Out for a Walkgreenspun.com : LUSENET : One Abode : One Thread
October 22, 2001
Well, I think it's time to draw the blinds on this little room for awhile, my friend. I can only continue to talk to myself for just so long, even to someone as devilishly charming as yourself, John Perry. I might have found the juice for such an extended thing had I been 10 years younger, but times are different than they once were, and other things reach for my attention. You did say that I deserved nurturing. I whole-heartedly agree.
Since you haven't responded to my notes - even my brief ones - I can only assume that you're either dead (dear me, I hope not, though I can't imagine how I'd ever find out if you were), or severely indisposed or preoccupied, or intending to but still at a loss to find any "symmetrically eloquent (loved that from you!)" words for me.
That's a shame, because I think we could share good words together (and perhaps still may), yet I simply can't imagine you at a loss for them, so your politeness is admirable - though I could have stood a little more honesty, as my attraction to you was rather intense, and this old girl does tend to feel a bit foolish at times like these. Perhaps a little more cynicism on my part would be healthful, though not nearly as much fun, I'm afraid.
I'm certain that your intents to connect in *some* meaningful way were strong, but perhaps not so much so at present. I know that what I felt with you was extremely magnetic, uplifting and joyful. I also know that you said that we had all the time in the world, and I'm sure that you not only meant it, but that perhaps you do, indeed, *need* "all the time in the world." Or more, at any rate. You weren't very specific.
Please don't think that I feel upset, or that I'm huffing off. I actually don't, and I'm not. If you were to show up tomorrow on my doorstep I would be thrilled, and only a little miffed that I had to feel slighted so soon after I'd come close enough for you to touch. And the 'miffedness' would pass in an instant, and I'd be transported on to wherever we were destined to go.
In fact, I hesitate to send this at all, and yet I did say that I'm practicing being more full in my communicating with others - more present, more revealing - because, above all, I value an open and exploring interaction, and to do that I have to connect, and to share. I haven't always done that well.
And I certainly don't mean to imply that you've been disingenuous with me in any fashion. I feel no breech of trust on your part, and I want to make that extremely clear, because I know that you hold yourself to a high standard of impeccability in relating to others, and I want you to know that I see you in that light.
But what is happening is that I find myself actually beginning to be disappointed when you don't write, or answer. I feel this disappointment in spite of my careful suspension of expectation, and in spite of your very clear and careful "wait and sees", and so I recognize by this disappointment - that neither of us want - that I've let my projections about you get a bit out of hand. As I wrote in one of my daily tales, I knew I was running that risk with my internal "art project", but - as in all great art - it was worth it.
My sincere apologies! You'd probably suspected as much, and are keeping a practical distance. Your public nature (somewhat challenged, I must add, by a Mercury in Scorpio that plays his cards close to the chest, gambling (and losing) a bit more often than a Moon in Taurus is fully comfortable with - Taurus likes to make investments. Libra likes to make them with others. Mercury bets the kitty even when the house is winning because, well, just because...) - as I was saying - your public nature probably brings you much closer to encounters like ours than my own somewhat provincial life does.
Consequently, you're a special treat to me, whereas my sort of woman might be crossing your path constantly. I have no way of knowing, and I do struggle toward explanations that leave both of us looking and feeling good.
I did gain great joy in writing to you. I have learned some things about myself. I made some decisions that will stand me in good stead in the near future. I may sometime continue on with my "Daily Tales" thread, and change the "you" in it to a more ubiquitous one, though having you specifically in mind as I wrote was very inspiring to me, and I feel no urge to continue writing in that vein at present. That may change with time.
And, as you suggest, I won't ever forget the swift sweetness of the brief light that we shared. Thank you. I wish for you every possible happiness, because I love the heart that I see in you, and I know that you mean much to many, myself included.
I wish there could be more, and I was certainly ready to play with you, but I guess I, too, need to fall more passively into the world of "wait and see".
Blessings in all ways, and one more soft
-- Anonymous, October 22, 2001