Yokohama, June 30 2002 (Reuters)

England overcame an uncharacteristically disappointing performance from captain David Beckham to lift the World Cup here today by beating Argentina 4-1. The Manchester United midfielder could manage only a hat-trick, direct from free kicks of 25, 35 and 75 yards, and blamed tiredness after late-night sessions in his successful attempt to broker the so-called 'Becksaa Valley Peace Agreement' between Israeli premier Ariel Sharon and PLO leader Yasser Arafat.

But many pundits put the blame on England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson's controversial decision to field an experimental 3-3-1 formation which saw Beckham lining up at centre back, on the left wing and up front as well as in his normal right-sided role.

"I got the idea from watching videos of our 2-2 draw against Greece in October last year," explained the chastened Swede afterwards.

How ironic that Eriksson should have mentioned that unforgettable fixture, since it proved a turning point in his skipper's career. Just days after being hailed for his heroics at Old Trafford which saw England through to the finals in Japan and Korea, Beckham's United career appeared over when he clashed for the second time with Sir Alex Ferguson after failing to turn up for training.

However, Ferguson swiftly took the Leytonstone-born ace off the transfer list after his absence was explained by video footage of Beckham rotating the world backwards on its axis, thus turning back the hands of time and saving top US journalist Lois Lane from certain death in an earthquake.

One week later, the star was parachuted into Kabul and helped the allies' missiles to better find their targets when he lit up the night sky above the city by unknown means.

"It was as if a huge power source of solar proportions was emanating from out of his a***," said stunned White House spokesman Ari Fleischer.

The hastily-knighted footballer had a relatively quiet winter, averaging just two goals per game for United as the strain of his new role as Railtrack chief executive began to show. Yet fresh from clinical trials which proved that his faecal matter didn't stink, Beckham bounced back this spring to lead his side to an unprecedented quadruple, stopping only to rout the relatively unpopular Rudy Giuliani and become Mayor of New York.

Now, after becoming the first England captain to lift the World Cup since the late Bobby Moore, there remains only one disappointment for the shaven-haired hero of millions. Despite her husband writing all the songs and playing all the instruments, wife Victoria Beckham's new album Not Such A Talented Girl only entered the UK charts at number 84 on Sunday.

"That f*****g woman's voice could ruin anything," said a tearful music business insider last night.



-- Anonymous, October 12, 2001

Answers

Amusing Perhaps?

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2001

By the response ....... perhaps not Gav.

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2001

Only bit I don't believe is the bit about Sir Taggart not turning up for training. Makes it sound like the tail's wagging the dog.

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2001