I am still at home and in school, but at times its really hard to see my sisters and brothers fight, and ever worse ,sometimes i'm the cause of it. I wanted to known what ways any of you have dealt with these issues , how did you handle it? is there a right way? would you say it is normal behavior?. Last year i did some research on the internet about sibling rivalry, i personally don't think it should be called normal behaviour. But , Lord willing, i hope to have my own children some day, and would like some ideas. thankyou

-- jillian (sweetunes483@yahoo.com), October 10, 2001

Answers

I think the best way to deal with it is to inculcate in your children from the time they begin breathing, to treat each other the way they want to be treated. I have always taught my children it is simply unacceptable to treat each other badly. This is not to say that there are not problems sometimes. Mostly from the brother to the sisters! But my punishment is WORK and lots of it. Carrying firewood, scrubbing walls, cleaning barns, you name it. And it doesn't matter if you are sorry, you have to do the whole job yourself. Tired children rarely have the energy to fight!!! Makes them think twice that is for sure. Really cuts down on the troubles.

-- Melissa (cmnorris@1st.net), October 10, 2001.

I also agree that it is not acceptable for children to treat each other badly. My father grew up with an older brother who was never restrained from teasing him. They are old men, and they still are unable to be friends, though they have occassionally tried. There is too much animosity and difference between them...A friend once told me that her parents taught her and her siblings, rightly, that when you grow up, your siblings are the only people you have who shared all of your growing up years, most all of your life experiences. In them is the potential for lifelong bossom-buddy type friends. Friends you can't buy and can hardly make anywhere else. It is a terrible shame to throw that away. Nourish that friendship while you are young and you will treasure it when you are old. If bickering is unrestrained now, that, too, well could last a lifetime. Remember that friendship, like all good things, doesn't just happen, it takes effort.

-- mary (marylgarcia@aol.com), October 10, 2001.

When younger I would have actually worried more if the kids hadn't squabbled. Lots of issues going on in kids, birth order is a big one! Now that mine are 17, 19 and 23, they call each other on the phone, tell each other they love them, make a real effort to all get home on the same weekend, everything I hoped for. So it does get better! We also grounded our kids with chores. We would say "You owe me an hour" an hour of barn cleaning, fencing clearing, hay hauling, house cleaning. An hour of hard work gives them time to think, yet doesn't tie me down to having to remember who was grounded, or keeping the whole family at home because one child is grounded for the weekend from doing something. Unless sibling rivalry turns violent, I do think it is normal behavior. Goat kids fight and but each other, look at puppies and kittens, it is all about gaining your own independance and learning to solve problems. I raised my kids by one sentence my Grandmother taught me. "If your kids are supervised they can't get into trouble can they?" If you think about it I would bet most of the problems you have with your brothers and sisters, Jillian, occur when Mom and Dad aren't in the room :) Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), October 11, 2001.

thanks so much for your answers, i also agree that work tires children out. its funny though, a lot of the fights do happen in front of parents because while one kid is having a discussion with a parent, another buts in a tries to be the parent themself. something i am guilty of from time to time =) Another reason i asked, is because i have babysat ten children at a time and it has been really interesting to see the different personalities, i have not yet had to deal with any squabbles though.

-- jillian (sweetunes483@yahoo.com), October 11, 2001.

Jillian, since I managed the Nursery at church for some time, thought I'd offer this one hint for babysitting little guys: sharing is not necessarily giving up what you have. sometimes it's waiting your turn;) When a young child sees a toy being played with, it is animated and more interesting than something not being played with. Instead of telling the first child to share, I'd help the second child choose something else, and help him wait his turn for the first toy. Also, as parents, it is sometimes tempting to defer to the younger, screaming child, but by the time a child is 2, he/she needs to be learning that sometimes he is the one who has to wait. Sometimes an older child can be encouraged to include the younger in play, but shouldn't always have to give the younger everything.

-- mary (marylgarcia@aol.com), October 11, 2001.

Vicky!! You give me hope! My guys are very active and often their play unravels into a fight. I am worn out referreeing but there are high points...when they hug and kiss each other or share nicely of their own accord. I start praising them big time then! LOL

-- Alison in N.S. (aproteau@istar.ca), October 14, 2001.

im looking for my real dad his name is Todd Dyer i have not seen him i was 6 months old when he seen me lost i want tomeet him

-- Crystal Dawn Muckenfuss (LadyInRed8901@aol.com), August 16, 2002.