. There's no animosity, but she's still a stranger to me...

So I need advice... What do I say during a speech? Any *good* jokes about how long it took them to actually marry? Any romantic toasts that make your heart cry? Any funny anecdotes that I can use and pretend they're my own?

I've got nothing here, and as I'm down to 7 days, I'd like to know: What makes a good best man speech?

-- Anonymous, October 27, 2001

Answers

I had to give the best man speech once, and have heard many more. The standard speech is the one about how the groom was such a ladies man and/or a slovenly football watching, beer guzzling creting and how this "wonderful woman" has made him a better man. It compliments the bride without having to know any specific details about her.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2001

I do think that it might not be wise to make any kind of reference to how long it took them to get married - that might be a very sensitive subject for her, her mother - someone. Besides, you're the best man - focus on the groom. Her maid of honor will take care of talking about the bride.

You could give an anecdote about your brother, how much you love him and how important he is to your family, and how happy you are that he found such a good woman to share his life with.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2001

I asked this very same question on Xeney's old greenspun forum last year, when I had to give the toast at my brother's wedding. Unfortunately, now I can't find any of the answers. I know a lot of people said to talk loudly and keep it reasonably short.

What I did was to start by telling a couple of anecdotes about growing up with my brother, and then segued into talking about the bride and how happy they were together.

I can probably dig up a copy of the toast somewhere, if you want.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2001

Damn, I just had a similar situation happen to me. I was the maid of honor at my best friend's wedding, and I do not especially care for the groom.

I was dreading toast time.

When I did make the toast I just talked about what a lovely person she was, and how much I loved her, then I said when you meet someone like her all you really want is for them to find someone who loves them as much as you do, and he is that person.

I think it went over pretty well.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2001

And definitely keep it short. Allison and I were at a wedding recently were the best man fancied himself a stand up comic and went on FOREVER and was very unfunny. No on is there for you. They are there for the bride and groom and the free food and booze. Say your peace and exit gracefully to the bar.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2001

Oh, Chris, that's so true. We went to a wedding a few weeks ago where the father of the groom, bless his heart, gave a TWENTY MINUTE speech. No lie. He even played a song from Phantom of the Opera.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2001

What, "Past the Point of No Return?"

Yeah, like everyone's saying, the thing to keep in mind is that you only have so much of everyone's attention before they go back to the open bar.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2001

What makes a good toast? Short, as everyone has said.

Also, audible is key. It's easy, when all eyes are on you and you want to get rid of that bowtie that is suddenly choking you, to think you are being so loud and talking so legibly - when in reality you are mumbling into the microphone.

IMHO, the "what a big lug he was" or anything insulting, even in a humorous vein, is tacky. So is referring to the lots and lots of kids they will have (because you never know what could go wrong there).

I have only seen once, and cried thoroughly at, the scissors analogy. My friend's sister used it when she did not know the groom at ALL. It was comparing the newlyweds to a pair of scissors - strong as steel, two separate pieces yet joined together, able to move apart and also come together, and shearing anything that comes between them... I think there were other bits, and I bet you could look it up somewhere.

It was just a very clear and pretty image.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2001

Whatever you do, do NOT use that tired old "It's about time you figured out who the BEST MAN was" speech. That thing should be wrapped and thrown in a time capsule. At my wedding, my now-Ex told his best man, right before the speech, that he hoped he wasn't going to do THAT speech, and the guy was flabbergasted and ended up mumbling something incoherent and getting all teary-eyed at the end. Apparently, the now-Ex stole his thunder.

Ack.

-- Anonymous, October 30, 2001

"May all your ups and downs be in between the sheets." is a classy line.

-- Anonymous, October 30, 2001

How about, "A husband and wife should go to be early.......and often."

HA!

-- Anonymous, October 30, 2001

Okay, I found a couple toasts (the toast part of the toast) that I like, perhaps I can get some input.

First, I like "May the best of your past be the worst of your future." but I think it might be cliche. I'm not up on such things, so please tell me if it is (or, really, if it isn't, because right now it's being vetoed).

Other's I've liked:

"May you always have / Walls for the winds, / A roof for the rain, / Tea beside the fire, / Laughter to cheer you, / Those you love near you, / And all your heart might desire!"

"May the best you dream for your future be the worst that you receive."

"May you see each other through many dark days, and make all the rest a little brighter."

Other's I won't use, but I think are funny:

"May you both live to be a hundred years / With one extra year to repent."

"May those who love you, love you / And those who don't love you, / May God turn their hearts / And if he can't turn their hearts, / May he turn their ankles / So you will know them by their limping!"

"May you live all the years of your life."

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

Hee!

Also in the "you don't want to use this one" category is:

Here's to you, here's to me Best of friends we'll always be. But if something should come between, F**k you - here's to me.

Probably not the sentiment you're going for, there.

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2001

Fred, some of your blessings remind me of the traditional Irish blessing I included in our actual wedding vows (for the JP to say):

"May God be with you and bless you,/May you see your children's children,/May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings./May you know nothing but happiness/From this day forward."

People came up and said they were particularly touched by the "children's children" thing. And the "this day forward" thing is relevant to a wedding day. I liked it and I'm part Irish, so it worked.

A friend of ours gave the "limping" blessing at our wedding but it was a bit, um, uncomfortable because one of my cousins has a birth defect and walks with a pronounced limp. If you decide to use it, you might want to be aware of that.

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2001

I have to give a speech at my brothers wedding this weekend. Its tues. night. I am hoping that the pressure will make me more creative between now and then. any help would be big time appreciated.

-- Anonymous, September 10, 2002