I came upon this today while going through old emails. Amazingly, it seems I'd never posted this to Unk's, an omission about to be rectified...

From time to time, we all have bad days. Often, we takeout our anger and frustation on people we know and/or love.

The key to successful stress management is not taking our anger and frustration out on people you KNOW.......take it out on people you DO NOT KNOW! I was sitting at my desk when I remembered I wanted to call my daughter. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?".

I politely said, "Greetings. this is Morris Edam....may I please speak with Lindy Edam?"

Suddenly. the phone was slammed down on me! I could not believe any one (outside of my former wife) could be so rude, I tracked down the correct number for Lindy and called her. I had incorrectly transposed the last two numbers. After I hung up with Lindy, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person answered the phone, I yelled, "You are a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a particularly bad day, I would dial the number marked "Jackass". When the guy would answer his phone I would yell, "You are a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the ayear the phone company introduced Caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I might have to stop calling the jackass. Then, I had an idea...I dialed his number when I heard his voice, "Hello?"...I said "Hi. This is Allen Jimison, I am with the sales office of the telephone company. I am calling to see if you are familiar with our Caller ID program?"

He said "No" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That is because you are a jackass!"

I tell you this story so you will realize if there is anything really bothering you, you can do something about is without hurting anyone you love.

This lesson is not over (pity, you say).....

A few days later, I went to the mall. I was waiting to pull into a space occupied by an sweet, but slow, elderly woman. She was really taking her time pulling out of the space. I was beginning to think she would never leave. Finally, her car began to back up slowly.

I backed up to give her plenty of room to maneuver. Great, I thought, she is finally leaving. All of a sudden...... this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and he pulls into her space! I started honking my horn and yelled, "Hey jerk, I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro and completely ignored me. He walked toward the mall as if he did not even hear me! I thought to myself."This guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world". Then, I noticed he had a For Sale sign in his car window. I wrote down the number....Then went to find another parking space.

A couple of days later, I was sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone with the first jackass (by this time, I put him on speed dial) when I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro. I was having a rotten day so I thought I better call this guy, too.

He answered the phone and said, "Hello?"
I said "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
He said, "Yes it is."
I asked him, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes", he replied, "I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It is a yellow house and the car is parked out front."
I said, "What is your name?"
He said, "My name is Bruce Harris."
I said "When is a good time to catch you, Bruce?"
"I am home in the evenings", he said.
"Listen, Bruce, can I tell you something?"
I said, "Bruce, you are a jackass!" Then, I slammed down the phone.
After I hung up I added his number to my speed dial as "Number 2 Jackass".

For a while, I was feeling pretty good. My stress level was pretty low. This appeared to be good therapy!! Now, when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. After several months of calling these two jackasses and hanging up on them, it just did not have the same impact as it did in the past. I gave the problem some serious thought (the only kind I have). I came up with a solution.

First, I speed dialed the first jackass. He answered, "Hello?"
I yelled, "You are a jackass!", However, this time, I did not hang up. He said, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah", I said.
He said, "Stop calling me!"
I said, "No!"
He said, "What is your name, Pal?"
I said, "Bruce Harris".
He said, "Where do you live?"
I said, "1802 West 34th Street. It is a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
He said, "I am coming over right now, Bruce. You better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I am really scared, jackass!"

Then I called Bruce.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever found out who you are...."
I asked, "What will you do jackass?"
He said, "I will kick your butt."
"Well here is your chance. I am coming right over, jackass!"
I hung up.

I knew it would take a few minutes for the two jackasses to connect, but not wanting to give them too much time to compare notes I then called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and said I was going to kill my boss as soon as he got home. Then I called ABC affilate about the gang war going down at 1802 West 34th Street.

Then, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

GLORIOUS!!! Absolutely GLORIOUS!

I can tell you first hand that watching two jackasses kick the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a team of reporters was, without a doubt, one of the greatest experiences of my life!

So, when you are blue and having a really bad day, do not take it out on your family and friends....call a jackass instead.

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), October 09, 2001

Answers

To "Recent Answers."

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), October 10, 2001.

lol, David!

-- helen takes notes (got@three.to.call), October 10, 2001.

Call a jackass oh yes 1-800-call dave

-- (LadyLogic@no.address), October 12, 2001.

I'm sorry, David.

Hawk has been imitating me, again!

I would never address you like that!

-- (Giuseppe @Fortunino Francesco .Verdi), October 12, 2001.

Thanks, Laura. I figured it wasn't you.

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), October 13, 2001.