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Wednesday, September 19, 2001

Kind Gesture of the Week Award

Even the Mafia is pitching in to help the city. Carmine Agnello, jailed John Gotti son-in-law and convicted racketeer, offered Mayor Giuliani the use of a $6 million shredding machine yesterday to chew up the steel beams mixed in the rubble of the World Trade Center.

— New York Daily News

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Quote of the Day

"On the left, hatred of America is so ingrained that with thousands of Americans buried beneath tons of rubble, liberals' gut reaction is to censure our society for the alleged sins of multinationals and not having a foreign policy shaped by Ralph Nader. "

— Don Feder, The Boston Herald

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Cry Me A River (Not)

I'm sorry, but I want Dan Rather to retire and I want him to take Peter Jennings with him. I'd like to see the two of them in plaid polyester jackets and salmon pants posing together for tourists snaps at the dog track. I want their long careers to be over, finished, forked like done potatoes.

Before they leave I would like both of them to answer this: Were you a journalist or a performer? If they were a journalist why did they constantly offer opinions on the nightly news? If they were performers why did they claim all the perks and privileges of being journalists?

Jennings' overall bizarre behavior during this disaster qualifies him for instant retirement if not long term therapy. If he can't handle the pressure and demands of being on air for 16 hours straight then why does he have the job and why did we have to watch him cracking up, losing it and jabbering like a rhesus monkey who dropped his orange slice. I'm told by production moles inside ABC that he is famous for going slightly mental when he's tired. Well, join the club and get off the air. We are a world in crisis and they give us crazy Uncle Ned off his meds. Get someone younger, fresher, stronger with an ego smaller than Cleveland to tell us the news.

Jennings' sneering presentation when he thought Attorney General John Ashcroft was holding a second press conference only to learn that Ashcroft was an invited guest for a one on one interview was just one manifestation of the strange and embarrassing behavior Jennings' subjected us to.

These men, these network anchors are as much national leaders as anyone in Washington. We look to them through out tear torn eyes for guidance, for reassurance and for manly behavior. Yes, I have used the dreaded M word to bring up my larger point concerning Dan, The Newsman, Rather. No one in public life has blurred the distinction between performer and journalist more than this strange and loopy person. He even refers to himself as a "tough, hard-charging telejournalist."

Monday night Dan appeared on Letterman and blubbered. I'm not talking about "welling up," or "shedding a quiet tear," like everyone else. I'm talking about gut wrenching, gagging, choking, can't go on, blubbering.

This man, who fancies himself some kind of Cowboy Everyman hasn't been near a horse since a Hansom cab splashed his chinos outside the Plaza Hotel. He uses phrases like "secure as a double-knot tied in wet rawhide," "hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach,"and "I've feel like I've been rode hard and put to bed wet." It's all colorful, not original enough, and I'd say makes him a performer several ticks below the Jerry Lewis league. If he's the journalistic icon he insists he is, he has no right to subject a weeping nation to his personal pain (or political opinion, for that matter) on national TV. It's just not....brace yourself....manly.

Seeing someone who is supposed to be a leader in the national media blubbering on a comedy show is not my idea of leadership. It's not my idea of setting an example for a grieving nation. It's not my idea of being a man. Not for me the collective "awwwwww" that must have risen from viewers in this nation who have been totally wussed out with 8 years or more of Kumbiyah Hug Me I'm Hurting moisturizing of the national fiber. Wet fiber rots and that's what people like Dan Rather does by losing it in front of the kids (us). He rots us from within.

If you hold yourself up as our interpreter of the world in turmoil and are so emotionally distraught you can't control yourself (and a lot of us are) stay home, damn it, until you can set an example for those who really have something to cry about like a dead husband, or wife or son or daughter. I'll make the exception for Howard Lutnick, the CEO of Cantor Fitzgerald who lost it during his interview with Connie Chung. He didn't die because he was late to work from taking his kid to school. 700 of his employees did including his own brother. He's earned the right to break down. Dan Rather hasn't. A slow waiter at '21' isn't a gross insult to the system. Having your car, your valet or your lunch date arrive late doesn't constitute pain and suffering. A dip in the rating doesn't qualify him for one whit of sympathy. But, the wussed out among us will say, he was so upset about it all.

Look. We are all broken hearted. People are crying on the street, in restaurants and over the phone to the dentist's office here but that's okay. Rudy Giuliani's face was tortured in pain at a Firefighter's funeral but he turned away from the camera. Men do cry. But real men, the kind of men we need as national symbols have the grace to take it outside or inside or down the hall. They wouldn't totally lose it on TV unless, and this is the big unless - they are performers.

We conducted an unprofessional survey of men and women regarding Rather's performance. To a man, the sentiment was,"Aw, gee, cut him some slack." The women, however, thought he was a wimp and should get a grip. That should tell you guys something profound. The next time you wonder whether to hold a chair, a coat or an open door - do it. Women want men who do manly things, particularly those who would lead us. We want manly men, we want heroes. The national is so hungry for this disappearing breed.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2001

Answers

jabbering like a rhesus monkey who dropped his orange slice.

ROTFLMAO

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2001


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