Okay, that's it. I quit. There is no longer any reward in crying. Most of us have been crying since around 9 o'clock on September 11. That first cry, when we saw the plane hit the first tower, was an Omigod cry. The hand went to the mouth or chest, the eyes bulged in disbelief. Most of us sat down after the second attack and reached for the phone or ran down the office hall desperate to find someone to share what was happening. Then the for-real crying started. The crying that came at night was the most satisfying because if you were alone you could indulge yourself. If you were with someone you love you had some forgiving company.

The worst crying, the crying that leaves you with air bubbles and fluid in your inner ear that makes you half-deaf for days and plants a persistent knot in the chest, is the public crying. This is the kind you try to stop because you (a) don't want to look uncool (b) don't want to upset others or (c) you know if you give in you will be out of control. Then there is that another kind. The kind of crying that just pounces on you when they sing God Bless America or the fourth verse of the Battle Hymn of the Republic. The part about Christ being born among the lilies and transfiguring you and me. By the time you get to that line you are blubbering big time.

Most of us haven't cried this much in our lives. And, I for one, now realize that it is debilitating. It totally freezes one's focus. It immobilizes one with a sadness that sits on your chest like a sumo wrestler. It blots out all other meaningful endeavors and I am going to stop it and find something else to do.

Some people have made lists of people they have been nasty to, called them up and asked forgiveness. This is very A.A. (I don't know which step. It doesn't matter). Some people have cleaned out closets and thrown away a lot of junk they will never use in an attempt at control. A simple decision like "Do I really need to keep the orange polka dot halter with the Loehmann's tag still on it?" is empowering and gives one a small feeling of being safe. A tidy nest is really important and we start up again looking at pictures of people pulling wheeled suitcases around Battery Park. Their inaccessible nests are smashed to pieces. Any orange halter decision has been made for them. It would be covered with dust and soaked with sewage from broken pipes.

Some people have rented a bunch of movies but it's hard to concentrate. You start looking for scenes that have some relevance to our current state of affairs. I rented a completely innocuous piece of comedy fluff only to have the opening scene be a bombed building in New York with a voice over talking about terrorism. The scene meant nothing to the plot but there it was. The movie was three years old. Movies are risky. They can start you up again with the crying.

I once read about the mother of a murdered girl who couldn't stop baking even though there was no one to eat the stuff: Toll House cookies, pecan sandies, cinnamon-nut clusters, oatmeal-date squares and bread, bread, bread. She baked them, wrapped them, froze them until she had no room left in the freezer. This seemed like a crazy thing to do but she said it kept her from crying.

Mayor Giuliani says it's patriotic for us to shop. Have you tried that? Does anything in any store call out to you? Do you give a rat's patoot about a new lipstick or blusher that really won't change your life like you thought it would before?

Friends helps, family helps, talking helps. Drinking, oddly doesn't. Neither do relaxing pills. They just lead to more crying and a sick stomach. One could go to the gym but invariably you run into someone who is crying and sit with them rather than working out. New Yorkers who have never spoken to each other, even though they might live ten feet apart, now speak. They speak in elevators, in line at the bank, at the frozen food counter. The most asked question is "Did you lose anyone?" The answer is often, "Yes" and that starts the crying all over again.

The only solution is to just stop. Stop crying. Stop it now. That part is over. Suck it up and soldier on. Shoulders back, head up. Focus on tomorrow clear eyed and strong. Look for some heroes. Hang out another, bigger flag. Limit your TV to important news shows and not all day, repetitive cable. If something really big happens, you will hear about it soon enough.

In your heart you know the next phase is fury, a white hot uncontrollable fury so be patient and don't cry while you wait for it to come.

In the meantime. Would anyone like a brownie? They are fresh out of the oven. And, there are more in the freezer.

Lucianne Goldberg

-- Anonymous, September 26, 2001

Answers

"He is a man of deep feelings." Spock said. -Star Trek, The Voyage Home

-- Anonymous, September 26, 2001

I'm subject to the "tidy nest" syndrome. Just now completing a series of home repair projects, and I find that very comforting. Also when I finished vaccuuming the entire house 2 weeks ago. (Too much to hope that will last, I suppose). I probably wouldn't have had nearly the supplies by rollover if I hadn't started preparing as early as I did. Those trips to the wholesoler were SO therapeutic, that I kept going.

-- Anonymous, September 26, 2001