OSAMA: DISCIPLINED AND PUNISHED

by Jason Walker

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to the issue of what we should do with this bin-Laden guy. Almost everyone I've read has argued, quite persuasively in many cases, that we need to kill the beast by killing its head, i.e. by rescinding the Executive Order prohibiting assassinations and killing bin-Laden. Even many of the liberals bothered by that idea, and by the death penalty in general, seem perfectly content to apprehend him and have a properly constituted court sentence him to death, a la Nuremberg.

But that's never seemed quite... I don't know... appropriate to me. To begin with, it's uncreative. It's the same kind of punishment that someone living in ancient Sumeria might've suggested, and it has a number of conceptual flaws. There's always the very likely possibility that in death, bin-Laden may only become stronger by being a martyr to his sick cause. And there's the fact that for this reason, and because of his religious beliefs, he has no fear of death. (Incidentally, this is also what makes him such a disturbing adversary; even the Soviets feared death). A true punishment should be one the guilty person would have reason to fear; in this context, bin-Laden would view death, his path to heaven, as the proverbial "briar patch" punishment.

So, I'd like to offer a modest proposal of what I think the best thing to do with him would be. Admittedly, this is mildly tongue-in-cheek, in the sense that I know in real life if he were caught, the authorities would never consider this as a serious possibility, and he would, no doubt, be put to death as the bloodthirsty war criminal that he is. But I am quite sincere in that I do believe that this punishment would not only be the best form of justice imaginable, it would also be the one least likely to make bin-Laden a martyr. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Here's what I suggest. It's not, as you might expect, some form of torture that will bring about his death in a creative way. Well... actually, I suppose it is, but not in any obvious way. You see, I think bin-Laden should be locked up in a tiny room with no windows. It will have prison-style bedding, a toilet, and a sink. It will be a form of solitary confinement, with no opportunity for contact with the outside world (so he can't contact and coordinate with his terrorist buds, or write Falwellian screeds against the evil of the depraved American culture that deserves to be exterminated).

So far, quite boring as far as punishments go. But this is precisely where it gets interesting. Bin-Laden will, in a manner of speaking, receive contact from the outside world. Have you read _1984_? I'm sure everyone on this list-serv has. Remember the huge TV's that everyone had to have in their homes, TV's which could never be turned off, merely turned down slightly in volume during sleep? One of these TV's will be in bin-Laden's room, one big enough to take up an entire wall.

Now, it is tempting to think that maybe what's needed is MST3K type punishment, whereby bin-Laden is subjected to the worst movies ever made. But that hardly worked for Mike and Joel when they were on the Satellite of Love; they only had something they could mock from afar. Bin-Laden might well be able to handle something like that. No, I suggest something far, far more insidious.

What's the one thing bin-Laden hates more than anything else in the world? America. Not just America as such, but American culture, with its emphasis, in his mind, on frivolity, sexual promiscuity, this-worldly happiness, worship of youth, irreligiousness and impiety. Sure, by his psychopathic standards, I guess we're guilty. He believes "corrupt" American cultural values, along with US military intervention in the Middle East, have prevented the region from enjoying the benefits of the vibrant and inventive culture offered by freedom-loving groups like the Taliban. There is one place in American culture where those vices he abhors are most amplified, where they are so saturated that that even many Americans, including myself, can't handle it. I'm speaking, of course, of MTV.

Not MTV2, which I'm told every now and then actually still shows music videos, some of them supposedly good, and certainly not old-school MTV of the 80's, which did the same thing, just with bigger hair. I'm talking MTV circa 2001, with such fine programming as the Real World, Road Rules, Jackass, the Tom Green Show, and all sorts of programming involving Carson Daly talking about and with 'NSYNC and Britney about the most banal of topics. And don't get me started on the quantity and quality of commercials on MTV. Yes, Osama bin-Laden, the would-be leader of the Muslim world and would-be instigator of the mother of all jihads, will be subjected to a 24-hour stream of mindless garbage from MTV, the same feed that anyone else with cable would receive. (It is, of course, tempting to say we should just find one or two hours of it, and have it loop endlessly. While this would be interesting, it faces the problem of Osama eventually getting used to it, and over time, learning to tune it out of his head. If the actual programming is kept as dynamic as the network, he won't have that ability. As much.)

There is also the matter of food. Again, the obvious choice is also the most boring. Bread and water? Please. We can do better than that. And giving him nothing but pork to eat might tempt him to try a hunger strike that would lead to his eventual starvation, not to mention have the possible side effect of galvanizing radical Muslim groups who would see Osama as a victim. No, I have something better in mind.

Remember, his hatred is American culture, right? So... every single one of his meals must come from McDonald's. No other place. I'll even give him a menu, and he can choose something different for every meal. But all three meals a day must come from McDonald's, and be something on the menu. And just as the real McDonald's hates when you try to order something different from how it's spelled out on the menu, bin-Laden's choices must be something actually on the menu, served the same way it would be in the restaurant.

I also wouldn't give him anything to read other than women's fashion and general interest magazines like Redbook, Cosmo, Rosie or Oprah Magazine. No Koran. Unless, perhaps, there exists a "Complete Idiot's Guide to the Koran" or perhaps "Cliff's Notes on the Koran." That would be cool.

We might also reward him for good behavior. If he keeps his cell clean, and is friendly with the guards who deliver his McDonald's meals to him, we might even allow him to upgrade his prison furniture: to stuff from Ikea. Granted, Ikea's really a Swedish company, but America's a cosmopolitan nation of immigrants, as evidenced by our embrace of foreign things like Ikea furniture. Can't really say that about Afghanistan or Yemen.

So, this is my punishment. Not much of a capacity for martyrdom here, just a slow, painful torture that will eventually destroy what's left of his sociopathic mind. Best of all, we might be able to allow the media to conduct an interview with him a year or two into his punishment. By that point, he would've gained 350lbs from his McDonalds food, and be thoroughly brainwashed with MTV culture. We'll dress him up in clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch, cut his beard and hair into an American style, and allow the interview to go to all major world media outlets. That image of bin-Laden as the quintessential American couch-potato should be sufficient to frighten anyone out of the terrorism business, particularly those motivated by anti-American sentiment.

Kurt Loder: "So if you could get out of prison and meet anyone, who would you want to meet? Who inspires you?"

450lb. Osama: "I'd want to meet 'NSYNC, Kurt. Their music is so hip, you know? And they have dance moves and a sense of fashion that I would die for. Especially Justin Timberlake. Oh! And oh my gawd, that Britney; what I wouldn't give to go out shopping for clothes with her. She's so sexy, and so smart."

Kurt Loder: "And this, was MTV News."

This image, flickering on televisions worldwide, will, I guarantee, deter future terrorism and deflate any heroic notions radical Islamic groups may hold of Osama. I think the true horror of this punishment would be that not only would this turn Osama into what he hates most, it would turn him into a graphic exaggeration of what he hates most.

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), September 23, 2001

Answers

I am ROFLMAO now Eve! Now THIS is punishment I could go along with! Thanks, I really needed this one today. Of course, now I going to have this picture of him in head all day, at 450#, Big Mac in hand, bopping to the beat of MTV! Thanks Eve! TOOO funny!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), September 23, 2001.

Nonono. This would work, it certainly has on me, but it simply doesn't satiate the sadistic hungers in us all. This would only serve to smooth both his body and the surface of his brain, leaving us only a corpulent Muslim flavored Rudolf Hess sans the grief, guilt and neurosis. I don't wanna see him reduced to pickin' his own bellybutton lint for excitment, and forgetting he ever even had toes; I wanna see some genuine suffering, here.

I'm sure we've all pondered this at great length, and already rejected both the merely obvious, and even the purely fun solutions, like some deeeeep cleansing battery acid colonics, and nicking his entire body with a razor blade, smearing him with bacon grease and making him swim the coast of Florida until there's nothing left of him, doctoring him up in between swims, of course, until that final bon voyage. Nah, everybody's thought of that, already. We need to bring some professional uber-sadist help in on this one, I believe; somebody that can think "outside-the-box" so to speak. Maybe another terrorist, even...yeah, yeah...that's it. Somebody that knows how to get into his head in such a way as to ensure that he'll never, ever get them out again. And on weekends we can all tune in to MTV and see how he's doing...

-- Zzzzz (asleep@the.wheel), September 23, 2001.

Zzzz, you have to remember this guy borders on the S&M side and would probably think any physical punishment/death would only be a first- class ticket to heaven.

On the other hand, this MTV solution would probably be his worst nightmare come true....

They might also want to consider giving him IKEA furniture instead of that prison issue stuff as well. ;-)

-- The Toner (the.toner@home.com), September 23, 2001.

Carpet bomb Afghanistan with pornography.

-- (Roland@hatemail.com), September 23, 2001.

Sounds like a good punishment, but he has to order the McRib at least once a week, and can only have that rough toilet paper, and then he can only have four sheets a day. Oh, and his shakes would be enriched with a half cup of Metamucil, just to help keep him regular.

-- Garryowen (anon@spamproblems.gag), September 23, 2001.

Great article Eve. It reminded me of "Clockwork Orange"

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), September 24, 2001.

Well, just in from Reuters, here's what actually happened to the suicide bombers. You'll find this is SOME consolation, anyway...

The Fate of the Suicide Bombers

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), September 27, 2001.