I am not kidding when I say I have been the target of psychotic outbursts from 5 people this week and it is not even a full moon. In between that and the global stress that is affecting us all, I think we need some bad jokes. I'll start. These are from a Catholic priest who has an endless supply of bad and occassionally hilariously funny tasteless jokes. He is also a huge sports fan:

What does the snail say when he is on the back of the turtle? Weeeeeeeeeee!

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2001

Answers

A bartender and he was closing up for the night when he hears a knock at the door. He opened it and looked around, but saw no one. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a small snail.

The snail says, "Hey Barkeep!...Can you get me a drink?"

"I'm afraid I can't," the bartender said. "First of all, we're closed. And second of all, we don't serve snails here!" With that, he picks up the snail and throws it across the street.

One week later, the same bartender was closing up for the night when again there's a knock at the door. He opens the door but sees nobody. He looks down and sees the exact same snail from the week before.

Angrily, the snail looks up at him and yells... "What the heck did you do THAT for?!!!!!!"

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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

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A Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100 rubles.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 rubles?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills are worth it, it's my wife is not worth it."

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2001

Here are some more. My buddy at work emails them to me. Yuk!Yuk!

Joe W

The Bin Laden Solution

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals, or whomever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then, we return him to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

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"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2001

Forgive me if you've heard this one before.

A pirate walks into a bar with a wooden steering wheel sticking out of his fly. The bartender says, "Hey, did you know you have a wooden steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate responds, "Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts."

*groan*

-- Anonymous, October 12, 2001

Since somebody already broke the bin Laden seal....

Did you hear they captured bin Laden? Yeah, they sprayed Viagra over Afghanistan and the prick stood right up.

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2001

I hate jokes that make mention of people's nationality or accents for no reason.

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore screws everybody at a party. A bitch screws everybody at a party except you.

I like that joke because it illustrates the hypocrisy of misogyny.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2001

We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

World Trade Center: 20 Billion Dollars

Shock To World Economy: 1 Trillion Dollars

Osama Bin Laden's Head: Priceless!

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A good lawyer knows the law.

A great lawyer knows the judge!

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Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says "Here's Mr.Brown's and this one is Mr.Smith's."

"Thats good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

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An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001