i really empathize with your note and sadness. i'm having a hard time reconciling the sunny days since Tue AM, the quiet in the W Village ,with the bitter smoke in the air, the knowledge of all the suffering and sadness downtown and around the country and the world.

am also having a bit of survivor guilt, not a fullblown case, perhaps, but enough to unglue me from time to time, and cause some sleeplessness these nights. i feel very lucky, and very grateful having had a close call on church street, on the way to work tue.

i (use to) work in the Woolworth building, only 3 blocks from the Trade Towers. as i pedaled to work down Varick St on Tue, the first plane flew overhead - way too loud, way too low, with the fearful sound of decelerating engines. looking up at the large undercarriage, startled, i was immediately filled with dread. it must be that the pilot was in trouble, trying to make Newark, and it didn't look good. would he ditch in the harbor? i lost site of the plane behind some buildings, and 5 seconds later came the awful bang. 4 blocks later, at Canal street and Varick, the hideous slanted hole came into view, spanning many floors near the top, with fire pouring out. it was like some awful movie screen in the sky, only it was huge and surreal and sick.

i thought, what a horrible accident - guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. never occured to me that it was not an accident. somehow i assumed the fire would be put out and loss of life contained. slowly pedaled south to work, pausing now and then to gape. got to church and murray. one block from the woolworth building, 3 blocks from the trade towers. by now the street was closed to traffic, and peds were casually walking north, away from the fire aloft. suddenly, i heard another huge bang, and looked up to see the second large fireball, this time very much overhead, not off in the distance, and all sorts of debris coming down, in particular an engine careening right down on us in the intersection, trailing flames and smoke. people started screaming and running in every direction. i literally dove off the bike, dumping bike, backpack, coffee. while lunging, i looked up again and saw the engine slam into the building wall 5 floors above on church street. from the sidewalk under the scaffolding, 2 seconds later, i saw the engine finally come down on the very pavement at church and murray where i had just been on the bike. it bounced twice then skidded onto the sidewalk across the street, smoking.

bricks and metal came raining down as people screamed and ran. i thought 'be ready to give first aid' but somehow noone (that i could see anyway) was struck. people stared at the engine in horror, like it was a hostile alien spacecraft. metal signs all around were twisted and disfigured. it happened so fast ,and still i didn't figure terrorism (didn't even realize it was a second plane... thought it was some kind of freak follow-on explosion from the first plane.) but was immediately overcome with a desire to get out and find my wife and baby. but was frozen with fear and unable to leave from under the scaffolding for a few mins.

one block later, ran into a few coworkers in the street, fleeing the woolworth building. they told me it was a second plane, and the enormity of the treachery began to sink in. still couldn't believe it. i made it home, watched the towers collapse from my roof, learned of the pentagon crash and began a 24 hour effort online to track down the whereabouts of all colleagues. happily all are ok, although some of them had near misses also. i spoke to many, and learned that while i was having that adventure down below, they were at the windows of the 19th Fl of the woolworth building, watching the fire in the first tower, and witnessing hideous sites of people falling. and then witnessing the second plane striking, right out our windows. many of them are very traumatized, and may not come back. and then the losses started to come in... our HR director, his dad was the deputy fire marshall the Guiliani eulogized (Bill Feehan). one of my programmers girlfriend's relative, etc.

it is very hard to reconcile one's former life, former job, former city, former country. nothing is the same. my company is now homeless, i rally them daily in Yahoo IM chat rooms and in Net Meetings. i think iVillage is donating office space for us for few weeks. (windows on the lower floors of the woolworth building were blown out, and all the buildings within a few blocks are suspect for structural damage.) may be weeks before we get back in, but hopefully we will eventually. our investors say they will still back us, so i'm hopeful.

all told, i got off easy, compared to what i am seeing on TV and imagining below the rubble. i keep replaying the explosion overhead and the engine coming at me, and feeling terrible empathy for the kids who lost parents, and feeling rage at the terrorists, wishing them painful deaths, and yet at the same time realizing that this is how the Hate starts, and how it lives and grows and goes on an on. because now we will no doubt wage war, and that will beget more attacks here, and so it will go. it seems we have no choice, yet it is sad.

i'm sorry about your friends, jerome, i'm sorry for all the tortured passengers and flight crews, and all the bereft families and all the suffering. i pray no ones of us was hurt and look forward to seeing you all safe.

--monty

-- FutureShock (gray@matter.think), September 19, 2001

Answers

The line that struck me the most was this:

"and feeling rage at the terrorists, wishing them painful deaths, and yet at the same time realizing that this is how the Hate starts, and how it lives and grows and goes on an on. because now we will no doubt wage war, and that will beget more attacks here, and so it will go. it seems we have no choice, yet it is sad."

This really encapsulates my feelings the best. I have been numb, unable to process or feel what is going on around me. Times of great stress almost force people to seek the refuge of some more comfortable place inside themself. For me that is shutting down emotionally, something I learned to do very well in an emotionally abusive household growing up.

I am going down to Union Square at lunch time today where a huge memorial has been erected. Maybe that will help me get in touch.

-- FutureShock (gray@matter.think), September 19, 2001.

Thanks FS

-- Lars (lars@indy.net), September 19, 2001.

I enjoyed the read, as well, FS. I think it was on Tuesday that I read a story from a woman who was approaching the WTC to pick up an item she'd previously ordered from one of the retail stores within. Her six-year-old daughter was with her and the child started whining that she wanted a sandwich before continuing the walk. The woman bought her child a sandwich and waited while she ate it. Before the child finished eating, the WTC was GONE.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), September 19, 2001.

I'm glad you posted Monty's incredible account, my friend. I've read it countless times over the past several days, printed it off and had friends read it. Like I need to jam this tragedy even deeper into my psyche by immersing myself in Monty's, and others, personal experiences? Somehow the atrocity must morph completely from surreal to real. Somehow I have to incorporate the devastation into a new vision of the world around me. It's a process. An agonizing, terrifying, sobering process.

I Bid You Peace Within,

-- Rich (living_in_interesting_times@hotmail.com), September 19, 2001.

Anger? I will show you anger... Those mother fuckers took my dad away.

I hope they blow up a fucking county i dont care which one. Let those fucker terrorists sit back and say "Fuck.. American is fucking nuts let not screw with them" I say Nuke the fuck out of thess fucking rag heads and lets end this bullshit. THat goes for the asshole palestine fuckwads too.

Lets let a 100 megaton bomb end this radical bullshit. no more pansy shit.

-- screw (screw@it.com), September 21, 2001.